Nurse Roberts: Lonnie, play with Dr. Cox. Let's go!
Turk: [laughs] Ooh! Ooh! [laughs] Look at the glasses! Look at the mouthpiece!
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me?
Nurse Roberts: Jesus?
Dr. Cox: That's him.

Carla: Elliot?
Elliot: You're wasting your time. You know how interns stick together. They're never going to rat each other out.
Elliot: What you're forgetting, Carla, is that I am sleeping with one of those interns. Now, seeing as I've already gotten Keith to pee sitting down so there's absolutely no chance of seat splatter, I'm betting that I'll probably be able to get him to talk. Keith! Meet me in the caf in half an hour.

Carla: Oh, I love it! And you know, they say it's the safest thing we can do for our baby. Can we get it?
Turk: No, no, no. Let's take it back before somebody sees me. As a matter of fact, get down! Get down.
Carla: Hey! [laughs]
Dr. Cox: Hello, that's a nice ride, huh, Dexter? [honks] Hate to bother you, but could you explain to me one more time, what's it like to be a young, hip black guy?
Turk: You see, Dr. Cox, what I'm gonna do is we're gonna pimp this out. We're gonna throw some 22s on it, put some spinners on the 22s.
Carla: Ooh! And a DVD player so the kids can watch Elmo.
Turk: You're killing me, woman.

Keith: Elliot, I am not gonna tell you who messed up with Mrs. Best.
Elliot: Oh, no problem. I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee. Oh, and introduce you to my mom.
Lily Reid: Mom. That makes me sound so old. I had C-sections with all my kids, so everything is as it was down there.
Keith: Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Reid.
Lily Reid: You and Elliot would have such cute babies. I keep telling her, she's only got about five more years to pop one out. Have you ever seen chubby Elliot?
Keith: Uh, no.
Lily Reid: Well, if you want to see it, just break up with her and wait a couple of weeks. When she's depressed, she hits a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds at the bottom.
Elliot: Love you too, Mom.
Lily Reid: [phone rings] Ah! That's your dad. [answers phone] How did you get this number?
Elliot: You like her? Because if you don't tell me which intern messed up, I'm going to beg her to move here.
Keith: She's just a little weird, Elliot. I can handle weird.
Lily Reid: [leans in and licks Keith's neck] I'm sorry. The light just hit you so perfectly, I had to have a taste.

Carla: Baby, you're not really bothered by what Dr. Cox said, are you? You know you're my black prince.
Turk: Baby, that's not it. I know I'm black. I'm reminded all the time. Patient doesn't want a black doctor, people think I know the score to every NBA game, and I told you what happened last week when the new board member met the surgical staff.
[flashback: an old, white man is going down the line introducing himself:]
Board Member: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hey, what's up, dawg? Nice to meet you.
[present:]
Turk: It's not even about that. It's about the nursery. It's about that stupid minivan. I don't know if you know this, but overnight I went from Chris Turk, Stud, to Grandpa Turk, the guy who wears overalls and does embarrassing dances at cookouts.
Carla: You do that now.
Turk: But in a cool way.

Janitor: Well, Mr. McNair, I hope you don't mind me hanging out all day talking to you. I don't think you do mind. I got a seventh sense about that sort of thing. My sixth sense is I can tell when squirrels are afraid. Anyway, I know you lost your computer and I thought maybe you were a little bit Ionely. I've been Ionely around here a couple times. I don't know. I just hope I helped.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and Carla were converting my old bedroom into a nursery, so I helped paint a mural for the new baby.
Both: Done.
Carla: Oh, hell no! Is that big, ugly one shooting laser beams into the crib?
Turk: That's Optimus Prime and I don't think he'd appreciate you calling him the big, ugly one.
J.D.: No, he wouldn't.
Turk: No.
J.D.: Not Optimus.

Turk: But, baby, it's too soon to be putting a nursery together, test driving minivans, or buying baby monitors.
J.D.: [over monitor] I can't get this crib together. And can somebody please bring me a glass of water?
Carla: You go this time.
J.D.: Thank you.

J.D.: [v.o.] Thinking about Turk and Carla becoming parents made me think of my mom and how much she probably misses me. I bet she wishes she could see what life is like around here through my eyes. And that's why I strapped my video camera to my head.
Lonnie: Morning, weirdo.
J.D.: Lonnie.
J.D.: [v.o.] It was the perfect idea. She got to meet my superiors.
Dr. Kelso: That's right, the old man stole some ice cream.

J.D.: [v.o.] I even got some great footage of Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Where the hell have you been?
J.D.: I'm making a video postcard. Do you have a message for my mom?
Dr. Cox: No. But since she brought you into the world, I do have a message for her uterus. Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore.
J.D.: She had a hysterectomy last month, but I'm sure I can just edit over that part.