Jess: I am so sorry. I'm really... I'm-I'm embarrassed.
Diane: Please, for what?
Jess: No, I am.
Diane: For marking your territory? Look, I get it.
Jess: But I was acting childish and dumb and jealous, and-and I... I see why Sam likes you.
Diane: Well, I see why he likes you, too.
Jess: Will you forgive me? I have guy friends, and I don't know why I would just assume that you're wildly in love with him.
Diane: Oh, no, I am. [Jess laughs] No, really, I am. [Jess laughs] Seriously, I am. [Jess laughs] Jess, I'm-I'm in love with Sam.
Jess: [whispers] Oh, balls.

Jess: You didn't tell him for ten years?
Diane: I did. Well, I tried to. Um, our second year of med school, he went to work with Doctors Without Borders. Well, so I didn't, I didn't know when I was gonna see him again, and, um, one night, I-I just sat down and wrote him a letter. [Jess gasps] And everything came out, you know, everything that I was feeling, everything that I had been holding back.
Jess: Yeah. I love letters.
Diane: I know, me too.
Jess: We have so much in common. Arguably too much.
Diane: Mm.
Jess: But keep going.

Diane: Well... Sam never responded. [Jess scoffs] I just figured he didn't want to embarrass me, you know? I mean, I-it's hard when you're friends with a guy first. So... he came home, and we just kept on like normal, and it was really painful, but I-I couldn't lose him as a friend.
Jess: Of course you couldn't.
Diane: Then... last week, this came in the mail. [Jess gasps] "Return to sender." He never got it.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Diane: Yeah.
Jess: He never knew how you felt.
Diane: No, and I-I came here tonight to give him this letter and then...
Jess: What happened?
Diane: I met you.
Jess: Oh, right. Me.
Diane: Here. I can't throw it away, but I can't give it to him. Don't worry, Jess, you... you didn't do anything wrong. I'm not the one for Sam. You are.
Jess: I'm gonna be really honest. Um, I'm having a-a very hard time rooting for myself right now.

Cece: Just because you give Sam this letter, it does not mean that he's automatically gonna choose Diane.
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Yeah. [scoffs] Damn it. Look at them.
["Moon River" plays]
Cece: This song isn't even on our jukebox.

Schmidt: I made a model of our wedding venue.
Nick: Wow.
Schmidt: Your wine is so good, I really want to showcase it and-and put the bar here. It's where they store the drums of wild chemicals, but I'm pretty sure they're empty now.
Nick: Yeah, it's empty except for the big puddle that never dries.
Gavin: Oh, it'll be fine. With your mother there, that puddle will get drunk.

Sam: I'm getting my birthday present at an airport hotel? Oh, my God, are you taking me on a trip to meet my birth mother?
Jess: Oh. No, wait. [laughs] Um, no. Uh, it's, uh... I have a surprise for you, but it's not exactly a present. Um, just wait here.
Sam: Okay.
Jess: Look, I want you to know that no matter what happens, no-no matter how this turns out... and by "this," you'll-you'll see what I'm talking about... I want you to be happy.
Sam: And I want you to be happy. But what did you want me to be before this moment?
Jess: Don't let me get a ticket, okay?

Diane: Jess?
Jess: Tell Sam. He-he deserves to know how you feel.
Diane: Wow, you are either really cool or really cocky.
Jess: You are either really cool or really cocky.
Diane: Thank you.
[After Diane closes the door, Jess knocks again]
Jess: I should've been more clear. He's downstairs.

Waiter: I just want to let you know, my shift is up, so Jason will be getting bummed out by you for the rest of the night.
Nick: Somebody order a milkshake, cowboy?
Schmidt: Well, Nick, you were right. I got sucked in. He was a car wash vacuum, and I was just a stray pistachio.
Nick: Listen, Schmidt, it's my fault. I got real with him and he split.
Schmidt: It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. And, Nick?
Nick: Yeah?
Schmidt: Thank you.
Nick: Thanks for what?
Schmidt: For being there.

Schmidt: [emotional sigh]
Nick: What are you doing right now? [groans loudly]
Schmidt: Yeah, man.
Nick: I like red meat.
Schmidt: Yeah, yeah, no, beef.
Nick: Sexy ladies.
Schmidt: Boobs.
Nick: Moobs.
Schmidt: B-Boobs.
Nick: Big boobs.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: Let's get out of here.

Gavin: Oh, don't, don't, don't! Wait! Wait, guys, wait. I know I should have been here an hour ago, but I was at the warehouse getting your security deposit back.
Schmidt: Why would you...
Gavin: Let me finish, trust me. That slumlord wouldn't give it to me unless I cleaned the place, and once I started... I don't know if you know, but I'm a little OCD.
Schmidt: Me, too.
Gavin: Yeah, it runs in the family. Your grandfather had to touch every lamppost he passed. He couldn't hold a job. Until he got a job as a lamppost repair man.
Schmidt: Why wouldn't you just call?
Gavin: Oh, I got kicked in the back of the head by some kids who were using that dump as a place to practice their urban dancing. They-they were honestly pretty good, until they beat me and took my phone. And my wallet and my watch. I had to run over here... well, actually it was... it was more of a... a walk-jog. I threw up once. I'm not very good at doing the right thing when it comes to you. But I wanted to start tonight. You are not getting married at that slaughterhouse.
Schmidt: Okay, well, then where am I getting married?
Gavin: At my vineyard. If you want. It'll be beautiful. I talked to Cece. She said it's up to you. I just want you to know, either way, I'm all in from here on out.
Schmidt: We're getting married at a vineyard.