Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I don't know if the online thing is for me. I prefer to meet people in person. It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal. Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like but isn't perfect, or do you give it up for what's behind door number two? I think I like what I have. I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom. I'm kidding.

Leslie Knope: Okay, be honest, Tom. How did you and I get matched up?
Tom: I made 26 profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl. Tom A. Haverford, sporty and sexy. Tom B. Haverford, smooth and soulful. Which letter did you get?
Leslie Knope: "N." Tom N. Haverford.
Tom: [laughs] The "N" stands for "Nerd." I never even check that one, 'cause no one ever responds to it.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, whatever.
Tom: Tom N. Haverford collects globes.
Leslie Knope: Great. That's enough.
Tom: His favorite movie is books.
Leslie Knope: Donna. [Donna kisses Tom] Every time I want you to shut up from now on.

Tom: Don't freak out, but Joe from sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
Leslie Knope: What? Oh, boy. Hi, Joe.
Joe: What's up, Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? Van's out back. Let's roll.
Leslie Knope: Where's this coming from?
Joe: I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's just driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the sewage department.
Leslie Knope: Great. Okay. [walks away]
Joe: Liking the view. Still got it, Joe.
Leslie Knope: No, you don't.

Leslie Knope: So I have some ideas for the health initiative.
Ben: Okay. How about I swing by later, and we'll just, you know, maybe go over everything?
Leslie Knope: Or we could go out after work. You know, go to JJ's or something, grab a bite.
Ben: Um, I-I don't think I can. But why don't we just talk about it later in this building? Okay? All right. But, uh, you're great, and you have great ideas, and... Um... Uh, bye.

Ann: Hey, I brought this cholesterol-testing kit for the health thing. Okay, let's do it.
Leslie Knope: So I asked Ben out to dinner, and he said no.
Ann: What? He seemed really into you. What did he say exactly?
Leslie Knope: He was like, "huh? What? Huh? Oh. Bye." And then he walked into an office that wasn't his.

Chris: Ron Swanson. April Ludgate. Hey, I'm just gonna pop over to Grain 'n Simple to get the very best ingredients for my burger. Do you want to come?
Ron Swanson: What is Grain 'n Simple?
Chris: It's a health-food store.
April: Pawnee doesn't have a health-food store.
Chris: No, but Snerling does, and it's only a 40-minute drive.

Ann: Oh, my God. A 98% match. That's a soul-mate-level match. I've never seen anything this high before.
Leslie Knope: Awesome.
Ann: Okay. I know what you're thinking. And you know what? You have to forget about Ben. He had his chance, and he blew it. This computer could have found the future Mr. Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Okay... Entire universe of guys I might date, let's see what you got. [a profile of Tom N. Haverford is revealed] Ah!

Man: [on the phone] This is Craig at hoosiermate.com. How can I help you?
Leslie Knope: Craig, your service is crap.
Man: Can you be more specific?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Your soul-mate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.
Man: We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.
Leslie Knope: Really? Well, that's not gonna last.
Man: Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: You heard me. Your marriage is a sham. Good-bye, Craig.

Leslie Knope: What's wrong with me? Why do good guys hate me and gross guys love me? Diagnose me. You're a nurse.
Ann: There's nothing wrong with you. You are an intelligent, classy, attractive woman. But for whatever reason, right now only douche-y guys are buying what you're selling.
Leslie Knope: So I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling. A douche-vestigation.

Leslie Knope: Hi, Joe. I know you're gonna take this the wrong way, but can I talk to you for a second?
Joe: You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
Leslie Knope: Hmm.
Joe: Would you like to talk outside in my van?
Leslie Knope: No. Here's fine. I was flattered by what you said earlier. And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
Joe: She can't be in a wheelchair, no canes, no gray hair.
Leslie Knope: So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an elderly person.
Joe: Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.