J.D.: I hate missing practice.
Turk: Me too.
Both: Mighty Kites!

Doug: Stringent what?
J.D.: "Stringent updoc". [to Turk] It's happening.
Dr. Cox: Yes, Nervous Guy?
Doug: What's "updoc"?
[J.D. and Turk laugh]

Dr. Cox: And I didn't do anything. No yelling, no breaking stuff, nothing. And right then I figured out what's different. I figured out what that feeling was that I was having in the park the other day with my family. I'm... happy. Now does that not just make you sick? Ugh.

Turk: Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single, chasing tail. Hell, I miss it every day.
Carla: Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?
Turk: Baby, listen, I'm just trying to keep my man psyched, 'cause since I've known J.D., he's never broken up with anyone.
J.D.: He's right. I don't like hurting people. But with Danni, I'm gonna do the honorable thing I'm gonna have someone in a fireman's outfit tell her I burned to death.

Carla: Bambi, you owe her closure. Hell, you owe it to every woman you've ever dated.
[fantasy: J.D. addresses the women he's dated:]
J.D.: Listen, Danni. Lisa. Drunk girl who was friends with the girl I really wanted to hook up with. It's not all of you. It's me. Scott Gerber?!
Scott Gerber: At soccer camp, I told you I wanted to be more than friends.
J.D.: I thought you meant teammates.
Scott Gerber: Well, I didn't.
[reality:]
J.D.: He used to borrow my jersey and wear it as jammies.

Carla: How's he doing?
Nurse Roberts: The boy's got no biscuits.
J.D.: I am trying to break someone's heart here, okay!?

Carla: Have the other doctors been making fun of the way I look?
J.D.: What? I've never heard anything like that! Why would you say that? Why?
Carla: No! No way! Huh?
Nurse Roberts: Hell, yeah.
Carla: Only the girl ones, and you know, they're all "Meow!"
Todd: Cat fight?
Carla: Sorry, Todd.
Todd: Let's try and be a little more careful when we use that noise, okay? God!

Dr. Cox: What the hell, there, Pee-Pants? Are you the only one here?
Doug: I drew the short straw, so I have to press record on all the tape players when you start the lecture.
Dr. Cox: Of course you do, but you don't actually expect me-
[Doug runs around pressing record on all the tape recorders]
Dr. Cox: Where is everybody?
Doug: They all had really important things to do?

J.D.: Which one of these is Chet's? We gotta put this coat back.
Turk: Oh, I think it's this one. Dude, look at the size of this Odor-Eater! We could surf on it!
J.D.: I still don't understand why Danni's breaking up with me, man. I gotta go talk to her.
[Turk slaps J.D. with Chet's giant Odor-Eater]
J.D.: Okay, first of all, words cannot describe the smell that is currently on my cheek.

Dr. Cox: Not one resident showed up. Not one. And would you like to know why? Because they're not scared of me anymore. And I blame you. Yes. You have turned me into this soft, emotionally open, pathetic freak at home, and now it's starting to bleed over into work.
[cut to people at work singing Happy Birthday to Nurse Roberts:]
All: [singing] "Happy birthday to you!"
Dr. Cox: "And many more!" Oh, my... Oh, my God!