Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger?
Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. Delicious.
Chris: A turkey burger. You take lean ground turkey meat, and you make that into a burger, instead of red meat.
Ron Swanson: Why would anyone do that to themselves?
Chris: What if I told you that I could make a turkey burger that tastes better than any other burger you've ever had?
Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. Cook-off later today in the courtyard. If I win, hamburgers remain in the commissary.
Chris: What do I get if I win?
Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson: Here's mine. It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.
Chris: Ron, I'm so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
Tom: Never mind. This is better.
Donna: Way better.
Jerry: Mmm. Yep.
Andy: Kyle?
Kyle: Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.
Andy: Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God, it's so much better, it's crazy.
Ron Swanson: Turkey can never beat cow, Chris. Sorry.

Chris: Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America.
Tom: Soon to be number three. We're coming for you, San Antonio.
Chris: No, we are not. We are slimming down... Starting right here at City Hall. I am implementing a government-wide health initiative.
Leslie Knope: We could have a City Hall dodgeball league. I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.
Chris: Great idea. Keep 'em coming. Now, if anybody would like to join me, I will be running backwards up the big hill behind the Wal-Mart.

Ben: You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually checked out that, uh, that snow globe museum that you recommended, and it was pretty awesome, I have to say. I mean, I did get in trouble for shaking one.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

Ann: Oh. You know what? If he doesn't want to go out with you, he's nuts. You're awesome, and there's a million other guys out there. I have been having so much fun just dating a bunch of people.
Leslie Knope: I know. Who was that guy you were talking to out there and then also kissing? I was... [yelps] Crap on a crayfish. That really stings.
Ann: I haven't pricked you yet.
Leslie Knope: Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.
Ann: You know what? Maybe you need to cast a wider net. Have you thought about Internet dating?
Leslie Knope: Really? I don't think that's for me. Aah! You're a monster.
Ann: Still haven't done it yet. I'll help you set up a profile. It'll be fun.
Leslie Knope: All right, yeah, let's do it. Okay, good. I'm glad that's over.
Ann: Oh, it's not.
Leslie Knope: [gasps] [bleep] you, Ann!

Tom: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint about the seaweed and almond under-eye cream I purchased from you guys. Oh, my problem is it smells terrible. Yeah, I even mixed it with another under-eye cream, and it still smelled, so I ruined two eye creams. Yes, I will hold. [sings] Forever young I want to be Forever young Do you really want to live Forever?

Chris: Wow. Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
Andy: Oh, I take skittles, and I put it between two starbursts. You know what I call it?
Chris: Skittle sandwich.
Andy: That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

Leslie Knope: Let's play a different game. I'm gonna say stuff about me, and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready? Okay. I love sunshine and fresh air and early-morning walks.
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: I have read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: I work at the Parks and Recreation...
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: That's what you do.
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: I once kissed a girl in college...
Tom: Eight.
Leslie Knope: Where I graduated Summa Cum Laude in history.
Tom: One, zero, negative a billion. Don't talk about it anymore, please.

Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aioli, and micro-greens on a gluten-free brioche bun. Enjoy.
Kyle: Mmm.
Tom: This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells... I'm guessing.
Donna: What is this in here, saffron?
Chris: Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.
Kyle: I love the umami flavor.
Jerry: Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
Kyle: Sorry.

Chris: I don't understand. I-I-I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted, it's been a long time since I've had hamburger. [Ron offers his burger, Chris takes a bite] This is better. The commissary will continue to serve horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers. [cheers and applause]