Sales Associate: Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.
Ron Swanson: Yes, please. [throws it in the trash] Another, please.
Sales Associate: S-sir, is there a problem?
Ron Swanson: I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this.
Sales Associate: I-I don't think I can give you anymore.
April: I want one. [throws it in the trash]

Andy: What's this?
Chris: Dragon fruit.
Andy: What's this?
Chris: A kiwano or horned melon.
Andy: What's this?
Chris: A peach.
Andy: I knew that.

Chris: I think if you continue cross-training the way you have, you're gonna-- I don't see any ingredients. Have you bought ingredients?
Ron Swanson: Nope.
Chris: Do you need help shopping?
Ron Swanson: No.
Chris: Are you hurt? Can you move?
Ron Swanson: Never felt better.

Andy: Chris! Can I get these?
Chris: I said one thing.
Andy: Eh. Honey?
April: Pinwheel.

April: Hey, can I get these?
Ron Swanson: How much are they?
April: Two bucks apiece.
Ron Swanson: Good deal.
Sales Associate: Anything else?
Ron Swanson: Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

Leslie Knope: So the only thing that's important to you is hotness? Wendy, Lucy. All you cared about was the shape of their boobs?
Tom: No. I really liked them, and they happened to have nice breasts. You're acting really weird. W- What'd you even buy me lunch for? Just so you could yell at me for what I like about women?
Leslie Knope: Okay. Promise not to tell anyone?
Tom: Sure.
Leslie Knope: This is insane. But you and I got matched up on hoosiermate.com. 98% match. Soul-mate-level match.
Tom: [smiles to camera] You want to date me. This is a date.
Leslie Knope: This is not a date, okay?
Tom: Uh, you took me to a fancy restaurant. You paid for my meal. And you're trying to get to know me better.
Leslie Knope: I was just trying to figure out why only sleazy guys are into me right now.
Tom: Nice try. You love me. [sings] Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford Dating in the day, dating in the night Dating all day 'cause he's keeping it tight
Leslie Knope: All right, Tom, enough.
Tom: Dating in the car, dating on the floor Dating everywhere, 'cause she wants some more [scatting]

Leslie Knope: Hey, Tom, I'm just printing out these health tips. Can you grab them for me?
Tom: One second. I'm just looking at some real-estate listings. Oh, this is perfect for us. Three bedroom, and, oh, God, Les, it has that dream closet you've always wanted. A walk-in closet.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God.
Tom: Hey, hey, Boo. What's wrong? Where'd you go? Come back to me.
Leslie Knope: Stop it.
Tom: Don't disappear on me. I need you, Boo.

Ben: All right. Uh, let's get into it. What do you guys have for health tips?
Leslie Knope: Ben, if it's okay with you, Leslie and I are gonna lead the meeting today because of our deep spiritual connection.
Ben: Oka-- All right. Is everything okay?
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah.
Ben: Okay.
Tom: Everything is great, Ben. Les and I just had something magical happen today at lunch.
Donna: There is some weird juju in this room right now.

Leslie Knope: Office yoga. We do stretches at our desk or next to our desk or in a chair. Always good for you. Um... We give everyone pedometers, and we have a contest. Whoever takes the most steps wins a prize. You know, anything to get their heart rate up.
Tom: You know what else gets people's heart rate up? Doing it. Talking about sex with my boss.
Leslie Knope: Can you excuse us for a second?
Ben: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Hey, can I talk to you for a second? [grabs Tom]
Tom: Ow! Let me get out of the chair!

Leslie Knope: What is wrong with you?
Tom: Leslie, it's the workplace. You're being a little bit too feisty right now.
Leslie Knope: You are being a little bit too much of an ass right now. Okay? Knock it off.
Tom: I can't fight this feeling anymore. You and I. We're dating. [Leslie kisses Tom]
Leslie Knope: You should be so lucky.
Chris: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Huh?
Chris: Tom.
Leslie Knope: [pulls fire alarm, nothing happens] They should fix that.