Winston: You sure you don't want to swing?
Elvin: Nah. Pushing's where the action is.
Winston: [chuckles] Elvin, listen, buddy. I think we should talk. You know I'm not going to be here forever, right?
Elvin: I know about death, Winston. I know there's no farm where dogs and grandpas go.
Winston: What? No. It's just that I'm an adult. It's time for me to get an adult job with adult people. You understand, right?
Elvin: [nods] Maybe we should get to work on your resume because yours is terrible. It's 2012, Winston. Typing is not a special skill.

Nick: Russell, my man, it seems these days there's an app for everything.
Schmidt: Doesn't it, though?
Nick: Yeah, but there isn't. Let's say I'm out and about, you know, being mobile, and I want to cut a bagel, cobble a shoe.
Schmidt: Haberdash on the fly.
Nick: Is there an app for that?
Jess: No.
Schmidt: Is there?
Nick: Until now.
Schmidt: Right.
Nick: We now present to you...
Both: Real Apps!
Nick: The prototype.

Russell: Hey, this is... really good. I mean, I gotta tell you, I'm really, um...
Jess: Happy.
Russell: Happy. It's like the complete opposite of my marriage.
Jess: I'll give you the opposite of your marriage.
Russell: [chuckles] What?
Jess: Sorry, I just... I've never heard you talk about your ex-wife, and I got really nervous and... I tried to flirt information out of you.

Jess: So... I haven't been home in a week, and, um... underneath my dress, I'm wearing... a pair of your boxer briefs that I borrowed/stole/I'm not giving them back.
Russell: Come on. Let's go. Go to my house right now.
Jess: Well, I have to go to my home for a bit.
Russell: No, no, come on. Come on. Stay with me.
Jess: No, I'm worried about the guys. They must really be missing me and wondering where I am.

Jess: I have so much to tell you. I spent the whole week with rich people. I finally tried port.
Nick: Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet?
Jess: I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long. You all look so handsome, so grown-up.
Winston: Thank you.
Jess: Hey, Nick. I finally notice the one-eighth Cherokee. Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Winston: Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.
Schmidt: How was your sexcation with Russell?
Jess: I did have a lot of sex. Thank you.

Jess: [on the phone] Hey, you! Tell me everything. How's it going? Where are you?
Cece: With Schmidt. Where are you?
Jess: Right here. Wow. I am not used to this yet.
Schmidt: I'm surprised this one's still standing. We burned through a lot of ideas last night.
Jess: That's really great.
Schmidt: We went deep into the stables...
Jess: Yeah. Cool.

Jess: I don't know. It's like we're living in a romantic comedy montage. Like, we, like, throw our heads back when we laugh, and I, like, try on floppy hats for him. It's pretty perfect. It's like the first act of a TV movie until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.
Cece: Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right? You're kind of doing everything on his terms, living in his beautiful, fancy house...
Jess: I'm not really living there.
Cece: Has he ever spent a night here?

Nick: Quick question. Russell's such a visionary, would it be okay if I took him through my Idea Notebook?
Jess: Nope, not at all.
Nick: Maybe I won't take him through the whole notebook...
Jess: Or how about none of it?
Nick: But I have one that I'm really excited about called Real Apps, that I know Russell would be interested in.
Jess: No.

Schmidt: Nick, Real Apps is my idea.
Nick: Real Apps is not your idea.
Schmidt: Yeah, sure, you might have birthed the idea, but I midwifed it, and I midwifed the crap out of it. It was a messy birth.
Nick: You just thought of the name!
Schmidt: The name is everything. The name is the name of the game. The game is... is the name. The game is the name.
Nick: The product is the game.

Interviewer: And you're familiar with the show?
Winston: Yes, I am. I've been listening for years.
Interviewer: What do you think of Mr. Napoli?
Winston: He's actually like an idol of mine.
Joe Napoli: [from the studio] Be honest, jackass!
Interviewer: Would you consider yourself an undercover cop?
Winston: Huh?
Interviewer: Seriously. Are you a cop? You have to tell me.
Winston: No!
Interviewer: How far can you drag an unconscious man?
Winston: I don't know. I never really tried to...