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‘Smoke Signals’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: Smoke Signals

601. Smoke Signals

Aired January 7, 2020

After a near death experience, Moira considers giving up on her acting career. Meanwhile, Alexis is ready to leave for the Galapagos, while Patrick and David visit a potential wedding venue.

Quote from Moira

Moira: How mercurial is life? We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the Goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum and Bailey. [small laugh]
Roland: Okay. I, I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

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Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, you're here now, Moira, and so am I. And, with your career behind you, we'll be able to... take advantage of more days like this. Does this not remind you of that wellness retreat we went to in Evian, right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?
Moira: Yes. You and I wandered down to the lake, ne'ery a person to be found. Bid adieu to our clothing and let the cool sting of the mineral water remind us that we were, in fact, alive and well.
Johnny: I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Quote from Moira

Moira: We seem to have found ourselves alone again, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Moira, that was 15 years ago!
Moira: Mm-hm?
Johnny: What if someone sees us?
Moira: Who knows what will befall us tomorrow, John? You could be hit by a Mack truck, or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: [grunts] Ugh!
Patrick: Are you sure you don't want any help with that?
Alexis: I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Let me just attend to one thing first.
Johnny: Moira, whatever it is can wait.
Moira: No, no. Before we re-baptize ourselves I'm going to call my agent and make it official! Moira Rose is tech un-avail, she has a life to live.
Johnny: I'm proud of you, Sweetheart.
Moira: You just remove those vetements, Mr. Rose, I'll be back in the shake of a lamb's rump. As soon as I find a signal.

Quote from Moira

[fire alarm beeping]
Moira: [o.s.] John! Can you turn off your alarm? David! I've asked you not to over indulge in that smoky cologne, it's enough to give someone a seizure! [coughing] Is someone vaping? [doors rattle] Oh no, not now! Help! Alexis! No, this is not, this is not how I go!
Roland: Moira!
Moira: Oh, Stevie, thank God. I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh wait, wait, wait, wait. My bébés!
Roland: No, your kids aren't here.
Moira: My girls.
Roland: What girls?
Moira: My girls. Lorna, second from the left.
Roland: Okay.
Moira: If she takes on smoke, she'll never recover.
Roland: Okay, this? This one?
Moira: And Cindy! Cindy, below her. Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, no, don't call a cab! Ugh. My flight got delayed.
David: Delayed by a month?
Stevie: This is like watching a car crash.
Alexis: Ugh.
David: You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn't you?
Alexis: No! I... no.
David: Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late.
Alexis: The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, remind me to reprimand that latch, it's been awfully moody today.
Johnny: Well, good-good morning, Sweetheart. Look who's come to see you.
Moira: Finally. I'll have the continental breakfast with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. [John chuckles] Orange Pekoe tea.
Johnny: No, Moira, Moira, it's - it's David and Patrick. Don't we have something we want to say?
Moira: Yes, thank you, John. Sadly, I won't be able to squire you for today's wedding venue peregrination.
Alexis: You invited Mom? She's literally been asleep in a closet for a week.
Moira: Just know that missing this will be the heavy-hearted part of my day.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Okay, all right, all right, okay. Up, up. There we go. Jeez, Moira, I wait 'til at least 10:30 before I have my first beer.
Moira: Oh, my legs are in slumber. Carry me.
Roland: Oh I can't... Oh jeez, okay. Hang on. You know, Moira, if Johnny locked you in that closet, we're going to have to call the police.

Quote from Roland

Roland: It's a hell of a story, Johnny. So I'm next door, I'm cleaning the bathroom and I want a snack. So I grab some of those jail time toaster pops and I put them in the toaster, and suddenly there's a fire.
Johnny: Oh, Roland.
Roland: Why do they call them toaster pops if it says on the box, "Do not toast"?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira. I'm just glad you're okay. And first thing in the morning, I'm going in and I'm fixing these latches.
Moira: No need, John. I have been gifted a smoke signal and you will never again find me back in the closet.
Johnny: Well, why don't we take this one step at a time?
Moira: This may come as a shock to you, dear, but... I don't believe my career has been that kind to me.
Johnny: What?
Moira: I all but perished in the name of an unrequited love for an industry that has burned me over and over again.
Johnny: It's been difficult watching you go through this, Moira.
Moira: I know you'll want to fight me tooth and nail, John. It's time my career took its final bow.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Now, if, if... if that's... what you want, Moira, just know that I'm here if you need me for anything.
Moira: Oh, I have never needed less. Shall we take lunch outside today?
Johnny: What a great idea.
Moira: Lay a blanket somewhere!
Johnny: If you're feeling up for it, I mean I, I, I know you're still a bit shaken.
Moira: That's just it, John, I have never felt more lucid.
Johnny: I'll fix a basket.
Moira: And I am including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.
Johnny: Okay.

Quote from David

Clive: Yes, but the only problem is: it's a month from today.
David: This is basically free!
Patrick: David, that's not enough time. We need to give people notice.
David: Uh, I planned my ex girlfriend's intervention in less than an hour. Plus, it'll weed out all the dead weight.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Honestly, David, if this is the kind of bride you're going to be, I'm glad that I'm leaving.
David: Wha-?
Alexis: And I would never wear a tankini!

Quote from Alexis

Stevie: Um, this might be a stupid question, but... why are you wearing high heels on an airplane?
Alexis: Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane, they hand out slippers with the mimosas.
Stevie: When was the last time you flew economy?
Alexis: Hmm?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Hard to believe this is our first trip down to the creek. You know, Moira, after the week we've had, this is the perfect way to end it.
Moira: To think I nearly made you a widower. Oh, John, I can just see you aimlessly wandering through life. Stoic but stymied, not a friend in the world and so very lost.

Quote from Alexis

Stevie: What's going on over there?
Alexis: I'm trying to check in! If we're going to be late, I'm going to at least do everything I can to not miss my flight, because I have never needed a vacation more.
Stevie: Yeah, this? I think this is what might be bothering your brother.
Alexis: Okay, I get it, my life is an inconvenience.
Stevie: That. Um, or the fact that you've been talking nonstop about how desperate you are to get out of here? I think it might be hurting his feelings.
Alexis: Okay. I'm moving to a place that doesn't have a Sephora for literally 2700 miles, so I'm sorry if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing.

Quote from Alexis

Stevie: Can I see your phone? Okay. Um, think I've found the problem... your flight's not leaving for another month.
Alexis: What?! Give me that! No, it says right here, 0-7-0-8.
Stevie: Yeah, but it's day before month, so you're not leaving on July 8th, you're leaving on August 7th.
Alexis: What? Ugh, and my stupid ticket doesn't allow for any changes. Ugh! What am I supposed to do?
Stevie: Well, maybe you could start by telling David that you messed up and he can book the venue after all!
Alexis: Okay, I would literally rather sleep at the airport for a month.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [on the phone] Can you hear me now? No, I'm not blocking the microphone with my finger anymore! Okay, no I was. Now... yes? Oh, well, what would the back end look like on a deal like that? Oh, I see, what an emphatically kismetic turn of events. Oh, John's here now. Okay, talk soon. Kisses!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Johnathan, have we found ourselves a new friend?
Johnny: Hmm.
Officer Cornwall: Hello ma'am, I'm Officer Cornwall. I was off duty when I came across this man in a state of undress, down by the creek. He claims to be your husband?
Moira: Last I checked, a decades-long successful marriage is not a criminal offense.
Officer Cornwall: No, no it is not. However, indecent exposure certainly is. I found your husband sunning himself in the creek, like he was in some Grecian bath.
Johnny: No, I don't think we need to editorialize.
Moira: John, I'm so sorry, I was engrossed in a very stirring phone call. Officer, perhaps we could arrange a plea bargain?
Officer Cornwall: Well, since I wasn't supposed to be fly fishing at this end of the creek, uh... I think we can leave it at a warning.
Moira: Oh, thank you, Officer, for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community. I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So, I just talked to Ted. He's devastated, obviously, but he did say that it's probably for the best because he still hasn't lizard-proofed his place and I have absolutely no desire to be there until that happens.


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