Tom: Hey, what's your problem, man?
Andy: Why did you make me apologize to him?
Ben: Guys, guys, just hold it-- hold on a sec, okay? Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick.
Dennis Feinstein: What?
Ben: Run!

Councilman Jamm: Ms. Ludgate, it is the opinion of this committee that you are terrible. Can you give me even one reason why you're the right man for this job?
April: No. But neither is your guy. Neither of us should get the job.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, no? Why is that?
April: Well, there shouldn't be a separate Animal Control Department. Its budget is tiny, and it's ineffective, and frankly, no one could change that. So I think it should be absorbed into the Parks Department.
Leslie Knope: That is a genius idea. Somebody wake up Milton. History is being made.
Councilman Milton: Iwo Jima!
April: Animal Control would be way more effective if it ran through the Parks Department, and if you want, I can write up an official report in language simple enough for even you dummies to understand, dummies.

Chris: Councilman, you have to admit that that idea makes a lot of sense.
Councilman Jamm: Hang on a second. You seem to be forgetting that I already told Vern he got the job, and he already bought a new speedboat.
Leslie Knope: Well, I hope he kept a receipt. That was a brilliant idea from a dark, tortured genius, and I move that Animal Control be absorbed into Parks and Rec.
Councilman Howser: I second that.
Leslie Knope: Yay! Look at that, April. You won over Jamm.
Councilman Jamm: Uh, no, she didn't. I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed.

Andy: What do we do now? Can I apologize again? I'm getting really at apologizing.
Tom: Screw that. You should apologize for apologizing to that guy.
Ben: God, we really could've used the money, though. Just wish we'd made a bigger impression.
Tom: You did. I was really impressed by all the stuff the foundation's done for all them poor homies, so you know what? Rent-A-Swag is gonna donate five cents from every dollar we make this month. It's not Feinstein money, but it'll help.
Ben: That's very generous, Tom. Feinstein's the worst. I hope he gets into an accident driving that Rolex Mobile.
Tom: For the last time, it's a Rolexus, and you can't drive it.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Government shouldn't operate based on personal favors. It should operate based on good ideas. April had the best idea, and today the best idea won.
Chris: Leslie, I really have to go to the bathroom.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah, right, sorry.
Chris: You don't have to come in with me.
Leslie Knope: I wasn't going to.
Chris: Could you pick up the pace a little bit?
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Donna, you took a look at all the resumes, so send in the best candidate.
Harris: Wassup? I'm Harris. I'm 33 years young. I have my cousin Jason's truck for two more weeks. I have one testicle-- whac-a-mole accident-- and I'm down to clown.
Chris: Harris, we know who you are. I literally just fired you.
Harris: [laughs] Oh, is this that job? That's crazy! Never mind.
Leslie Knope: Why would you think Harris would be the best candidate?
Donna: 'Cause he's one of only two applicants with actual experience at animal control.
Leslie Knope: Uh-ohh. Does that mean--
Brett: What up? Yo, my name is Brett. I like burgers, and also, I'm very high right now.
Harris: Dude, this is hilarious!

Harris: We live together!
Brett: Yo, we live in the same place!
Harris: This is my boy!
Brett: Hey, "Wyld Stallyns"!
April: You guys know why there are all those cops out there?
Brett: Where are the cops at?
Harris: I gotta go.
Brett: Yo.