J.D.: Dr. Kelso. I was the one who nicked the artery on Mr. Singer.
Dr. Townshend: Oh, cheese on rye, son, I just said it was me.
Dr. Kelso: You need to shape up, son. Lord knows you're never gonna get by on your looks.
J.D.: Right, first of all, at the very least, I'm interesting-looking, all right? And secondly, I feel I made that mistake because Dr. Townshend forced me to perform a procedure that is unsafe and outdated.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sorry, Townsie.
Dr. Kelso: Now, let me get this straight. You screwed up doing something you should be able to handle and now you're in here to tattle on the guy who's taking the bullet for you? Is that right?
[fantasy: Dr. Townshend has a knife in his back]
Dr. Townshend: Do me a favor, will you, son? Grab that for me. Thanks. [collapses]
[reality:]
J.D.: I'm sorry, sir.

Dr. Cox: What's the deal, there, Gandhi? Are you gonna be a bride? Oh, come on, this is one of those very small windows when I'm borderline interested in your life. What's the deal? She give you an answer?
Todd: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
Turk: Not yet.
[later:]
J.D.: Thanks, Todd. Here's the 50 bucks I promised you.
Todd: Keep it, man. That was for me.
J.D.: Todd, get dressed.
Todd: I'm going back out there.

Kevin: Hey, hey, so, how's this baby, is it all right?
Turk: This here is fit for a king.
Kevin: Well, that's good. Makes me feel better about sleeping in your room while you're out here.
Turk: No, Kevin, that's not gonna work.
Kevin: Well, I'm a businessman, I'm sure we can work it out. Let's see, I sent you to college and med school, and you have done nothing for me. So I'll tell you what, I'll sleep on the couch and you cut me a check for 80 grand.
Turk: I'll go get my pillow.

Jordan: Tell you what, we'll compromise. I'll decide this, and you get to decide... Sorry, I've got nothing.
Dr. Gerson: Look, it's common for each parent to feel differently.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I'm not the father, he's a bellboy in Greece.
Jordan: We think.
Dr. Gerson: Neat.
Jordan: It's kicking me.
Dr. Cox: Who can blame the poor thing?

Janitor: [screams] What the hell just happened?
J.D.: I moved your ladder.
Janitor: I don't know why you keep doing these things to me.
J.D.: I don't know either.

Dr. Townshend: Come on. How many more times are you going to make me apologize for introducing you to your wife?
Dr. Kelso: Once a month until she's dead.
J.D.: Excuse me, sir, do you have a second?
Dr. Kelso: Sport, what did I tell you about my open-door policy? I don't have one.

J.D.: My car. You think it's my fault he got fired, don't you?
Janitor: Why would you say that?
J.D.: No reason.
Troy: Let's see you drive home now, Mr. Doctor Man.
Janitor: Troy! I said just stand there, didn't I?
Troy: Yeah. I may have to get rid of the guy.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's not every day your best bud asks his girlfriend to marry him.
J.D.: Hey, Chocolate Bear, did you ask her?
Turk: She said she needed to think about it, then she hopped on a plane and went to Chicago for five days.
J.D.: [v.o.] He needs you. Stay positive.
J.D.: Woo-hoo! She's thinking, she's thinking, and we should go out drinking... Wanna get a beer?

J.D.: [v.o.] Doctor Townshend is like the anti-Kelso. The nurses love him.
Dr. Townshend: Patty, that color is great on you.
J.D.: [v.o.] The attendings love him.
Dr. Townshend: Hey, how's the best doctor here?
Dr. Cox: You tell me, hotshot.
J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone loves him.
[Dr. Townshend joins Ted and his band singing]
J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone.
Janitor: Thank you for being you.
J.D.: [v.o.] And the weirdest thing of all is he and Kelso are best friends.

Dr. Kelso: There he is!
Dr. Townshend: Missed you on our morning jog, buddy. What is that now, about 200 days in a row?
Dr. Kelso: You're a pistol!
J.D.: The only place this guy's running to is to a bakery. Who's got me up high?
Dr. Townshend: Ah, the mistake you made there, J.D., you didn't pat his belly. It soothes him.
J.D.: Dammit.