Leslie Knope: No, we do not have time. We have a concert to save. [to nurse] Excuse me, he's feeling better. He can go, right, Ann? Damn it. I wonder if I'll ever stop doing that.

Ron Swanson: I honestly don't care, but I'm just gonna say it. I like Joe. He's a nice man who's good with kids, and he seems to be smart and patient.
Donna: I know. That's why he's my Tammy. I'm a social butterfly. When we're together, all we do is have sex, sit on the couch, eat homemade pasta, have sex again.
Ron Swanson: Enough.
Donna: He's constantly being respectful, wanting to spend time with me, trying to "connect" with me. It's a nightmare. I become boring.
Ron Swanson: Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.

Andy: Fine. I'll tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.
April: Lie.
Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has. Leslie is dying.
April: No.
Andy: They're both dying.
April: No.
Andy: I'm dying. Chris and Ann are moving.
April: They already moved.
Andy: They're moving again to China... town in France.
April: No!
Andy: Okay, fine. Do you really want to know?
April: Yes.
Andy: Leslie is a spy.
April: No.
Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt.
April: Oh, my God.
Andy: What? Did you hear that? They need an encore. Honey, they want--the kids want an encore, I'm sorry. What song should we do? You wanna do Toots?

Joe: [to a mother at the school] I hope you don't mind, but I noticed that your right rear tire was a little flat, so I patched it, and I inflated it for you. But you're still gonna want to go to a garage 'cause I don't--
Donna: I like to do things.
Joe: Excuse me.
Donna: Museums, opera, nightclubs. Sometimes I disappear for a day or two 'cause I'm fly-fishing or I'm at a Seattle Sounders game. I promise not to cheat on you if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast.
Joe: I have no problem with that.
Donna: You can take me to dinner Friday.
Joe: I have only one request: that you wear that, uh, red thing.
Donna: I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing.

Ben: Leslie, I have been trying so hard not to stress you out, but we just spent our entire savings account on a trip to Paris. What were we thinking? We spent too much money on macaroons.
Leslie Knope: Okay, honey--
Ben: Okay, wait, what's the number for the Louvre? I mean, maybe I can get a refund. We barely looked at the Mona Lisa.
Leslie Knope: Honey, can you just breathe for a second?
Ben: Leslie, these numbers are going to determine everything for the rest of our lives!
Leslie Knope: Breathe.
Ben: I mean, maybe we should move because we could make more money, or maybe we should stay here because it's cheaper to live here than in Chicago. Oh, my God! I'm shamwowing all of your stress, and there's no one here to wring me out.

Leslie Knope: Benjamin Wyatt...
Ben: I don't even know--
Leslie Knope: The man of my dreams, the one that I love, shh.
Ben: Leslie, we are in trouble here. We are in real trouble!
Leslie Knope: [laughs] I'm so sorry.
Ben: What?
Leslie Knope: You just look so crazy right now, but cute.
Ben: You're always stressed out. How are you calm right now?
Leslie Knope: Because I realized something. Everything that we have been through, the Harvest Festival, the election, the recall, the merger, Ann leaving, Larry changing his name for some stupid reason... All of it has just been preparation for this. I am immune to stress because I have you. Come on. I have an idea.

Donna: So I'm going to dinner with Joe next week.
Ron Swanson: Glad to hear it.
Donna: It's always nice to see someone actually change for the better.
Ron Swanson: Yes, Joe seems like a good man, but at this point, I'm done talking about him.
Donna: I was talking about you. Your family has made you a more patient and empathetic person.
Ron Swanson: You take that back.
Donna: Come on, Swanson. Did you think even two years ago you'd be playing matchmaker for me while wearing a glittery crown? Now you're a dad. You care a little, itty bit about your friends. You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

April: Andy, the camo is not working. I can see you.
Andy: [sighs] Damn, really?
April: Yes. Babe, you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore, okay? I just thought, when we got married, we would share everything, but if you really can't tell me or whatever, it's fine. I trust you.
Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret, and for once, I wanted to keep my word. But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you 'cause it's super juicy, you ready?
Leslie Knope: Okay. Everybody, if you could gather around...
Andy: They're here. Don't try to get it out of me anymore.

Leslie Knope: The reason I have been acting so weird is not because I've been waiting for the results of the soil samples to come back.
Jerry: Well, jeez, I've been up all night trying to make sure--
Leslie Knope: It doesn't matter, Larry. It was a pointless ruse designed to waste time. The truth is... I'm pregnant. [all cheering]
Andy: Yes, I did it! I kept a secret.

Jerry: Okay, now listen to me, you two. Gayle and I have kept everything our girls ever used, so we have, like, millions of clothes and strollers and, just don't buy a thing, okay?
Ron Swanson: A triple crib sounds like an interesting woodworking challenge. Would you like oak or pine? I'll make both, and you can choose.
Donna: My boyf-- My friend Joe has the hookup at all the good preschools.
April: Andy and I can babysit anytime, except for on weekends and nights, but we're free anytime during work hours.
Jerry: This is gonna be the happiest time of your life!