Jess: $71,000?
Nick: It happened when I got my first huge Pepperwood check. Coach wanted to open up a gym and-and I wanted to help.
Jess: All right, that checks out...
Nick: Only it wasn't a gym, it was a restaurant, "Coach's Jim." J-I-M. It was a Ruth's Chris situation. They went bankrupt before they even opened. My money was gone.
Jess: What? Coach's Jim? What kind of cuisine did they serve? And who's Jim? And why did Coach own him?

Jess: Anyway, I don't need to know all of it. Let's just, let's just get back to Furguson, okay?
Nick: I can't because this feels so good getting that off my chest. I need to tell you everything.
Jess: No, I don't need to know everything.
Nick: I know, but I want to. Here's the thing... this is one that's been bogging me down for a very long time. Sometimes I wear my boxers backwards on purpose because I really like the snugness in the front, but I also really like the ventilation in the back. That's right, I'm smushed like a fat kid's nose up against the glass of a candy store window. [coughs] That felt really good to get off my chest. What else? What else? What else? What else? What else?

Aly: Sorry for the holdup. Ever since I hit my third trimester, I've been having the most intense gas cramps.

Winston: Yeah, I thought it was important to have a memorial. But you can thank Jess for everything looking so amazing. It was my vision, but she ran with it.
Jess: Well, he was a good cat, he would have done the same for me.

Schmidt: Let me ask you a question.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Schmidt: We're at my funeral. [Cece groans] "Ka-thunk" goes my coffin. Shovel dirt, shovel dirt, shovel dirt. You wipe the schmutz off your pretty black dress, and stopwatch is ticking. How long do you wait to remarry?
Cece: I don't know, three years.
Schmidt: Three years? Three year... Not even a full presidential? Your new husband would still be finding my bobby pins in couch cushions.

Cece: And even though Ferguson walked on short legs, he stood taller than any man I have ever known. [cheering and applause] Thank you.

Aly: Nothing? No? Do you remember these?
Winston: [laughs] Furguson's baby teeth. You know, I remember when he lost these all in the same day. Yeah, got into my taffy stash, he sure did.
Coach: Oh, dip, white chocolate raisins! [spits] Those are cat teeth.
Winston: Cat teeth.
Coach: [gags]
Aly: You can tell cat teeth by taste?
Coach: Yup!

Jess: Nick and I will be performing a series of rhyming couplets about our friend Furguson. [applause, whooping]
Jess: [clears throat] Furguson was a good cat, yes, indeed. [Nick is silent] Many cat lessons from his life you should heed. [Nick remains silent] With his proud lion mane and his big fluffy tail...
Nick: I mean, you think you know somebody.
Jess: He ate all his food, even if it was stale. Struttin' around with his smushed little snout. He loved playing games and he loved hiding out.
Coach: I think I still got teeth in my teeth.
Jess: Like the time that he hid in the bag we brought burgers in.
Nick: I just can't believe my girlfriend killed Furguson. [crowd gasps]
Jess: Nick.
Nick: What? Did I say it? Did I say the bad thing? I'm sorry, it just kind of came out.
Jess: [sniffles] What the man says is true. A year ago, I killed a complicated and beautiful cat named Furguson. [crowd gasps] I'm so sorry, Winston. I didn't know how to tell you.

Dunston: Let's, uh, keep this thing moving. Next up, we have, uh... uh, Robby. [applause]
Robby: Uh... Well, I was gonna do an interpretive dance as the red laser dot that Furguson loved so much, but it feels a little inappropriate in the current climate.

Jess: Oh, please let that be true. My stomach has been a brick for a year now. I had to go on probiotics.
Winston: Jess, it's true. I was with Furguson when he passed. We were in the kitchen.
Aly: Go on. Tell us. Let it out.
Winston: [sighs] So there I was, in the kitchen toasting a bagel. Furguson was on the counter, just watching. You can imagine what a human toasting a bagel must look like to a cat: pretty crazy.
Nick: Really crazy.
Winston: Yeah. So there he was, just watching me, you know. And, um... And then he got this look on his face. And then he stepped back a little. And it was in that moment that I knew something was wrong. And then he looked away, and, uh... And that was it. He was gone.
Cece: I feel like I'm living this moment.
Winston: Oh, and then the bagel was burning, so I had to throw that in the trash. [chuckles]