Jess: Ugh. I'm so sorry, I know I don't know you, I know this is your booth, but, uh, my friends are really pissing me off. I'm just gonna sit here for like... [looks up] five minutes. Or maybe ten. 15 to 20 at the most. Probably an hour. They're super annoying to me.
Matt: Okay. Why are you mad at your friends?
Jess: They're so shallow. They're like... They say that they have a boob shape preference, but when the chips are down, they'll take anything.
Matt: So would it be bad if I told you that I think you're hot?
Jess: Shut your gross, beautiful face. No, I'd love it. Thank you.

Jess: Should I put my number in your phone or...
Matt: Yeah, that's... that works.
Jess: Great.
Matt: Works for me. But, you know, while-while we're on the subject of stupid physical stuff, you know, I should probably tell you before we go out, uh...
Jess: Mm-hmm?
Matt: I have a micropenis.
Jess: Cool. What?
Matt: It's a medical condition... it means I'm unusually small. Technically, "micro."
Jess: Well... Lucky for you... My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I don't know... what that means. but I'm free tomorrow night.

Coach: It's an actual medical condition. Here's a web page all about it.
Nick: I don't know what I'm looking at. Where is the...
Coach: It's right there. I think. Yeah.
Nick: No.
Schmidt: It's like a single tent in a... A vast, dark forest.
Coach: It's like the letter "I" floating around in a bowl of alphabet soup.
Winston: Oh, that's awesome... an anteater's being born.
Nick: Winston, it's a micropenis, bro.
Winston: That's a grown man? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God.

Jess: If I date him a month, then you will donate 500 bucks to the National Organization for Women's Love Your Body Campaign. And if you win, I will get you a subscription to the porn site of your choosing.
Nick: Really?
Jess: Yeah.
Winston: Nubile Nubian Butts.
Coach: We know, dude.
Schmidt: Shut up, Winston.
Nick: We're gonna go with Ass Chat.
Jess: Ass Chat? Come on, what is that... two butts talking to each other?
Nick: It's not butts talking to each other.
Schmidt: No, it's all a lot categories.

Jess: I'd like you to realize, someday, that a nice, sweet guy who just happens to have a lil' squeaker is just as attractive as a guy with a blue-ribbon hog that's ready for market.
Nick: Honey, if you have a blue-ribbon hog, you don't take it to the market, you breed that pig.
Winston: 'Cause what's he gonna do at the market?
Jess: Shut up, Nick.
Winston: You know what I mean?
Nick: Winston, honestly...
Jess: I'm sure the national organization of women will look forward to your donation.
Nick: Hey, boys, why don't you push heavy up?
Coach: Get 'em, heavy.
Nick: [shakes Jess's hand] We got us a bet.

Matt: So now I was like screw it grandma. I'm-a become a street artist, yo. I mean, most people see a wall and they just see a wall. I look at a wall and I see, like... a goat in a backpack.
Jess: Right.
Matt: Like, a ninja handing out cheeseburgers.
Jess: Whoa.
Matt: A chill alien, you know?
Jess: Well, who doesn't see a chill alien? That's my question.

Matt: Lot of people. Lot of people. It's sad. You have any tattoos?
Jess: No.
Matt: I got seven.
Jess: Oh, good.
Matt: Check it.
Jess: Okay.
Matt: Custom font. I invented that font.
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Matt: Star.
Jess: I have a question... do you know of a web site called "Ass Chat" and do you know if it's socially conscious?
Matt: Just based off the name, I'd say, probably, yeah.

Winston: Let me ask you something, guys. Have you ever considered modeling? Now, that would be a great way to share your beauty with the world.
Coach: That's crazy.
Schmidt: What? Winston, we're grown men with real jobs.
Cece: Modeling is a real job and, trust me, neither one of you could do it.
Schmidt: What? Give me a break, CeCe. I could model in my sleep.
Winston: Modeling is exactly what these two should be doing. I bet they would take some amazing pictures. A drunk baby with a phone in its mouth couldn't take a bad picture of you two.

Jess: Nick, um, uh, I need out of the bet. Yeah. No, seriously, 'cause, um, he's coming out of the bathroom soon, and, um, he's actually... He's the worst.
Nick: So the date's not going well.
Jess: I know what you're thinking. It's not 'cause of the thing. First of all, he's a street artist. Second of all... he called a scotch on the rocks a sko ro.
Nick: Ooh, that hurts.
Jess: I can't date him for a month... like, I can't even spend, like, five minutes with him.
Nick: Right. I get it.
Jess: So you have to let me out of the bet, please.
Nick: You're saying a lot of words, but all I'm hearing is, "he's too small."
Jess: No. It's not because of that. He has a... He has a tattoo that just says "Warrior Poet."
Nick: Sounds to me like you're being pretty shallow, Jess.
Jess: No. He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip-hop mouse.

Nick: What's up, man?
Matt: Do you mind if I graffiti your bathroom? I want to paint a skylight on the floor that looks into hell.
Nick: Oh... no, that's okay. I'd prefer if you didn't.
Matt: Are you sure?
Nick: I'm positive.
Matt: Okay.
Nick: Yeah.