Leslie Knope: So they recall me after all I've done for them.
Jennifer Barkley: Ridiculous.
Leslie Knope: But Dexhart now has another sex scandal.
Jennifer Barkley: Of course he does.
Leslie Knope: And the plan is I'm gonna run for his seat. Because how do I lose to a guy like that? That's a great idea, right?
Jennifer Barkley: It's a terrible idea.
Leslie Knope: I knew it. Wait. What?
Jennifer Barkley: First of all, you could lose to a guy like that. Terrible people defeat great people all of the time. I should know. Those terrible people have paid me so much money, I have a condo in every Virgin Island. Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. But why would you want to?
Leslie Knope: Because it's my dream job.
Jennifer Barkley: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It's being run by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads. Affect change at a higher level. Don't be the kid that graduates high school, hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and then confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.
Leslie Knope: Is that what you did?
Jennifer Barkley: Yeah. Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee has done you a favor. You've outgrown them. You've got talent, and you've got name recognition. Which means that you have a bright, wide-open future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even congress. All of these are doable for you. And you can trust me... because I don't care enough about you to lie.

April: [aside to camera] Andy got back from London two days ago and he still has jet lag. It's really annoying. We're on totally different schedules. Last night he mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning.
[flashback:]
April: Andy! Andy!
Andy: Get me a beer?
April: All right.
[back:]
April: As soon as I wake up, he goes down. Hard. This has to stop! Babe, wake up. That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca. Babe! Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
Andy: Hey. Oh, man, I fell asleep again.
April: Andy, you have got to stay up and get on a regular schedule.
Andy: Were you about to spray me with the hose inside the house?
April: Yeah.
Andy: I kinda want you to do it now.

Ben: Okay, just a reminder, guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city councilor, so everyone be extra supportive.
Ron Swanson: Already done. When she walked past me this morning, I gave her a kind nod.
Ben: Heartwarming.

Ingrid de Forest: This must be hard for you. It's like what sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld: "Parting is such sweet sorrow."
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. What is your life?
Ingrid de Forest: If it makes any difference, your work here was a real inspiration to me, and I am going to do my best to continue your legacy.
Leslie Knope: Well, I appreciate the sentiment. [exhales]
Ingrid de Forest: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: [gasps] I'm sorry. Was I singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road out loud?
Ingrid de Forest: No. But would you like to? I studied opera at the Sorbonne. I'd be happy to harmonize.

Tom: Come hear the ideas with me, Ron. I could use your wise, grandfatherly advice.
Donna: Do you think everyone here is a grandfather?
Tom: Basically, if you're older than me, you're a grandpa. And if you are a grandpa, you're dead.
April: That sounds right.

Perd Hapley: This is Perd Hapley talking to you now about what's going on today. We're live at City Hall where City Councilman Dexhart is addressing his latest sex scandal.

Jerry: As you may know, I do like to tinker with things in my garage.
Ron Swanson: I'm gonna hit the can while he's up.
Jerry: So I think I have discovered a way to generate clean, renewable energy. I think it's gonna ch-- [sneezes]
Tom: Oh! Gross!
April: God, Larry. You sneezed all over us!
Tom: I'm not gonna buy that thing. It's covered in a gallon of your boogers.
Jerry: I totally understand. [sneezes; drops project] Uh, jeez.

Chris: I will be thrilled if we have a girl.
Ann: Oh, tiny dresses? Braids? Glitter on everything? Forget it.
Chris: And also, girls' names are so cute. Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly.
Ann: Olive, rosemary, chicken. Fifty burritos. Oh, my God, I'm starving. Miss, hi! I'm pregnant, and I'm a little bit crazy. So if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds, I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!
Chris: And also two waters, please. But no hurry.
Ann: Thank you.

Tom: Ron?
Ron Swanson: Every socket set I've ever bought only goes up to 1/2 inch. I'd love a couple larger sizes. Take it all the way up to 5/8.

Chris: Well, Ann Perkins, are you ready to find out the sex of our baby?
Ann: I'm ready.
Chris: We are having a... "distributions." That's what it looks like: Distributions.
Ann: Let me see that. It says "congratulations," I think. Then it says, "I...leg smurf." Are we having a smurf?
Chris: We are having a... "11-jewel toilet."
Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation! The suspense is killing me!
Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.
Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Do you think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I hope so.