Leslie Knope: How's your pie?
Ben: I don't know. I didn't make a pie.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Okay. How is your dessert calzone?
Ben: It's ready. The question is, are they?

Ben: Why are you wearing a poncho?
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, because every surface area in your house is sticky. Last time I was here, I found a melted crayon on my blazer.

April: I know you normally hate foundations, but this one I think you'll actually like. We take people that don't know what they want to do and then put them to work doing cool stuff all over the world, and I start in a couple months.
Ron Swanson: Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging, but you are out of local government, and that's a step in the right direction.
April: It's definitely the job I wanted... But it means that we have to move to Washington.
Ron Swanson: Well... then bully for you. If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house, the one I gave you years ago when you were my assistant, for emergencies.
April: Okay.
Ron Swanson: Good talk.

Andy: Listen, babe. All we got to do is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key.
April: Okay.
Andy: All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent. So give me the key, and I'll get you that key.

Leslie Knope: The I.O.W. does not mess around, which, normally, is why I love them, but now I'm on the other side. Oh, my God, Ben! I gave them $100 in their annual pledge. Do you know how many anti-me signs that could buy?

Jerry: Donna, what are you doing here so early?
Donna: I come bearing gifts. First off, I got a dude in maintenance to open up that grate this morning. So here's your rings, keys, credit cards, and I found some heart medicine I assume is yours.
Jerry: Yeah, no, that's mine. That's mine. Oh, my gosh.
Donna: Also, I thought I'd bring over some fresh oranges for you and Gayle.
Jerry: Okay, well, that is just so kind, Donna. Thank you.
Donna: You're one of a kind, Garry.
Jerry: Oh.
Donna: And I just want to thank you for taking me down memory lane, you big B word.
Jerry: Oh.
Donna: "Buddy."

Ben: Good afternoon. I'm here today to share with you all my vision for the economic future of Southern Indiana, but first, Leslie Knope, my wife... has a brief statement.
Leslie Knope: Hello, everyone. Thank you. Wow. How about this weather we're having? Very temperate. Okay. Recently, I made an attempt to--
Ben: Actually, hang on. Stop. I'm sorry. This whole thing just makes me queasy I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak. That came out wrong. The point is Leslie is a great mother, public servant, all-around person, and I am tired of everybody constantly telling her that she's making the wrong choice. So you can say whatever you want. I couldn't care less about the political consequences.

Marcia Langman: Leslie Knope exemplifies the feminist attack on our values. She could learn a little something about traditional family structure from me and my husband, Marshall.
Marshall Langman: Um, fierce alert! Eat 'em up, honey!
Elise Yarktin: The idea that feminism is an attack on family values is absurd.
Joan Callamezzo: Ooh, so you're defending Leslie Knope.
Elise Yarktin: No. Absolutely not. Frankly, I don't think she's done enough to distance herself from this misogynistic lunacy.
Joan Callamezzo: Let's turn, now, to Sasha Dunkirk. She is head of the group Women Against Feminism.
Kipp Bunthart: What a surprise! The woman is only talking to other women. Can we have one conversation about feminism where men get to be in charge?
Sasha Dunkirk: I actually agree with him.
Kipp Bunthart: I don't need your pity.
Brandi Maxxxx: Joan, Leslie Knope and I are united in our disgust of this week's events. Leslie, if you're watching, I, Brandi Maxxxx, star of 69 Jump Street and 50 Shaved Old Gays, have your back.

Ben: Okay. I have a photo op with Gryzzl tomorrow. Between now and then, we have a ton of stuff scheduled. Looks like we're gonna have to skip the pie-baking event and the ceremonial squash toss.
Jennifer Barkley: Oh.
Leslie Knope: Oh, really? We have to skip that? I love watching those squashes fly through the air. I kind of like the way they land.
Ben: Me too! [both laugh]
Jennifer Barkley: Okay, excuse me, but I have to get back to a city where things happen.

Jennifer Barkley: Okay. This campaign is about to start in earnest. Things are about to get real intense. Leslie, you ready?
Leslie Knope: Me Leslie?
Jennifer Barkley: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Well, I was an actual candidate, so I think I can handle being a candidate's wife. I know all the issues inside and out.
Jennifer Barkley: Mm. See, that's the problem. Being the wife of is a minefield. If you were just a ding-dong, I would just slap a flag pin on you. I'd pour some Valium down your throat and just shove you behind the podium way upstage. It's the smarties that freak people out.
Leslie Knope: I think you're underestimating the voters.
Jennifer Barkley: [laughing] I don't think that is possible.