Winston: Cece, you want to know what I think?
Cece: Mm, not really.
Winston: I think there are people who get bird shirts, and there are people who don't. Jessica Day needs to be with a bird shirt person.
Cece: Am I a bird shirt person?
Winston: Oh, Cece, why do you always have to make things about you?

Jess: You know what, one of these days, I'm gonna get you to laugh with your mouth open.
Sam: I know you will.
Jess: That's what she said.
Sam: No, that's not gonna do it.
Jess: That's what she said.
Sam: You just said the same thing.
Jess: [Italian accent] Now that's what she said.
Sam: That's... What accent is that?
Jess: It's Italian.
Sam: Oh, really?
Jess: That's what she said!
Sam: Nope, that didn't do it, either.
Jess: That's what she said.
Sam: Now you're just changing the stress.
Jess: That's what she said?
Sam: Maybe you should stop. [Jess laughs]
Jess: That's what she said. Ooh.
Sam: Ooh. That was closer.

Jess: That was the most romantic story I've ever heard. And I don't want to get between them. Or do I? I love Sam, and I don't want to throw it all away because she couldn't figure out how to buy a Forever stamp.

Cece: Here we go.
Jess: Peter. That's Sam's favorite male nurse. He's gotten him two years in a row for secret Santa, and last year, he got him $500, and this year, he got him crayons. All over the map, that Peter.
Cece: So, when you get to Sam's birthday party, is the goal to impress his friends with how much you know about them or to terrify them?
Jess: I just want them to like me. Finally, I feel like I'm in an adult relationship. He's a grown-up.

Schmidt: Sam, I'm so sorry I won't be able to attend your party. I have wedding stuff.
Nick: "Stuff"? Define "stuff."
Schmidt: Things.
Nick: Thank you.

Schmidt: What are you doing here? I thought you'd be at Sam's party.
Nick: What's he doing here?
Schmidt: Well, after the incident where my dad kissed... [heaving]
Nick: If you're gonna barf, just barf. It's not healthy to hold it in.
Schmidt: Where my dad kissed Jess, there was an accidental pocket dial that actually went pretty well. He suggested some wine tasting for the wedding, and I said, "Why not?"
Nick: You're just gonna drink alone with your dad?
Gavin: Join us, Nick, the Pinot from my vineyard is dynamite this year. It's gonna taste fantastic at my son's wedding in a factory.
Nick: Gavin, it's actually a slaughterhouse, and you would know that if you were around more.

Nick: He shows you a great time, you get sucked in, then he disappears and breaks your heart, and I'm left to pick up the pieces.
[flashback to college:]
Younger Schmidt: My dad's taking me to... Miss Saigon tonight! And I'm not gonna get hurt.
[flashback to a little later:]
Younger Schmidt: My dad never showed up.
Younger Nick: He didn't?
Younger Schmidt: It hurts so bad!
Younger Nick: You want a milkshake, cowboy? [Schmidt nods]

Schmidt: It's different now.
Nick: I've heard that before.
[flashback to the loft:]
Younger Schmidt: We're seeing Jersey Boys!
Younger Nick: Wait, this is your dad we're talking about!
Younger Schmidt: And he's different now, Nick.
[flashback to a little later:]
Younger Schmidt: [crying] He's the same!
Younger Nick: I didn't have ice cream, so I just really shook up some milk.

Winston: So, Sam said he spilled on the bird shirt and he had to take it off. He's putting on a brave face, but, poor thing, I know he is just crushed.
Cece: Babe.
Winston: What, babe?
Cece: He doesn't like the shirt.
Winston: No, babe.
Cece: Yeah, babe.
Winston: No, babe.
Cece: Yeah, babe.
Winston: No... babe.
Cece: Yeah... babe.
Winston: No, babe.
Cece: Yeah, babe.
Winston: No... babe.
Cece: Yeah... babe.
Winston: No.
Cece: Yeah.
Winston: Babe.

Diane: Sam, do you remember in med school when we got drunk and sewed fins on that dead guy? [both laugh]
Sam: We made a merman!
Jess: Hey, Sam, remember the other night when you ate all that bad crab and, uh, you said, "Not tonight," and I said, "Yeah, tonight," and then you said, "No, not tonight," and then the next night, when you were feeling better, remember what we did?
Sam: We... we had sex?
Jess: Had sex! [laughs] The kind where you need a snack after. Hey-o!