Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I did it! My club is officially the best club. I would give myself a merit badge that says "Best Club Founder," but I don't have one, so I'm going to give myself "Prettiest eyes" as a placeholder. I secretly always wanted this badge, so it works out great.

Tom: Man, did you buy anything for yourself today?
Ben: Yeah, I got this pack of socks.
Tom: Plain white socks? That's not a treat! Donna! Get me away from him.
Donna: Look. Maybe this is our version of treat yourself day and he needs to do his version.
Tom: What are you talking about?
Donna: Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing - not sock money - what would it be?
[cut to Ben in a full Batman costume:]
Tom: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is a whole new level of nerd.
Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?
Tom: Wait. No, no, no, no. I mean that in a good way, Ben. Listen to me, you're part of the treat yourself team now, okay? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it. And you're gonna wear it out of the store, okay? You're gonna treat yourself.
Ben: Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks, you guys. [crying]
Thank you. I really needed this. [sobbing] I'm gonna treat myself.
Donna: Uh-oh. Batman's crying.

Leslie Knope: Hey. Can I sit down? Look, I didn't mean for this to happen. I have a lot of respect for the Pawnee Rangers, even if they were jerks five years ago. You're not a jerk. You're a good troop leader.
Ron Swanson: Not for these times I'm not. It's taken me a while to see this, but these kids... I don't understand 'em. And they certainly don't understand me.
Leslie Knope: That's not true.
Ron Swanson: No, it is. And it's okay. People change. Their interests change. It's the way of the world. When did kids get so interested in fun?

Ron Swanson: What are you doing here?
Lauren: We're here for the club.
Ron Swanson: That was last week.
Lauren: The ad says today.
Ron Swanson: Ad?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: "Are you tough as nails? Would you rather sleep on a bed of pine needles than a mattress? Do you find video games pointless and shopping malls stupid? Do you march to the beat of your own drummer? Did you make the drum yourself? If so, you might just have what it takes to be a Swanson. Pawnee's most hardcore outdoor club starts today. Boys and girls welcome."

Andy: And I... am Mother Nature's brother: Brother nature. But you can call me Andy. Or brother nature. Your call.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: Brother nature.

Leslie Knope: Ladies! The goddess cabin has never looked better. This year's cabin refurbishment badge is going to be hotly contested. Okay, so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft time? Lauren?
Lauren: I made a "Gertrude Stein." [applause]
Leslie Knope: Amazing. Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't want to follow that. Ann?
Ann: Oh, boy. Um... I was making some cornhusk dolls for everyone but they kinda turned out wrong so they look like monsters. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there. In the fire.
Leslie Knope: Well, Ann's keeping us warm. And that's important.

Leslie Knope: April? [strums ukulele] What was your craft?
April: I drew something on my arm. It's a pioneer girl watching her grandmother get trampled by a buffalo. [all ooh and aww] Yeah. This right here's all the blood coming out her face.

Tom: Donna, you and I are relaxation professionals. There's no way Ben can slow down enough to keep up with us. My Nubian princess, this is our holy day. It's the one day a year I allow myself to be selfish.
Jerry: Ooh, cupcakes.
Tom: Those are all for me, Jerry.

Boy: So what's on our schedule, Mr. Swanson?
Ron Swanson: We have one activity planned: Not getting killed.

Chris: Jerry. Oh, everybody must be at Rangers weekend.
Jerry: You know, I actually was a ranger for 12 years--
Chris: That's wonderful. Maybe you should take the day off. You know, rest is very important. Did you know that lab rats who are deprived of rest grow tumors all over their bodies? You should Google it. It's horrifying.
Jerry: Thank you. You know, I'm gonna go have lunch with my daughter! You know, Chris, if you wanted, you know, you should join us for lunch. My daughter, she's really sweet.
Chris: I would love to, Jerry, but I'm afraid that I am busy. I have got to run. Google those rat tumors!