Leslie Knope: Ron, I have a gazebo update so ignore all my previous voicemails and emails.
Ron Swanson: Uh, Leslie, I haven't relieved myself in five hours. So if you'll excuse me. [enters men's room]
Leslie Knope: Ron, I'm sorry, but this can't wait. [enters men's room] Jessica Wicks refuses--
Ron Swanson: [o.s.] Leslie, what the [bleep]?
Councilman Howser: [o.s.] Hey! Miss Knope!
Leslie Knope: [o.s.] Councilman Howser! Nice to see you again. Not that I saw anything other than your face. And I would like to talk to you a little bit about this gazebo thing. You know, the p- Okay. Okay.
Ron Swanson: Enough of this. Do whatever you want. Alert the media. Call FEMA. I don't care. Do not bother me with this again.
Councilman Howser: Miss Knope.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Howser. I saw your penis.

Ron Swanson: How we doing?
Andy: Pretty good. I may have promised a new aquatic center to somebody. Is that a problem?
Ann: I diagnosed two melanomas. They're both benign.
Ron Swanson: How many more meetings?
April: Twenty.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: I hired you to do one thing. Just one. I don't care that you text all day and sleep at your desk. In fact, I encourage it. But only because you were doing that one thing... [shouting] Keeping this crap off my desk! Give me five minutes before the next one.

Leslie Knope: Thank you for meeting me here.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Sure. What's up?
Leslie Knope: Okay, I need you to get this word for word.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: It's a tape recorder so it will.
Leslie Knope: [dramatically] Gazebo? More like "Ga-zoinks-Bo." She may be a former beauty queen, but today she's the king of destroying history.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Okay, could you just, maybe, talk normally?
Leslie Knope: Okay, fine. Ga-zoinks-Bo. Jessica Wicks is throwing a birthday party for her husband, Nick Newport, Sr., at the Turnbill Mansion tonight.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Nick Newport, Sr. is the former CEO of Sweetums.
Leslie Knope: So?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Sweetums owns the Pawnee Journal.
Leslie Knope: Crap on the cob.

Leslie Knope: Tom, stop him! Jump in front of it! Sacrifice your tiny body! Really thought that gate would open in the middle.

Leslie Knope: Sorry if I ruined your evening.
Ann: Leslie, it's totally fine.
Leslie Knope: I chained myself to a gate.
Ann: I can see that.
Mark: Are you okay?
Leslie Knope: Nothing's bruised but my ego. And my arm a little from the mechanized gate.

Andy: Thanks again for letting me take those meetings today. I've never really had a meeting before. They're awesome.
Ron Swanson: You're welcome.
Andy: Hey, have you seen April around? She usually comes by at the end of the day.
Ron Swanson: You might want to check her house. She quit on me.
Andy: What? Why?
Ron Swanson: She screwed up my entire life today.
Andy: That was one mistake. She's perfect for you. Come on. There's no one in the world who's gonna do a better job for you than April. Either you hire her back or I quit.
Ron Swanson: You don't work for me.
Andy: And I never will, sir. Good day. [resumes shining Ron's shoes]

Man: So your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "you suck" at the players.
Ron Swanson: According to the complaint, you yelled it at five-year-old girls.
Man: Who suck! Why is that so hard to understand?

Mark: Okay, so I've been a little worried that Ann maybe thinks that our relationship Isn't moving forward fast enough. And so I'm wondering if maybe I should ask her If she would like to move in with me. Good idea? Bad idea? You tell me.
Leslie Knope: Well, I would say that some women won't consider moving in with someone unless they think marriage is in the future, which I know for you is...
Mark: I intend to marry her.
Leslie Knope: For realskies?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not really quite sure how I feel. Um, I--it-- it's a little weird. I mean, I'm happy for them. They're my friends. It makes me a little nauseous. If I could just sum it up in one word, it would be, um... [gasps]
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ron Swanson: So then how many meetings do I have today?
April: 93.
Ron Swanson: [strangled groan] Okay. Okay. Well, you know what to do.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape. However, to Leslie Knope...
[cut to:]
Leslie Knope: Oh, how fun.
April: Yay.

Tom: Hold up. Former beauty queen Jessica Wicks?
Bill Haggardy: Yes.
Tom: I'm Tom Haverford. I'm gonna be running point on this, Bill.
Leslie Knope: Why didn't you try to stop her?
Bill Haggardy: Her husband is Nick Newport, Sr. from Sweetums. Everyone in this town is afraid to say no to him.
Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody just relax. What alterations is she trying to make? Drilling holes. Painting. Uh, removing wainscoting. Uh, she's tearing down the gazebo.
Leslie Knope: What? She's what? No, she's not. Okay, Tom, go get the car. [throws car]
Tom: Ow! Don't throw things at me.