Schmidt: Listen, I've been researching on the Internet for the past 12 hours everything there is to know about the wood. Now I'm a... I'm a master camper. So if you need any help with anything, just come to me and ask, okay?
Coach: [chuckles] Thanks, man. I don't know anything about the wood.
Schmidt: I know everything.
Coach: I'm lost. What is that, a tree?
Schmidt: If these trees were skyscrapers, you'd feel very comfortable.
Coach: Yeah. I'd be right at home. Unfortunately, they're actual trees.
Schmidt: [chuckling] Yeah. You're the best.
Coach: I love the hat!

Nick: I don't think we should start eating poo yet, Schmidt. Let's wait on that.
Coach: You want to chase that with some dirt?
Schmidt: Does anyone have any gum?
Coach: No.
Schmidt: Not that I wanted any in the first place.

Schmidt: Let me explain something to you, Nick. When you're building a trap, you want to customize it to your prey. So, I don't know, if was trying to catch, say a squirrel, I'd want think like a squirrel. Allow me to demonstrate with this trap that I built.
Coach: How do you get into the mindset of a squirrel?
Schmidt: [clicking tongue] I'm a squirrel right?
Coach: You do that really well.
Schmidt: [gets under the trap] Look at this! Oh, there's some nuts here. Look at all these little nuts.
Coach: You might not want to do that.
Schmidt: If I needed your advice on how to lead a spinning class, I'd ask you, but this is my territory [rock falls] [Schmidt yells] My scapula!

Coach: I was an Eagle Scout.
Schmidt: What are you talking about, you were an Eagle Scout?
Coach: Look.
Schmidt: That's actually really good.
Coach: I'm sorry, dude. You wanted to be the best at camping. You were so excited about your hat. I didn't want to get in the way of that. Plus with the whole Cece thing or whatever.
Schmidt: What are talking about? [takes off sling] You're gonna let me be the best camper. I am the best camper!
Coach: Yeah.

Jess: I think this is chicory. It says you can eat the root. Or it's jasmine. Which will kill you. Hmm. What do you guys think?
Cece: I'm sure it's fine.
Winston: Yeah, just eat it.

Winston: There's a country store not far from here. Three and a half stars. The reviews say, "It's functional and dusty." Sounds good to me.

Nick: Look at that fish. It's perfect.
Coach: What?
Nick: Oh, I'm gonna grab it. I'm so hungry. Now we get to eat, boys.
Coach: Dude, that looks dead.
Nick: Guys, stop being negative right now.
Coach: Laying on its side means it's dead.
Schmidt: I wouldn't get in that water, man.
Coach: You're gonna get beaver fever.
Nick: Where are my testicles now, Coach?

Nick: Come on, you think the three of us are true dumb-asses? We're not.
Schmidt: I kind of knew from the beginning. I mean, there's no way.
Nick: You just went to a store and got all this?
Coach: I think so.
Schmidt: I think they definitely bought everything from the store.

Winston: Come on, Nick! These avocados were expensive!

Nick: It smells so good. I can't wait till it's ready. I'm gonna be so stuffed. Ooh! The eyeball fell off. That's how you know it's good. They got to pop out when it's ready, I think.