Leslie Knope: Does anybody feel like they can't breathe? I think I need some fresh air.
April: We're outside.
Leslie Knope: God, these women. They're so smart and accomplished and pretty. And they're tall. Why are they all so tall? It's like C-Span and Neiman Marcus had kids or something.

John McCain: Excuse me. I just need to get my coat here.
Leslie Knope: [without turning around] Could you give me a minute here, please?
John McCain: Are you- Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Leslie Knope: I-I would like you to just leave and give me a little privacy here, please.
John McCain: All right. I'm sorry. I hope everything's okay.
Leslie Knope: [scoffs] Nosy people have no respect for personal space.

Andy: Are you okay, boss?
Leslie Knope: No. Not really. I know I should be focusing on this river cleanup, but all I keep thinking about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?
Leslie Knope: [sighs] She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. I combined all of the giant, dark-haired, smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.

Leslie Knope: So you can see that the color changes about 1/3 of the way up, and it's when construction was actually halted on the monu--
Andy: Leslie, this is a really cool penis, but Ben and April are meeting us at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.
Leslie Knope: Let's talk on the way. 1776, a nation was born.
Andy: Which nation?

Donna: Why are we having a conference-room meeting? Leslie's gone.
Chris: Ron has taken initiative, and he is leading the meeting. [laughter]
Ron Swanson: He's not joking. I wanted to let you all know that I will be throwing the annual Parks Department employee-appreciation barbecue.
Donna: You're going to throw the Leslie Knope Employment Enjoyment Summerslam Grill Jam Fun-slposion?
Ron Swanson: That's right.
Tom: You are gonna oversee the Popsicle-eating contest, the slip'n slide-a-thon, the watermelon carving, the gazpacho-off, and star in a one-woman show about parks rules and regulations?
Jerry: "Parks and Dolls." [sings] I got your park right here, its name is Ramsett Park.
All: [sing] and its gates are open from dawn till dark.
Ron Swanson: I am not doing any of that, which is the point.

Chris: I know that Ron doesn't want us to eat anything before the meat, but I smuggled in some candy.
Tom: Oh, thank God. I'm starving. Raisins?
Chris: It's nature's candy. Now, they're basically grapes. So remember to pace yourself. I can't even follow my own advice. It's too delicious.

Jerry: Donna, I got to go to the boys' room. Can I have a ride in your car?
Donna: Absolutely not.
Tom: This barbecue stinks. I'm saying it. It stinks.
Ann: Do you have any plates or anything? I mean, how are we supposed to eat these rumps?
Jerry: Ron, if no one takes me to the bathroom, I'm just going to have to go in the trees.
Ron Swanson: All right. Forget it. [slams barbecue shut] You have ruined a perfectly good barbecue with your demands and chatter. [closes car trunk] Enjoy the rest of your evening. [drives off with barbecue]

Ben: Uh, Leslie? Hello? What's going on?
Leslie Knope: Nothing. I'm just tired, okay? I saw 24 historical sights in a day, and it's 120 degrees out with 200% humidity, 'cause this is a stupid swamp town.
Ben: Okay, that would make anyone cranky.
Leslie Knope: I'm not cranky.
Ben: Okay. I thought you'd enjoy meeting numbers 4 and 26 on Leslie's list of amazing women.
Leslie Knope: I do. I did. You're the most amazing boyfriend ever. And if you don't get out of here soon, I'm going to punch you in the face.

Leslie Knope: Now take out your guidebook.
Andy: Oh, I didn't bring a guidebook.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I brought you one.
Andy: You did?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Andy: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Now throw it away, 'cause Leslie Knope is your guidebook. [Andy throws the book] I didn't-- I didn't mean literally. There were some notes in it. Okay, grab the book, and let's hit the National Mall.
Andy: There's a mall? That's awesome. I need to get some flip-flops.

Leslie Knope: "In this temple, as in the hearts of the people for whom he saved the Union, the memory of Abraham Lincoln is enshrined forever." Andy, what are you doing?
Andy: Have you ever seen any of the National Treasure movies? Everything in this city is a clue.
Leslie Knope: Nothing in that movie is accurate.
Andy: Aha! A clue! Check it out.
Leslie Knope: I think that's just gum.
Andy: How do I know this isn't a treasure map just waiting to be unfurled?
Leslie Knope: Because it's gum.
Andy: That's gum.