Ron Swanson: Mary, mother of God. [giggles] That's Christian Becksvoort! He's the modern master of the Shaker style. I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh. [laughs]
Diane Lewis: Go over and say hello.
Ron Swanson: No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time. Ooh, if you ladies will excuse me, there is a jack plane that needs my attention.
Diane Lewis: Go on then.

Andy: Hey, if we're going that way, can we stop at our place real quick? 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant. And a jacket and one of my socks. Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that.

Leslie Knope: Ron, guess why my thumbs are up.
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is perfect for you. She gets you. She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat for you. I mean, she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys. Let's take it down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval.
Ron Swanson: I don't need your approval.
Leslie Knope: But you have it.
Ron Swanson: Don't need it.
Leslie Knope: But you got it.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life. I am so, so happy for him--
Tammy Two: Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. Wow, look at this room. So much wood, ready to be worked.
Leslie Knope: [bleep] me!

Leslie Knope: [humming] Alert... alert, alert, alert.
Ron Swanson: She's here, isn't she?
Tammy Two: Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here.
Ron Swanson: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife.
Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife. We were married twice.
Leslie Knope: And divorced twice. Everything is done. They are totally done.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This may be the hardest challenge yet for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian. I need to protect a sweet couple from a sex-crazed demon librarian who makes me question my stance on using the "B" word. I don't know, maybe just this once. No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it.

Leslie Knope: Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" is every other man's "total package." But the point is, I don't think it's about dating. I kind of see where Diane is coming from. We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life.
Ron Swanson: I wouldn't say we're close.
Leslie Knope: By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is.
Ron Swanson: So does Baskin-Robbins.
Leslie Knope: I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums.
Ron Swanson: Keep your voice down, woman!

Leslie Knope: [to Diane] So tell me everything about yourself: Your kids, your hobbies. What are your five biggest hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets?

Tom: Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately?
Ann: What's the occasion?
Tom: It's December. It's the time we celebrate our most sacred and special event... ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
Donna: ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
April: ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
Andy: ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
Ann: What the hell is Jerry Dinner?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, we put a dollar in this box. At the end of the year, we take all the cash and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. This year, we have... $516. [cup spilling] Aw, jeez! And that's 517. [Jerry gasps] 518.

Ron Swanson: Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, or as I like to call it, heaven.
Leslie Knope: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Ah! Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? Diane, this is Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist.
Diane Lewis: [laughs] Oh, yeah. He's not a big sharer. I don't even know what his middle name is.
Leslie Knope: Oh, it's Ulysses.
Diane Lewis: I can see why he didn't tell me that. [laughs]