Ron Swanson: Leslie. Why don't you take the rest of the day off? I mean, you spend so much time worrying about this park, but really, who cares?
Leslie Knope: I care. I care a lot. It's kind of my thing, remember?
Ron Swanson: But at the end of the day, what does it matter if the lot becomes a park, or a museum, or a megachurch?
Leslie Knope: Or a library.
Ron Swanson: Nobody said "library."
Leslie Knope: Ron, have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?
Ron Swanson: No. I swear on a grave.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Ron, tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?
Ron Swanson: Not giving. We have discussed a trade.
Leslie Knope: For what?
Ron Swanson: More... [mumbles]
Leslie Knope: Excuse me?
Ron Swanson: More sex.

Tammy Two: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.
Leslie Knope: I would never work at the Library Department. I'm gonna tell Ron what you just said, and this little game that you're playing is gonna be over.
Tammy Two: Okeydoke. [elevator doors close]
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you better run. We're no longer government gals.

Leslie Knope: Look, we need to talk. Ron, no. The Planning Department Re-prioritization Document?
Ron Swanson: Calm down, I haven't signed it yet.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, well, you're going to. Because Tammy wants you to, and you do everything that she wants.
Ron Swanson: She made some really good points about libraries.
Leslie Knope: Are you even listening to yourself? You're defending the library now? Ron, the library? Of all the horrifying, miserable things in the world?
Ron Swanson: Some people like libraries.
Leslie Knope: I can't even believe what I'm hearing. "Some people like libraries." Ron, she's in your head. You said that she was a manipulative monster, and you were right.
Ron Swanson: No. No. Tammy's changed.
Leslie Knope: Look me in the eye and tell me that she's changed. Look me in the eye.
Ron Swanson: I'm so screwed, Knope. Her hooks are in my brain.
Leslie Knope: Yep.
Ron Swanson: She has all the power and I have nothing. I'm so little. [sobs]
[Donna places a Post-it note reading "I told ya so" against the glass for Leslie to read]

Leslie Knope: Why don't you just break up with her?
Ron Swanson: I don't think I can. We would just end up naked, and I'd give her your lot, and my house, and God knows what else. I have no control over my actions. It's like she's crawled up inside of me.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God, Ron, I don't wanna hear about your disgusting sex anymore. Okay? Now sack up. You are Ron freakin' Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Not around her, I'm not. It took years of intense, focused hatred to get over her, and now I've undone all that great work. You've got to help me break up with her.
Leslie Knope: I don't think I should get involved in this.
Ron Swanson: Oh, now you don't wanna get involved? "It's just coffee, Ron." "She's changed, Ron." "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends."
Leslie Knope: Okay. I would never use those words. I never said... Point taken. Let's go dump your ex.
Ron Swanson: Thank you.

Mark: So, how's the shoeshine game?
Andy: I'm on a break, one of the many advantages of owning your own business.
Mark: You know that's not your situation, right?
Andy: Yeah.

Andy: Listen, Donna.
Donna: Yes.
Andy: Quick question. Ann is trying to decide between Mark and myself.
Mark: No, she's not, actually.
Andy: If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot.
Donna: I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me?
Mark: You know what? Can we talk privately?
Andy: Sure.
Mark: Just out here. [both walk away]
Donna: Mmm. Andy.

Leslie Knope: So, Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.
Tammy Two: [laughs] Wait a minute. Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?
Ron Swanson: She volunteered.
Tammy Two: Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.
Leslie Knope: No, he doesn't.
Tammy Two: I'm pretty sure he does.
Ron Swanson: [whimpers]
Leslie Knope: See? He's completely over you.

Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, Leslie. She wins. I can't resist her.
Leslie Knope: God, Ron, you have to.
Tammy Two: Stay out of this. This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh. You want Ron. That's what this is all about.
Leslie Knope: No. That's insane. Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.
Tammy Two: Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.
Leslie Knope: I'm here because Ron is my friend, and I don't like seeing my friends miserable. And you, Tammy, you make him miserable. So, Ron, you can give her the lot, or don't, whatever. Just, please, find a way to be happy.

Ron Swanson: Knope. Wait.
Leslie Knope: Ron, it's okay. Just sign the thing.
Ron Swanson: No, Leslie, it's not okay. You just put my needs in front of your own. No woman has ever done that for me before.
Leslie Knope: I'm sure that's not true.
Ron Swanson: You see the kind of women that I choose, right? Look, just wait for me downstairs. If I'm not down in five minutes, it's only because I'm receiving a pleasure so intense...
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Ann: [aside to camera] I don't know. At least he finally has a real job. When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or No Deal.
[video, a shirtless Andy is in his backyard:]
Andy: Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for Deal or No Deal. [guts a fish]