Jess: I just want to see more carpet samples before I make a final decision.

Jess: There are dogs that have dollar signs but don't even own banks.

Schmidt: Look, I admit it. You're a better camper than I am. You're better at life than I am. You're probably better at dating Cece than I am. I saw you guys the other night inhaling each other in front of the loft.
Coach: Schmidt, that's all we did. That was it. I asked her to come upstairs, she said no, okay? And now she won't return any of my text messages. She's been ignoring me this whole trip. I'm all, like, "Hey." She's like, "Mm-hmm." I'm like, "What?" Why are you smiling, dude?
Schmidt: I'm not smiling.
Coach: I'm over here baring my soul to you, dude, and you're freaking smiling in my face.
Schmidt: Yeah. This is the face I make when I listen.
Coach: All your teeth show when you listen?
Schmidt: I'm not.
Coach: You're smiling right now. I opened up to you. You're pissing me off. Stop smiling.

Jess: Thanks for saving me, mountain man.
Nick: So I've got good news from the doctor: you don't have rabies.
Jess: Oh.
Nick: You have, uh, giardia and something called Legionnaires' disease. I'm just glad they were able to save your foot.
Jess: What?
Nick: No, nothing. Never mind.

Coach: Nick! We need to talk.
Nick: Winston stays. End of discussion.
Coach: No, dude. I got your Thanksgiving invitation. Did you make this?
Nick: Absolutely not.
[flashback:]
Nick: [to Jess] He's announcing Thanksgiving! With his little trumpet, he's announcing the feast! It's so funny [laughing] We should name that little guy Roger.

Coach: When your testicles fell off, did you form lady parts, or is it kind of like a Gonzo nose down there?
Nick: It's really interesting.
Coach: Yeah.
Nick: You see, the thing is, my testicles haven't fallen off...
Coach: Right.
Nick: it's just the morning. And my testicles do this really unique thing of burrowing when it's cold out. You're burning me.

Nick: I could not be more sorry for you, but that's not my story.
Coach: Stand up.
Nick: Stand up?
Coach: Yeah.
Nick: Okay.
Coach: Are those Jessica's pajama bottoms?
Nick: It's, uh football player pants for, uh, br-breast cancer awareness. I like the way that they hug my gronk.

Nick: This Thanksgiving, I want to honor the traditions of our forefathers. The mighty Pilgrims and Native Americans who came together in order to survive.
Schmidt: Sure, yeah. The first chapter in a proud history of cooperation.
Nick: It'll be the ultimate test of manhood and our survival skills.
Jess: It will?

Winston: How's this for a test of our manhood? We stay at home, we drink beer, we watch football. Manhood.
Schmidt: I like that idea.
Nick: Winston, I'm talking about real men.
Winston: Me, too.
Nick: Men who fend for themselves.
Winston: You're the laziest man I know. Okay, Jess, be honest with me. Has he ever been on top?
Nick: Real men are on the bottom.
Winston: No, they're not. [laughing]
Nick: You're on the bottom.

Schmidt: Hey, I never had a chance to ask you. How did the, um... How'd your guys' date go the other night?
Coach: Oh, with Cece?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Coach: Uh it was... I loved it. I mean, it was good. It was cool.
Schmidt: That's great. Super.
Coach: Super-duper.
Schmidt: So where you thinking about pitching, uh, pitching a tent?
Coach: Thinking over there.
Schmidt: Oh, yonder? Yeah, sure.
Coach: Yeah. Yonder.