Schmidt: He's wearing skinny jeans. They fit him like sweatpants.

Jess: Thinking of asking this lovely lady on a second date?
Matt: No diggity, no doubt. We can go speaker shopping, drink some sko ros, if that's where the rhythm takes us...
Jess: Um, unfortunately, I will be out of town for the next month.
Matt: Oh, for trues?
Jess: Yeah, for trues.

Cece: Hello. This drink is for you, from those gentlemen over there.
Schmidt: You the man.
Matt: Skol! Do you know those bros?
Jess: Nope.
Jess: Anyway, I'm gonna be out of town for a month, but, uh, we can go out on another date, perhaps when I'm back. Technically, our, um, one-month anniversary.
Nick: Jess, you're not going away for a month. She keeps forgetting that that got canceled. You're available.
Jess: No, but you keep forgetting it was rescheduled. You weren't on the e-mail.
Nick: Okay. That doesn't sound for trues.
Jess: For true.

Matt: It's because of my micropenis.
Jess: No! I looked it up and I-I actually feel like I could make that work. Um... No, it's... Don't take this the wrong way, but... It's actually your personality and everything about you.
Matt: You think I'm a douche bag.
Jess: You said that you thought street art was the closest thing to an education homeless people would ever get.
Matt: Okay.
Jess: And I when I asked you, "is that a joke?" You said...
Matt: Your mom is a joke.
Jess: Yeah. You said, "your mom is a joke." Right? That's kind of a douchey response.
Matt: I'm really sorry. I mean, I've been made fun of my entire life... in school, in locker rooms... so, yeah, I can be a douche bag sometimes. But I'm this way... because of my micropenis. Later.

Winston: No, no, no, no, no. We don't want to see you guys pitted against each other.
Cece: Mm-mm.
Schmidt: P-pitted against each other?
Coach: Pit...? What are you talking about?
Schmidt: I think, you know...
Coach: I'm more runway.He's more...
Schmidt: Yeah, I feel like I'm more catalog, high fashion.
Coach: Catalog, back of the mag.
Schmidt: You're t... you're too big for high fashion.
Cece: Also, my agent really loves piggyback shots, so...
Schmidt: We should piggyback.
Coach: We'll piggyback right now.

Nick: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Hey.
Nick: I know you're bummed and so I hate to do this, but I want to look at porn and you owe me a year's worth.
Jess: Yeah, okay. You know what? You earned this porn. And the VIP pass. And the "Kitty Room Live Cam Experience." Do you really need all of this?
Nick: Just click the boxes.

Jess: Matt was right. I am shallow. It's like I jumped to a conclusion about him, but I didn't have the whole story. I thought I was better than you guys. But I'm a superficial size queen.

Jess: Guys, stop attacking each other! Come on. He's making fun of you 'cause he feels sensitive about his geisha waist. And you're putting him down 'cause you've got those cute little kitten teats. Everybody has something.
Schmidt: She's right, you know. She's right. Look, I grew up fat, and I have scars that you can't see. And I'm not talking about the stretch marks that I had removed by laser beams. No matter how many miles I run, I'll never outrun that feeling.
Coach: Damn, son. I didn't even know it was like that.
Schmidt: It'll always be like that, my man.
Coach: Still better than having a micro penis.
Schmidt: So much better.
Coach: Yeah.
Nick: It's true.

Jess: Guys! We're all covered in micro penises.
Nick: No, I'm not.
Schmidt: Come again? I don't want to be covered in anything.
Coach: No, thank you. No, it's not true.
Jess: Yes! Yes! No! We all have flaws! We're all freaks! All of us. We have to support each other! I knew it! I am better than you guys. Thank you for helping me realize that.

Jess: I know now why I was superficial. It's because I was scared.
Matt: Of my micro...
Jess: No. No! Of mine.
Matt: What?!
Jess: I'm saying that we should all celebrate our flaws! Together! I'm saying that... The one day I wear jeans. I'm saying, look. We're exactly the same.
Matt: I'm sorry, what-what am I looking at?
Jess: This monstrosity the doctors call a knee that I didn't know was a problem till, like, three days ago.
Woman: What the hell is this?!
Jess: You have a girlfriend?
Woman: He did! [kicks in a painting]
Matt: Whoa, whoa... How can... no, no, no! How dare you! That's war question mark! How dare you don't answer me!
Jess: Think I should go.
Matt: You owe me $12,000!