Winston: Hello, Mr. Napoli.
Joe Napoli: If you're as bad an assistant as you were a point guard, I'll eat you.
Winston: You know, I know you, Winston Bishop, okay? Sub-par collegiate career, went to Latvia, 9% from the European/Women's 3-point line?
Winston: Okay, just...
Joe Napoli: Now you wind up in my lap. Well, I'm the luckiest girl in school. Hey, come on in, big guy. I want you to meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.
Winston: Hey, first of all, I've not agreed to do it...
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Welcome to the team, Winston. Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you.
Winston: I'm in. I'll do it. Um... So nice to meet you, Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Can I sit on your shoulders?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Sure!
Winston: Really?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.

Nick: Russell, hey. I could show you around. I could show you our world. Way up here, it's crystal-clear.
Jess: Nick, you're doing Aladdin.
Nick: Again? Do you like cheeses, Russell?
Jess: What? That's... Nick, come on.
Nick: It's for Russell.

Russell: So you really just call these "ethnic noodles"?
Jess: No, actually, I don't know. The only English writing on the box is, "Find water. Grow hot. Family celebrate plus." [chuckles] That guy.

Jess: Nick, stop staring.
Nick: I'm not... what? Schmidt's being really weird, too.
Schmidt: So I told you and Jess to go get some sushi at Asakune, but I hear you hara-kiri'd that one.
Russell: Well, I know the chef at Namuda.
Schmidt: Oh, oh. Namuda? Maybe "My First Sushi." Baby wants a tempura California roll. Little Russell wants... Little Wussell wants an avocwado roll!
Jess: Schmidt!

Jess: Nick, don't eat his noodles.
Nick: Yeah, but we're bowl brothers, now.
Jess: No, you're not.

Winston: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna punch him in his rich, old white dude face. [to Russell] Not you. Joe Napoli.
Jess: So I guess you didn't get the job?
Winston: No, I got the job. And that's the problem.
[flashback:]
Joe Napoli: I want six shakes in my fridge at all times, ready to go. And I want it Beyoncé-colored. Not darker, not lighter. Beyoncé! [dumps milkshake on Winston's desk] Clean your damn desk!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: [whispering] Don't let him see you cry.

Russell: You guys, my contractor knows a really great plumber.
Schmidt: Please. I know the best plumbers in the business.
Winston: [scoffs] White guy knows a plumber.
Jess: Sorry. Plumbing's, like, a really sensitive topic around here.
Russell: I-I didn't know.
Jess: I mean, who would?

Jess: So it's 50% drinking game, 50% life-size Candyland.
Schmidt: Well, it's more like 75 drinking, 20 Candyland, and by the way, the floor is molten lava.
Winston: It's actually 90% drinking, and it's got a loose Candyland-like structure to it.
Jess: Well, with steaks.

Jess: What? You don't want to be on my team?
Russell: Well, I just copied you. You haven't given me any information yet.
Jess: Oh, okay. So it starts off there are four zones. An alternate zone is a crazy zone.
Winston: And there's a trail of chairs. But the floor is lava.
Jess: These are the pawns. They're the soldiers of the secret order. This is the king of the castle.
Winston: And remember, everything you hear in True American is a lie, knock on wood.
Jess: And it starts with a shotgun tip-off, okay?
Russell: Oh, that I can do. Shotgun, for sure. [punctures a beer can and starts drinking] Yeah, there's no going back now.

Winston: Russell, you're kind of ripped up, huh?
Russell: Well, I used to work summers in a lumber camp near Banff, and I still split my own wood.