Dr. Harris: You've got strep throat. I'm writing you a prescription for penicillin.
Ann: We'll have the rest of your test results in about 20 minutes. Cholesterol--
Ron Swanson: Not interested. Good day.
Dr. Harris: Wish all patients were like that. It's really annoying when they ask questions.

Harris: Welcome to Animal Control. Let me show you around. Those are some chairs. That's a cat or opossum. Oh, this is a napkin where I wrote down a cool name for a dog. "Bark Obama." [laughs] Right?
Leslie Knope: Is that-- What's happening here?
Brett: Oh. Yo. Yeah. We found this bird outside. We tried to turn it into a work whistle, like in the beginning of The Flintstones. Tougher than it looked, though.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: We have a massive pest problem in this town, and it's because the Animal Control Department has been disaster... at catching animals. They're great at ingesting and selling marijuana.

Tom: Okay, pop quiz. Name the scent.
Ben: Uh, "Spasm." No, "Butter Face"!
Tom: Very good!
Ben: Yes!
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I'm trying to get more big companies to donate to the Sweetums Foundation, and Tom got us a meeting with Dennis Feinstein, Pawnee's premiere manufacturer of perfumes and cologne. [sprays cologne] Oh! Or possibly, insecticide. Whew!

Dennis Feinstein: I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I don't like charity. I don't get it. Feels to me like I'm giving money away, and getting nothing in return.
Ben: Well, that's not true. You can really help your personal brand if you show that you're a mogul that gives as much as he gets.
Dennis Feinstein: If I give as much as I get, I'm giving $20 million. Ay yi yi. [laughs] That's how much I'm worth, 20...million...dollars. [laughs]
Ben: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Ah, he's disgusting, but I want to take his money and give it to needy people, so I'm just gonna keep on smiling. Yay! [forced laugh]

Leslie Knope: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
April: Hey, give him a chance. What makes you qualified for animal control?
Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
Leslie Knope: Get out.
Orin: I made you say that.
Chris: I liked him.

Dennis Feinstein: You know, they claim that smoking is bad for you, but is there any medical evidence to back that up?
Tom: Great point.
Ben: So the Sweetums Foundation has really accomplished a lot recently. Our health care outreach program has reduced pink eye in the rural community by 30%... to 70%.

Leslie Knope: April, I got a present for you.
April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.
Leslie Knope: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
April: Really? Thanks.

Leslie Knope: April, I have a gift for you. Ta da.
Chris: At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing.
April: How did you make this plaque so quickly?
Leslie Knope: I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.
April: Can I hire an intern?
Leslie Knope: Not yet.
April: Can I hire a Mexican elf?
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Can I buy a child bride?
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Then how is this even a promotion?

Leslie Knope: This place is a miserable suck hole run by two pot-head losers. It's completely and utterly mismanaged.
Harris: Thanks!
Chris: It does seem to be very poorly run, but we've only been here for two minutes. There may be a method to their madness. There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Brett: Four. There's four ways to skin a cat. Regular blade--
Chris: [screams ) Ow! Ah! What is this?
Harris: Coyote trap, dude.
Chris: Ah! This hurts!
Brett: Yeah, we got, like, a huge vermin problem. I mean, we've been meaning to call somebody about it, but you know, nobody get on the phone.
Leslie Knope: You're the people you would be calling.
Harris: [laughs] That is so trippy.
Chris: Ow! You're fired! You're fired! The whole department is fired. Ow, this hurts! This was one of my running feet!

Tom: Dennis Feinstein belongs to a new generation of wealth: rappers, tech geniuses, X games medalists, and of course, "scent artists." The man owns a Rolexus. It's a Lexus filled with Rolexes.
Ben: What's the point of that?
Tom: To have it, which he does.