Turk: Where the hell is J.D.?
Carla: He's off until six.
Turk: You know, any second now, he's gonna walk through that door, lost in his thoughts.
Janitor: [v.o.] With Dorian taken care of, I'm not sure how I should spend my day. I suppose I could clean. [laughs] God help me, that one still makes me laugh. Oh, no, it's black Kojak and Scary Nurse-Wife. I'll get rid of them with an innocuous compliment.
Janitor: You are glowing.
Janitor: [v.o.] Free and clear.

Turk: Have you seen J.D.?
[meanwhile: J.D. is trapped in a water tower:]
J.D.: Where am I? Hello? Anyone?
[back:]
Janitor: No, I don't know where he is.
Janitor: [v.o.] Man, I love that adrenaline rush you get from lying to someone's face. Do it again.
Janitor: Dr. Kelso, I must say that your nose hair is not the least bit long and creepy like most old guys.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, Perry, great shirt! I wish I'd thought of athletic apparel when I was going through my midlife crisis. It'd have been a hell of a lot cheaper than a cigarette boat named Dr. Feelgood.

Janitor: But that's just one. I got a million ideas.
[fantasy: the Janitor floats up to the window of patient's room on a vacuum cleaner:]
Elliot: I don't care if he is on the first floor, I need this cleaned up now!
Janitor: I'm here. Open up the window.
Elliot: That was quick.
[reality:]
Janitor: I call it the Hover Hoover. Where suction meets the sky.

Elliot: That's a good question. Only problem is I've answered it five times.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, would you mind explaining to me why you called the chief of surgery to consult on a cellulitis patient yesterday?
Elliot: I wasn't even here yesterday.
Dr. Kelso: But your interns were and their mistakes are your mistakes. Whether it's an unnecessary consult, or that young man's ridiculous haircut.
Intern: This cost $60.
Dr. Kelso: Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab.

Elliot: Darn it. I'm sick and tired of your careless mistakes. Lisa, why isn't this G.I. bleeder on telemetry? And Keith, I know you had a 12-hour shift yesterday, but that is no excuse for not turning in your histories.
Keith: Elliot, you dragged me to dinner and made me play Scrabble all night.
Elliot: How you spend your private life isn't my responsibility, Keith, OK?
Keith: Fine. I'll do them tonight.
Elliot: Oh, you can't do that. You're taking me to the movies. Get on the ball, Keith. All of you, go work.

Carla: Wow. Aren't you the big badass attending?
Elliot: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?
Carla: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?
Elliot: Dr. Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the number of times he made me cry.
Dr. Cox: Twenty-seven, counting this morning.
Elliot: Yeah, I'm PMS'ing and he made fun of my shoes.

Turk: Hey, Dr. Cox, if I wasn't a black man, could I do this? That's game, all right! That's game! You got next?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I got next.
Turk: I should warn you, they call me the Candyman 'cause my moves are so sweet.
Todd: They call me The Pig, because I say sexist and derogatory things to women.

Carla: Lisa, why did you order a hundred units of insulin for Mrs. Best?
Lisa: No, that's only 10 units. I just put a smiley face after the zero.
Carla: Look, Lisa, you have to be crystal clear with your medication orders. [beeping] OK, it's causing a bit of a seizure. Hey, Janitor! Come here! Could you hold her legs down, please!
Janitor: [v.o.] This is it! I'm in the show! Dr. Jan Itor.
Carla: We'll give her an amp of B50.
Janitor: This is easy. Just like drowning someone.
Carla: [beeping stops] OK. You can let her legs go now. I think we're good.
Janitor: I didn't see the demon leave the body.
Carla: I'm sure it did. Hey, Janitor, good job.
Janitor: Good job.

Janitor: I guess I didn't realize how much I picked up from working here, you know. I heard her yell, "Hold this woman's legs down," and instinctively I just knew what to do.
Nurse Roberts: Good for you. Now I've got to go meet my husband at the bus station and pretend to be a street walker.
Janitor: Enjoy your date night.
Janitor: [v.o.] OK, Mr. Cool Guy, you had your moment of glory. No need to make a big deal out of it.
Janitor: Hey! Slow down, buddy. What's the hurry? Come here! I want to tell you a little story about a hero.
Janitor: [v.o.] Know what? The hell with it. It feels good to get a little attention.