Woman: Three words: Automated word counter.
Tom: Get out.
Robotic Voice: Two. Words.
Tom: No.
Robotic Voice: One. Word.

Tom: This sucks! We heard a hundred pitches, and they're all terrible. Change of plans. You guys are my idea factory. April, go.
April: Okay, got one. Macaroni and poison. It's like mac and cheese, but with a special ingredient.

Tom: Andy?
Andy: Bears bouncing on trampoline roads. There's a chance that I might have dreamed that.

Ben: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: Well, they couldn't make a banner in time for my press conference, so I am cobbling together a banner from all the other discarded banners.
Ben: "Second chunce four Lesle! Perv Dexxxhrt equals... birthday mouse"?
Leslie Knope: Rat! Well, that's the closest thing I could get to a rat.

Chris: Oh, no. He's out for the rest of the day! I have literally never been more stressed out.

Leslie Knope: Oh, good! You guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around. I have a big announcement. I am officially seeking reelection to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat. And the campaign starts now. [silence] Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening, right?
Tom: Leslie, no offense. I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.
Leslie Knope: April?
April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the joker. But that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ron, you have always given me sage counsel. And your words carry great influence so... what do you think I should do?
Ron Swanson: I do not think you should run again.
Leslie Knope: What the hell do you know, Dum-Dum? All of you! Look, this is my only option. I am running again with or without you.
Jerry: Leslie, you're running for office again? What a great idea! How can I help?
Leslie Knope: Ugh...

April: Yeah, I get why you're bummed out. I mean, look at me. I'm younger than you, and I already have my own department. Plus I'm married, and I make more money than you.
Tom: Whatever. You just merged your department with parks then made up your own title.
April: [snickering] Yeah. It's awesome.
[Andy wakes up and grabs a tissue]
Tom's voice: I'm empty, yo. Fill me up.
Andy: Do that again.

Leslie Knope: "And therefore, with your help, we can make our future bright. I believe I still have a lot to offer this city."
Ben: I'd swap those two lines. Always helps to end on the call to action. I'm sorry if it felt like everyone piled on. We were just being honest. But if you really want to do this, of course we'll support you.
Leslie Knope: Thank you. I'm sorry I stormed out.
Ben: You know, I've been thinking for weeks of what to get you as a "last day in City Council" present. And I finally figured it out. You remember Jen Barkley, political consultant and power broker?
Leslie Knope: Hey! Jen! What brings you back to Pawnee?
Jennifer Barkley: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting?
Leslie Knope: Well, uh, I guess. I mean, how are you? How's your family?
Jennifer Barkley: Okay, I get paid $1,200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?
Leslie Knope: Well, that does sound fascinating. But you're right, let's talk.

Chris: Well, this is it... The final moment.. What are you hoping for?
Ann: I will honestly be happy either way.
Chris: Me too. Boy or girl, it doesn't matter. Because it will literally be the greatest child who's ever lived.
Ann: You swear you have no preference?
Chris: You?
Ann: Not at all.
Dr. Saperstein: Who's ready? Raise your hand. It's a boy!
Both: Yes!
Chris: I thought you didn't have a preference.
Ann: I didn't. I just really wanted it to be a boy.
Chris: Me too. I don't know why.
Dr. Saperstein: You guys are just so neat. Would you be interested in adopting my children? They're in their late 20s, they're terrible. No? No go? [chuckles] I ask all my patients.