Leslie Knope: Andy?
Andy: I don't know, Leslie. It seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong. I haven't pooped in three days.

Tom: April created a new position for herself, and I wanna do the same. The town could use more private-sector money after the merger. So as business liaison, I would find companies looking to move or expand, and convince them to do it in Pawnee.
Ron Swanson: Now this is a good idea. You've come a long way, son. And while I got you here... talking tissue. Go for it.
Tom's voice: Yo, dog! Life is what you make of it.
Tom: [off Ron's stare] Leave while I'm ahead? You got it. [exits]
Tom's voice: Clear them sinuses, playboy! Someone's got the sniffies. Tell your mama you love 'er. Step up your vitamin "C" game, bro!

Perd Hapley: There you have it. A shockingly unshocking press conference in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance. I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized I'm not holding my microphone.

Dr. Saperstein: What could you possibly need at 6:00 in the morning?
Ann: We couldn't read your writing, and we need to know the sex of our baby.
Dr. Saperstein: I'm watching cartoons with my son.
Jean-Ralphio: Daddy! An Elmer Fudd one is on! Stop it. Hey, what's up, beautiful? Jean-Ralphio. I live in the guesthouse. What do you say you and I get together in a special way?
Ann: I-I'm pregnant.
Jean-Ralphio: The more the merrier.
Chris: With my baby.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, you can come too, beautiful. Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men "beautiful" too. I guess I'm [singing] open-minded as hell. And I think you're pretty good-looking.
Chris: Thank you.

Ann: Can you just read that and tell us what the sex is, please?
Dr. Saperstein: Wow. It looks like the chicken that wrote this had a stroke on the paper. [laughter] Listen, I-I kind of remember. But I don't want to say anything that's wrong. Give me 15 minutes. I will get dressed. We'll go down to my office. Okay.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, have a good day at work today, daddy. Also, if you don't know already, there's a malfunction with the TV, where it keeps ordering porno, like, a ton of porno. Like, how can someone watch that much porno in one sitting? Only when you're out of the house. So if you see it on the bill, that's why. Okay?

Jennifer Barkley: [ringtone plays] Uh-oh. Oh, time's up. Okay, if you want to keep talking, you're gonna have to pay me 1,200 more dollars.
Leslie Knope: I just need--
Jennifer Barkley: No, I swear to God, if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1,200, and I will sue you. Let's not end it like that. Okay, great to see you, Leslie. Those five words are on me. Should I move this back? Don't answer it!
Ben: [to Leslie] I don't know what you're thinking, but you have a press conference in ten minutes.

Leslie Knope: Jen Barkley telling me I had a future was the best present I could have got. Thank you.
Ben: You're welcome. But, I did get you one other present to take your mind off all this.
Leslie Knope: Aww, you are the sweetest man in the world. Where is it?
Ben: Well, it's not here. We have to go get it.
[cut to Leslie and Ben in Paris; aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: In times of stress or in moments of transition, sometimes it can feel like the whole world is closing in on you. When that happens, you should close your eyes, take a deep breath, listen to the people that love you when they're giving advice, and remember what really matters. And, if you have the ability to go to Paris, by all means, go to Paris!

Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Leslie, I don't know if there's a story in these emails. They're iffy, but Dexhart has been elected eight times. I don't think the voters care. His poll numbers are actually up since the scandal broke.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's just because people found out he was Miley Cyrus' cousin.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: He is?
Councilman Dexhart: Good morning, Leslie. "Sweet jugs."
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: What? He's kinda cute.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God, Shauna, no.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I-I just feel like I could fix him, you know?
Leslie Knope: [puffs]

Ben: Also I want to get her a present to cheer her up on her last day. Any ideas?
Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? Mm, that's a tough one. Stay away from wine. Wine is crying juice.
Jerry: Well, I mean, you know her better than anybody. What does she really want? More than anything in the world?
Ben: A nice candle. I'm screwed.

Trevor Nelsson: And finally, here is a check for the entirety of the purchase of Rent-A-Swag. And here is a personal note from my client Dr. Saperstein.
Tom: "Dear Tom, I win. You suck. Turn note over. You still suck. Turn note over." Okay, Saperstein couldn't even face me himself? He had to send in his lackey?
Trevor Nelsson: My client isn't at this meeting because he doesn't have to be. Successful people, Mr. Haverford, use their money to use others to work for them.
Tom: Hmm, it's an interesting idea, lawyer-dude. What if I gave you 5 bucks to put a bag of poop in Saperstein's car?
Trevor Nelsson: No.
Tom: Ballpark me. How much would it cost?
Trevor Nelsson: $10,000.
Tom: Counter-offer: Why don't you just do it for the story?
Trevor Nelsson: Goodbye, Mr. Haverford.