Tom: You like that coat?
Man: Yeah. But $200? It's used.
Tom: I paid 150 for it, then added the scorpion.
Man: You can't sell clothes at a tag sale for more than they're worth.
Tom: Um, watch me.

April: Dude, you're totally blowing this.
Ron Swanson: I'm not gonna apologize. It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake. Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad.
April: Oh, my God, you are so sad.
Ron Swanson: I am not.
Andy: Ron, she's right. I've trained extensively in the art of observation. You are sad, and we know why. You didn't sell you table. And it's probably a little too expensive.
April: Shh. No.

Ann: Hey, we're up to $60, not bad, right?
Leslie Knope: Yes, Ann, bad. You might not care about Jerry's future, but I do. Okay? We need to do something very drastic so he can be happy, so we can all be happy. Uh, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Ann: Don't know what you're thinking, but I'm definitely not thinking what you're thinking.
Leslie Knope: Good idea, Ann.

Leslie Knope: Okay, we have a new item up for bid. A wonderful surprise item. An evening with sexy nurse Ann Perkins.
Ann: No.
Leslie Knope: Yes. Look at her, folks. One evening with the most beautiful woman in the world. Just dinner and dancing, nothing sexual. Unless she's into that, but no, she's not. Nothing fresh. Don't even try it. But you never know, right?
Ann: No!
Leslie Knope: No, she's not into it. Don't try anything, but, you know, give it a shot. Either way, it's for a good cause. Let's raise some money.

Leslie Knope: Wow, 900 from the man with the tank top and the tattoos. That's so great. Let's beat that, shall we? Who wants to beat it? Anybody beat it please?
Josh: I'm sorry, I'm out. I wouldn't sell her to that guy, though. Just one man's opinion.
Leslie Knope: Okay... Sir, what would you do with your $900 date? How would you, uh, um... What are you gonna do to her?
Herman: I don't know. My cousin's got a kickass mud pit in his yard. She could watch me do belly flops then we maybe we could get some Thai food and a tank of nitrous and see what happens.
Leslie Knope: Oh, that's not as bad as I thought it would be.
Ann: I am going to bid a million dollars on myself. Going once, going never, sold. [runs off stage]

Leslie Knope: I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled. We only raised $1,200.
Jerry: Leslie, thank you. That is amazing.
Leslie Knope: No, it stinks. It's not even close to what you need. With all your bills, and the inevitable follow-up problems, and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you. I mean, you had this whole plan for your retirement and your beach house and now you're future is just a huge pile of crap.
Jerry: Leslie, you can't actually plan your future. You know, there's no guarantees in this world. As long as the people I love are a part of my life I will be just fine. You wanna stick around? Watch some of my stories with me? Tonight's strawberry Jell-o night!
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, your life is so depressing. No thank you.

Jennifer Barkley: Never seen anyone more tortured over good news.
Ben: I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I just, you know, I have a lot to consider.
Jennifer Barkley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Feelings and girlfriend and whatever. The point is just yesterday you said to me, "I'm never happier than when I'm managing a campaign."
Ben: I don't think I said that.
Jennifer Barkley: You didn't have to. I watched you in Florida. You were saying it with your heart.
Ben: Wow, you are really good at this.
Jennifer Barkley: Yes, I am. I'm amazing. But more importantly, so are you. There aren't a lot of people that can manage a campaign. But you, Ben Wyatt, are one of them. So, just take tonight and just think about your future.

Ron Swanson: Hello, Diane. I have brought you flowers. Also chocolates. And some grout cleaner. I noticed you needed grout cleaner, so I brought that too.
Diane Lewis: Very romantic. My kids are non-negotiable, Ron. It's a package deal.
Ron Swanson: I know. I'm sorry, Diane. I really am. I've been alone most of my life by choice and kids... This is all new for me. But I'd like to become familiar with it if you give me a chance to prove myself. I did bring the girls something. I thought I could teach 'em to saw. [slight laugh] I now realize that seems dangerous.

All: Trick or treat!
Man: It's November 8th.
Ron Swanson: Yes, well, these girls didn't get a chance to go trick or treating so somewhere in this house there is some candy. Why don't you find it and we'll get right out of your hair.
Man: All right, hold on one second.
Diane Lewis: You having fun, ladies?
Both: Yeah!
Man: All right, I got some, uh, calcium chews and, uh, a roll of cookie dough.
Ron Swanson: Okay, what do you say, girls?
Both: Thank you!
Ron Swanson: Tremendous. [pays man] Appreciate it.