Ron Swanson: Boys, think. We are on a quest, and we are not leaving until we get an answer.
Harris: Well, we're on our own quest, which is to squeeze this just tight enough to make my eyes bulge out a little bit, but not so tight that I die.
Andy: Oh, I've been there. That's a real tightrope walk.

Brett: Oh! Hey! Last week this real scary ghost came down here looking for it. It had black hair, but you could see through its skin, and it didn't like me, but that's just 'cause I got a soul of a Ghostbuster.
Harris: Yeah, it said something about how it was worried Brett was gonna mug it.
April: Okay, so we're looking for a racist ghost with black hair who likes shoe shines.
Ron Swanson: I think I have the answer. The chase continues!

Donna: Okay, wait. The time that you told us you were mugged in the park, what were you reaching for in the river?
Jerry: A burrito.
Donna: That's right! You fell in the river reaching for a burrito.
Jerry: Yes, ma'am, that was not one of my finer moments.
Donna: [laughs] Ooh, it's getting late. We need to bounce. I can give you a ride.
Jerry: Oh, thank you, Donna. Probably gonna get an earful when I get home tonight. [sighs] Gayle might even call me the B word. "Bozo."
Donna: Wow. We are very different people.

Martin Houseman: Our next contestant is candidate Ben Wyatt's wife, Leslie. Let's see what Mrs. Wyatt has baked up for us, shall we?
Ben: It's actually Ms. Knope, and, actually, right now it's Mr. Wyatt. Leslie has her own busy life, and I happen to be an excellent pie maker, so we figured we'd switch it up a bit. Now, pack your suitcases, because we're going to a little town called a-Napoli in Ital-y.

All: Free Ben Wyatt! Free Ben Wyatt!
Ben: Excuse me. Free me from what?
Kipp Bunthart: From the tyranny of women. We are the Male Men. We are a men's rights activist group, and we are fed up!
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry. What's happening now?
Kipp Bunthart: Behind every successful woman is a man she has oppressed. First, Leslie Knope poaches her husband's campaign by making it all about her. Now she's forcing him to bake pies and enter a contest for her?
Leslie Knope: Oh, excuse me! I'm not forcing him to do anything. He loves to cook. He--he has five personalized aprons.
Kipp Bunthart: Oh, so I guess he was asking for it because of the way he was dressed. We are sick and tired of this feminized society! Men have had a very rough go of it for... just recently, and it ends now! Male and proud!
All: Male and proud! Male and proud!

Jennifer Barkley: Oof! Really stepped in it this time, Knope.
Ben: Why isn't the other candidate's wife being scrutinized like this?
Jennifer Barkley: Because June Hartwell is a lukewarm bowl of nothing. She started an awareness campaign called "Bring a Sweater." She calls it goose-bump prevention. Come on, you guys, you know the drill. Just ignore the fact that you're right, put on your blandest outfits, so that one, hopefully, and then just go out there and publicly apologize. Done.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ben: Apologize for what?
Jennifer Barkley: Doesn't matter. Just say you're sorry. It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just got to force it down. Suddenly, the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

Councilman Milton: So much has changed around here. Uhh, I just wanted to remember the good old days, when a shoe shine was two bits and there were no Mexicans in the music business.
Ron Swanson: If you don't mind, Councilman Milton, we just need to search this stand.
April: Yes! Found it. "Hi, Andy. I hate people, but you are okay. It's weird. Woof, woof. April."
Andy: Oh, my God, babe, you were so into me. That's hilarious.
Ron Swanson: That's it.
April: It's a dead end. No more clues.
Ron Swanson: See me in my office.

Kipp Bunthart: Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak!
Leslie Knope: He just spoke.
Kipp Bunthart: Oh. Sorry. I-I just got here. I had a broken bike chain. My bad.