Leslie Knope: I can't believe it. We knocked it out of the park on the first try. If we do this right, we can be parents to 1/3 of the Supreme Court!
Ben: This is insane.
Leslie Knope: This is amazing. I always knew we were one in a million, and now we got the proof!
Dr. Saperstein: Well, actually, one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more frequently than you imagine, especially at your age.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Dr. Saperstein: Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean to be insensitive - a going-out-of-business sale.

April: Okay, so when this ends, we have a half hour to get to the next party. That gives us 15 minutes of travel time and 15 minutes for you to take a wet-nap shower in the car.
Andy: Good, I need one.
April: Also, tell me your secret.
Andy: Babe, don't make me tell. I don't wanna break my promise.
April: Tell me now.
Jerry: Oh, jeez, this is heavy. Pardon me.
Andy: It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.
April: Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him and let him carry all your stuff.
Andy: Yes, that's the reason. Good call, babe.
Jerry: [clatter] Jeez.
April: Poor guy.

Leslie Knope: [talking softly] Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming to this wonderful and calm event. Our first item up for bid is two all-access V.I.P. passes to the unity concert. Let's start the bidding at $40. Do I hear 40? Thank you. 40. We can beat this. 50. Anyone for 50? $50. Thank you, sir. Terrific. Any higher? No? Well, that's fine. We're all just calm and happy people enjoying ourselves together on earth. Sold for $50. How magnificent.
Craig: Leslie, that's less than face value. You need passion, zeal, showmanship. I don't have the gavel, so I'm powerless. I respect the hierarchy of the auction!
Ben: I think Leslie's doing a great job. Thank you, Craig.

Ron Swanson: Girls, Ron's got sharp tools now.
Zoey Lewis: Oh, Ron!
Joe: Ladies. [sings] Eyes are watching, ears are listening Lips are closed, hands are still
All: Feet are very quiet You should really try it, listen well, listen well
[The girls run off]
Ron Swanson: That was well played.
Joe: Children their age respond positively to melody and rhyme. They are great girls. You must feel very lucky to be their stepdad.
Ron Swanson: I do, indeed. If you'll excuse me, Joe, I have to finish hogging out the cheeks on these lap joints.
Joe: Oh, maybe you could use this jig I made. It's just a hardwood clamping block connected to a small piece of hackberry. You could use it to locate your cuts for the inside shoulder...
Both: Without having to reset the fence.
Joe: Exactly. Muffin?

April: Thirsty there, big guy?
Jerry: Well, jeez, yes. Thank you so much. Do you remember the time when you put sleeping pills in my soda? I fell right over in the middle of a town hall meeting.
April: Mm, no. I don't remember that.
Jerry: You made a video of it and showed it at my birthday party. Yes, it went over really big.
April: Well, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Jerry: That's very sweet. Yeah, um, I have got an itch that I have not been able to get to all day, and even against the wall, nothing will do it. Would you mind doing that?
April: No, not at all.
Jerry: Just--if you could, like-- okay, go up. Go up the back. [groans]

Andy: [on the phone] Hey, Ben. Can I just please tell just April? I am hanging on by a thread over here.
Ben: No, just--look, everyone's healthy and fine, but it's complicated. There's a lot going on. So just don't say anything to anyone about anything forever, okay? Andy? You can say "Okay."
Andy: Okay. Bye. I didn't mean to say "Bye."

Leslie Knope: Our next item up for bid is the naming rights for our children's tent, so let's start the bidding at $1,000, please.
Councilman Jamm: I'll bid 100 bucks.
Leslie Knope: 1,000? Anyone want to-- Oh, thank you, madam. A very wealthy and elegant-looking woman with a diamond-encrusted eye patch just raised her hand. Don't look at her. She doesn't like attention, but she's there. She's real. So do I hear 2,000? Ooh, yeah, here we go. The sheik has thrown his hat into the ring. Well...
Councilman Jamm: There's no sheik.
Leslie Knope: It looks like we've got a real bidding war between...
Councilman Jamm: There's no bidding war. No one's talking...
Leslie Knope: An elegant--
Councilman Jamm: 'Cause there's no sheik, and there's no old lady with a diamond-- What is it, a diamond eye patch?
Leslie Knope: 3,000, says the gentleman...
Councilman Jamm: There's no 3,000.
Leslie Knope: With the crazy hat and a monkey on his shoulder.
Councilman Jamm: It's 100 bucks. It's my bid.
Leslie Knope: That is outrageous.
Councilman Jamm: That's the only bid out there right now. Naming rights for the kids' tent go to Jamm Orthodontics for 100 smackers. [bangs gavel] Now that is the steal of the day.

Leslie Knope: Come on, Pearl, jump in. Don't make me pull the permits on your rental units.
Pearl: Hey, all the paperwork on those buildings are under my dog's name, so if you got a problem, take it up with Princess.

Craig: Oh, my God, there's blood everywhere. Call a doctor! No, call a coroner!

Dr. Harris: You have very weak hands.
Ben: Why would you say that?
Dr. Harris: Just making an observation.
Leslie Knope: Poor Ben. You know the EMT said that if flea had sent you his bass, you could've lost a thumb.
Ben: I'm totally fine, babe. Everything is a-okay coolio beans. You want to meditate real quick?