Ron Swanson: Swansons! Are you prepared for whatever lies ahead?
All: Yes, sir.
Ron Swanson: Before we proceed, do any of have any dietary restrictions? [all shake heads] Correct, you do not. First outing is right now. I will be teaching you to dig a proper trench. Does that sound like something you want to do?
All: Yes, sir.
Ron Swanson: This will be no fun at all.

Ben: Oh, my God!
Tom: Hi, Donna.
Donna: Hey. Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back, and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in your base.

Woman: Just relax and don't move.
Ben: Okay. Ah... This is the most stressed-out I've ever been in my life.
Tom: Ben, listen. I'm gonna talk to you about things you like to take your mind off the needles, okay? Accounting. Trigonometry. Stamps, probably.
Ben: More of a rare coins guy. Help me. Help me!

Donna: I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it.
Tom: Donna Meagle? Treat yourself. Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane.
Donna: Treat yourself.
Ben: I mean, this is insane.

Ron Swanson: Gentlemen. Wildeness weekend is upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no Internet pads. This weekend you have two parents: Me and Mother Nature.

Leslie Knope: Okay, it's time to give out the badges. Um, let's see. Emily, you get the badge for most community service. [applause] To Casey, the best penguin blog badge. [applause] To Abigail, flyest hairstyle. And Ann gets the badge for second-flyest hairstyle.
Ann: Oh! I wasn't competing for that.
Leslie Knope: I'll say.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Five years ago, a plucky fifth-grader wanted to join the Pawnee Rangers, but their executive council said what obnoxious jerks always say. "No. This is males-only. Go start your own club." She couldn't. So I did. We're called the Pawnee Goddesses, and we're freakin' awesome.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron, whose club do you think is better, yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.
Ron Swanson: It's not a competition.
Leslie Knope: Oh, but it is. Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out. [as a Southern belle] Oh, my stars. I'm just a little lady. My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors.
Ron Swanson: I have no problem with strong women, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Who's Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf, and, y'all, I just fall to pieces when the sun shines on my hair--ed.

Donna: I got a question.
Tom: Mm-hmm?
Donna: What do you think about inviting Ben to come along with us today?
Tom: What? No! This is our thing.
Donna: But he really seems like he could use a day off. He's like a skinny little rubber band that's about to snap in half.

Leslie Knope: This homemade bulgogi is so delicious, Kayla. This is the best Korean food I've ever had. I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can. Right, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I'm trying to teach my boys about rationing food, and your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.
Leslie Knope: Goddesses, let's go over our schedule for this afternoon. We have hiking, and then capture the flag, and then a puppet show about the Bill of Rights set to "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus, and then we have lasso training, and a s'mores-off.

Donna: Come on, rubber band. Come with us.
Ben: What? What are you--
Donna: No arguing. And no soup in the Benz. Get in.
Ben: Wha? What? What is happening right now?