Jess: Hey, I'm so sorry I lied about Furguson. I just... I didn't want you to look at me differently.
Nick: Can I be honest? I think it's kind of hot that you kept that as a secret.
Jess: Really?
Nick: Yeah. Jessica Day, a murderer? Keeping murder a secret? Am I attracted to murderers?
Jess: Well, it turns out I didn't kill him, so...
Nick: But if you did, I want you to know that I'd... I'd help you bury the body. You know that, right?
Jess: Weirdly, yes, I do. I do know that.
Nick: 'Cause it could wake up, and if it did, I would just hit it over the head with a shovel and then just keep burying it in the hot desert sand.
Jess: Wait, why are we going all the way out to the desert? What's wrong with the woods?
Nick: Well, only psychos bury stuff in the woods, Jess.

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? Here's my new scenario. [Cece groans] I'm in the Merchant Marines...
Cece: Stop it. I only blurted out "three years" because I don't even want to think about you being gone. I don't know what I would do without you. I would end up dragging a lawn chair out to your grave on the Fourth of July and lighting a sparkler, and Ruth wouldn't want to come with me because she would say "Mommy, Kevin's having a party, and I don't want to go to the grave again." Okay? So I'm just alone, on a chair, and I miss you.
Schmidt: I don't want you alone at my grave. That sounds terrible. I want you to be with your new husband at my grave. I want you to find someone who's gonna take care of you, who's gonna love you as much as I do.
Cece: I just want you.
Schmidt: Well, it's too late for that. I-I'm dead.
Cece: No.
Schmidt: It's a waste of time. I might as well be at the bottom of the ocean.
Cece: Stop.
Schmidt: You have to move on.

Coach: I guess I just stopped talking to you 'cause I was embarrassed.
Nick: Embarrassed with me? You've seen me trip after a shower and rug burn my penis on a towel.
Coach: [laughing] Classic Nick.
Nick: It really burned.
Coach: It was so scabby.
Nick: Yeah.
Coach: It scabbed up like crazy.
Nick: Yes, it did.
Coach: Like a grilled shrimp.
Nick: Like grilled jumbo shrimp.
Coach: Eh.

Winston: I can hear him. Don't worry, cat. I'm coming to save you.
Aly: Winston, Winston! Stop it. Babe. Babe, sit down, sit down. Winston. Baby, I love you, but these meows are in your head. Okay? It's because you haven't cried over Furguson yet, and not letting yourself have a good cry has made you a little doy-doy. You know... [strumming lips] It's made you really dumb and stupid, and you're not those things. Now is the time to let it all out. Right now, Winston. You don't have to try to be strong for me.
Winston: [crying]
Aly: Wow, those sinuses swelled up fast.
Winston: [screaming] My cat, my cat, my cat. You know, it didn't hit me at first, and then, by the time that it did, you were already pregnant, and I just wanted to be... I wanted to be the rock for this family.
Aly: Baby, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I'm the rock in this family.
Winston: Yeah, but if you're the rock, then what am I?
Aly: You're the beautiful flower sprouting out from the rock.
Winston: I like flowers, so...
Aly: I know you do, buddy.

Winston: I think I'm gonna name him... NAFTA.
All: Aw!
Coach: I don't like it.
Woman: His name's actually Mitzi.
All: NAFTA! [laughter]
Winston: Meow! Meow!

Schmidt: Truly insane, this whole thing.

Cece: You know, I can't believe it's been a year. I mean, Winston's handled this really well.
Aly: Too well. He hasn't cried once.
Schmidt: He hasn't had the cry yet?
Aly: If he doesn't have the cry today, I'm worried he's gonna have a full mental breakdown.

Coach: Maybe after you're finished with all this, we can go get you a replacement cat to replace, um... What's, uh, what's his name? Um...
Nick: Cat's name is Furguson, you friggin' jackass.
Jess: Hey, that was so not under your breath.
Nick: Oh, sorry, I didn't mean for him to hear.

Winston: Anyway, you know, Furguson was the only cat for me. I'd adopt one of those Peruvian kids for 70 cents a day before I adopt another cat. [laughter]
Aly: I think there's a world in which you can do both. Those-those kids need food.

Cece: And why rule out another cat? Furguson's not always gonna seem irreplaceable. I mean, it's already been a year.
Schmidt: Uh, a year? Is a year a long time to you? How long would you wait before you replaced me if I died?
Cece: Okay, this seems like a "on the ride home" kind of conversation. I am not gonna get into this.
Schmidt: 'Scuse me, I'm gonna get into this.