Mike Patterson: Pardon me. I need to get through. Pardon me. Excuse me. Mike Patterson here. Leslie, you've made it pretty clear that you don't think homemaking is important. Do you ever cook for your children, and who's even watching your children right now, while you're out God only knows where?
Leslie Knope: What are you talking about? I'm standing right here in front of you.
Mike Patterson: Okay. Take it easy. Let's not get emotional.
Ben: Okay. We have to run. We'll see you all at my economic address. Thanks for coming, everybody.
Mike Patterson: What other traditions are you against, Leslie? Baseball? Hugging your children? How much did that haircut cost?
Leslie Knope: None of your business, and thank you for noticing.

Announcer: No, You're Wrong with Mike Patterson.
Mike Patterson: Welcome back to the program. My guest is June Hartwell, wife of incumbent Congressman, Paul Hartwell. Now, June, we all know what Ben Wyatt's wife is really saying. By skipping the Pie-mary, she's saying women who love their families are stupid.
June Hartwell: Well, Mike, we all make certain choices. Ms. Knope chose to try to have it all. I chose to put my family first.
Mike Patterson: Well, I'm just speculating here, but do you think that Leslie Knope's actions indicate that she actually hates her family?

April: I had it in a safe place, and then I moved it to protect it, and I don't remember where.
Ron Swanson: I see.
Andy: Don't be mad, Ron. She hid it too good, and she left a string of clues.
Ron Swanson: It's an impossible puzzle, and I love puzzles! A minimal, unhelpful note, these appear to be human teeth, and what is this? "Twilight: New Moon".
April: It's a movie, but I've never seen it. It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff.
Ron Swanson: Donna likes those things! Dollars to doughnuts this points us her way. Finally, a scavenger hunt worthy of my time. Onward!

Leslie Knope: Okay. Snacks given, kids tucked in, books read, three simultaneous meltdowns for no reason, kids tucked back in, one of them briefly got outside somehow, kids back in bed. They're all napping.
Ben: Okay, I got everything you need for pie domination. I even got an extra whipped-cream can. One for baking, one for directly-into-mouth.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you know me so well. [doorbell rings] That might be one of the kids.

Elise Yarktin: Hi, Leslie. Elise Yarktin from the Indiana Organization of Women.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my goodness! Elise, please come in. [gasps] Wait! Are you here to give me the Woman of the Year award? I have a speech prepared. Would you like to see it right now?
Elise Yarktin: No. Leslie, we were thrilled to find out you were boycotting that ridiculous Pie-mary, but we just got word you've decided to enter?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Well, I agree that it's dumb, but this is not about me. It's about Ben, and he will do more for women than Hartwell. So, you know, lose a battle, win the war. That kind of thing. It's the way to go.
Elise Yarktin: Look, the Pie-mary is retrogressive and misogynistic, and if you participate, we will have no choice but to protest you and Ben at the event. Hope you like pies... in yo' face. Metaphorically. We'll be civil.

Leslie Knope: Elise, there is no bigger defender of gender equality than Leslie Knope, and my husband, Ben, is a progressive champion of women's rights.
Ben: Babe, the oven's ready. Chop-chop! Time to get baking. Daddy want pie! Hi. Ben Wyatt.

Ron Swanson: Do you remember anything about a key or April doing anything unusual that day?
Donna: She did make us stop by the shoe-shine stand before she left, because she wanted to drop something off for Andy. She had a real bad crush on him.
Andy: [laughing] Oh, babe! You had a crush on me! That's embarrassing.
April: We're married.
Andy: Still!

Donna: Garry, what the hell are you doing?
Jerry: Oh, gosh. Well, I dropped my wedding ring down this grate, and then I was trying to get it out, and I dropped my keys down there too, so I can't leave.
Donna: Damn. This takes me back. You mind if I stay and watch?
Jerry: Oh, not at all. Appreciate the company.

Donna: I am having some serious déjà vu. How many times have you lost your wedding ring?
Jerry: Oh, G-- [item clatters] Too many times to count. And it causes real trouble with Gayle. Yeah, I mean, anytime I lose my ring, she turns into a real grumpy goose.
Donna: Is that so?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. She'll say, you know, "Garry, you'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight." [chuckles] And then she makes me go for the fresh oranges for the morning OJ. Yeah, I mean, she says, "Hey, Mr. Forgetful." Well, I mean, those words... I mean, they rattle around here for hours. That's why I've got to be extra careful with this replacement ring, because if I lost-- [ring clinking]
Donna: [laughing] I'm gonna order us some dinner.

Andy: [gasps] The shoe-shine stand is gone... or maybe it was never here.
Ron Swanson: They must have moved it during the remodel. It's probably in basement storage. To the basement!
[Ron and April run off in one direction, Andy initially goes the other]