Ben: Okay, I'll lay out the benefits of donating. Tom will flatter and schmooze as only Tom can. Andy, you know, this is just a learning experience for you, so you just watch and listen.
Tom: I had to pull a lot of strings to get this meeting, so please, no one embarrass me. Ben, put on something decent, like a tux. Andy, you're hopeless, just take a shower.
Andy: I already took what I call a "Dwyer shower." I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners. [sniffs] New car.

Leslie Knope: Animal control has long been a repository for some of this government's most incompetent employees. Jerry Gergich got his start there.
All: Well.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, so our new director needs to be competent, effective, and not completely stoned all the time.
Councilman Jamm: I'm way ahead of you there, girly. I got the perfect guy. Friend of mine, bit of an alcoholic, a little grabby, either a war hero or war criminal, depending on who you ask, but a good dude.
Chris: How do you know him?
Councilman Jamm: I do his teeth. A few coffee stains up front, but his canines are insane.
Leslie Knope: Gosh, Jeremy, he sounds perfect. Are his gums great too?
Councilman Jamm: Oh, yeah. They are excellent, beet red.

Leslie Knope: I was being sarcastic. I think we should open this to the floor for more discussion.
Councilman Jamm: Uh, maybe you would like to explain this to her, please? [chuckles]
Councilman Howser: Traditionally, Leslie, the councilmen just kind of take turns on departmental appointments.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, this one is mine, then Dexhart, then you. This whole place runs on dibs.
Leslie Knope: Are you kidding me? You guys are all fine with this? Well, Milton's asleep, but the rest of you? This is how departments get mismanaged. No. We are going to be thorough. I'm going to find a candidate, and I encourage you all to do the same, and then, we will interview all of them.
Councilman Jamm: [singsong] Boring!
Leslie Knope: "Boring" is my middle name, so... my thoroughly vetted candidate is going to blow your candidate out of the water.

Andy: People who give to charity, they get amazing press.
Dennis Feinstein: Huh.
Andy: Like Bill Gates. Have you ever heard of Bill Gates? He lives in Seattle, guy with glasses. Bill Gates?
Dennis Feinstein: I know who Bill Gates is. Bill Gates is, like, a super nerd. Is this some sort of nerd thing? Are you calling me a nerd?
Tom: Uh, he meant Mark Cuban.
Dennis Feinstein: Cuban? Now, that's the kind of guy I can hang out with. Mark Cuban. I'm interested now. Keep talking.

April: Stay still.
Chris: "Don't think about how much this itches." That's very good advice.

Leslie Knope: I have to say, this is the greatest search committee ever assembled to find a new Animal Control Department head. Chris Traeger can do more with one foot than most people can do with three.
Chris: I'm not going to lie to you. I needed that.
Leslie Knope: I know. April Ludgate is beautiful...
April: Stop.
Leslie Knope: You are talented...
April: No.
Leslie Knope: But most importantly, you're passionate about animals.
April: That's true. It's because I'm half wolf.

Ben: A lot of charities waste their money on overhead, but we at the Sweetums Foundation, spend our money wisely.
Dennis Feinstein: Okay. You know what? Shut up.
Ben: All right.
Dennis Feinstein: You guys seem like pretty cool dudes and I'm feeling pretty generous, so why don't we take this conversation to the Pawnee Smokehouse? Dumb-Dumb Eddie, get the checkbook. We're going out. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, we're going out. Let's scent up!
Tom: I call dibs on "Ooze."
Andy: I got "Money Shot."
Dennis Feinstein: Yeah.
Ben: I got "Blood Spurt."
Dennis Feinstein: Ooh, no, don't use that one. Eh, go ahead.

Leslie Knope: So why do you want this job?
Jerry: Well, I love cats, and dogs sure are great.
Chris: Well, you have all the qualifications. You went to a four-year college.
Jerry: Actually, when I went there, it was just a two-year college.
Leslie Knope: Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job.
Jerry: Aw, geez.
April: You're fired. Get out.
Chris: No, no, you're not fired, but we're definitely going to have to lower your salary.
Jerry: Oh, well, fair's fair.

Mindy: I am very, very, very, very frightened of animals.
Leslie Knope: This may not be the job for you.
Mindy: I know, but my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, told me to confront my fears.
Chris: You see Dr. Richard Nygard? I'm a Nygardian too! Would you sign my cast?
Mindy: Yes, but just please don't give me this job.

Jim: The spaying and neutering tools, do you think those fit humans?
April: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Jim: And is there a lock on the spaying room door?
April: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Leslie Knope: Thank you so much for coming in.
Jim: Thanks for having me.