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‘Smoke Signals’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Schitt's Creek: Smoke Signals

601. Smoke Signals

Aired January 7, 2020

After a near death experience, Moira considers giving up on her acting career. Meanwhile, Alexis is ready to leave for the Galapagos, while Patrick and David visit a potential wedding venue.

Quote from Moira

Moira: How mercurial is life? We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the Goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum and Bailey. [small laugh]
Roland: Okay. I, I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

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Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, you're here now, Moira, and so am I. And, with your career behind you, we'll be able to... take advantage of more days like this. Does this not remind you of that wellness retreat we went to in Evian, right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?
Moira: Yes. You and I wandered down to the lake, ne'ery a person to be found. Bid adieu to our clothing and let the cool sting of the mineral water remind us that we were, in fact, alive and well.
Johnny: I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Quote from Moira

Moira: We seem to have found ourselves alone again, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Moira, that was 15 years ago!
Moira: Mm-hm?
Johnny: What if someone sees us?
Moira: Who knows what will befall us tomorrow, John? You could be hit by a Mack truck, or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: [grunts] Ugh!
Patrick: Are you sure you don't want any help with that?
Alexis: I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Let me just attend to one thing first.
Johnny: Moira, whatever it is can wait.
Moira: No, no. Before we re-baptize ourselves I'm going to call my agent and make it official! Moira Rose is tech un-avail, she has a life to live.
Johnny: I'm proud of you, Sweetheart.
Moira: You just remove those vestments, Mr. Rose, I'll be back in the shake of a lamb's rump. As soon as I find a signal.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh wait, wait, wait, wait. My bébés!
Roland: No, your kids aren't here.
Moira: My girls.
Roland: What girls?
Moira: My girls. Lorna, second from the left.
Roland: Okay.
Moira: If she takes on smoke, she'll never recover.
Roland: Okay, this? This one?
Moira: And Cindy! Cindy, below her. Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.

Quote from Moira

[fire alarm beeping]
Moira: [o.s.] John! Can you turn off your alarm? David! I've asked you not to over indulge in that smoky cologne, it's enough to give someone a seizure! [coughing] Is someone vaping? [doors rattle] Oh no, not now! Help! Alexis! No, this is not, this is not how I go!
Roland: Moira!
Moira: Oh, Stevie, thank God. I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, no, don't call a cab! Ugh. My flight got delayed.
David: Delayed by a month?
Stevie: This is like watching a car crash.
Alexis: Ugh.
David: You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn't you?
Alexis: No! I... no.
David: Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late.
Alexis: The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Honestly, David, if this is the kind of bride you're going to be, I'm glad that I'm leaving.
David: Wha-?
Alexis: And I would never wear a tankini!

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, remind me to reprimand that latch, it's been awfully moody today.
Johnny: Well, good-good morning, Sweetheart. Look who's come to see you.
Moira: Finally. I'll have the continental breakfast with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. [John chuckles] Orange Pekoe tea.
Johnny: No, Moira, Moira, it's - it's David and Patrick. Don't we have something we want to say?
Moira: Yes, thank you, John. Sadly, I won't be able to squire you for today's wedding venue peregrination.
Alexis: You invited Mom? She's literally been asleep in a closet for a week.
Moira: Just know that missing this will be the heavy-hearted part of my day.

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