Matt: Wait, wait... Jess, I can explain.
Jess: Okay, why are you not running after your girlfriend right now?
Matt: Aah, if I'm being totally honest, she was getting a little fat.
Jess: No, she was... that's crazy!
Matt: I wouldn't behave like this if someone, just once... Just once, took the time to get to know...
Jess: You're not even crying! You are unbelievable! Is anything about you real? Anything? Do you even have a micro penis, or is that...? [Matt flashes her] It... it... looks like a... little tiny... pigeon's egg.
Matt: Don't you want to hatch the bird?
Jess: No, I definitely, definitely do not. You're... you're a very complicated person. Um... But I'm glad I met you. Sort of. I mean, I don't know why, but... I kind of am. Anyway, take care of that little rug-rat. He needs you.

Schmidt: I'm just looking over some of the pics from today. I don't know which one to send to the agent. I've narrowed it down to 60.
Coach: I can take a look at 'em.
Schmidt: Yeah, okay. Just tell me what you think about a couple of these. I just, I don't know what's what at this point. This "hot guy with a kidnapped son..."
Coach: Wow. He really looks like he's never gonna find his son.
Schmidt: "Classical guitarist loses a shoe."
Coach: That guy's never gonna find his shoe.
Schmidt: I don't know. This is "cuddles with tigers."
Coach: Oh-ho. It's good.
Schmidt: This is "how did I get up here?" What do you think about this one? "Kiss the cook." See, I like "kiss the cook." It's catalog.
Coach: His lips are popping.
Schmidt: There's an accessibility with this one that I feel like...

Coach: Schmidt, relax. I'm bowing out. I want you to have this.
Schmidt: Come on. What?! Why are you doing that, coach?
Coach: Because you obviously need this more than I do. When you look in the mirror, you see a fat kid. I don't. I don't know how that feels.
Schmidt: I do. It's my micro-p, yo.
Coach: If there's anything that could finally help you get over your body image issues, it's modeling.
Schmidt: That's for sure.

Winston: Now, look, okay, look, we got a little carried away, but how are we supposed to know he was gonna get emotionally invested?
Coach: This will destroy him. You know that, right? You two got to make him a model.
Cece: I did not mean to hurt Schmidt, okay? But I can't make him into a model! Not in modern-day America. In 1970s Israel... Maybe.
Coach: Get... it... done. I hate when Schmidt cries. Sounds like a ghost singing "hey ya!" [sings] Hey ya Hey ya, oh, oh-oh I want to be your daddy... Fix it!

Jess: I wanted to tell you that, um, the bank cancelled my credit card after I ordered you porn.
Nick: That's okay, I wanted to cancel it anyway. You paying for it kind of killed it for me.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: Just made me sad for everybody involved. I wanted to give those girls a hug and say, "Wipe your face, go back to school, honey."

Coach: So, guys, when does Schmidt get paid for this?
Winston: Well... The agency is pretty tapped...
Coach: Uh-huh.
Winston: after spending $1,887 on this billboard.
Schmidt: Well, why don't the Jew-Koreans pay for it?
Cece: Well, it's an international thing. See? So, there's fees.
Coach: Yeah, but you said he would get a check for $500.
Schmidt: Yes.
Coach: Congrats, bro. You deserve that $500.

Jess: Tell me more about this internet porn. Is there anything I would like? Like something with a story, you know?
Nick: I don't think you'd like it.
Jess: Nothing about Victorian England or anything like that?
Nick: Oh, there's some stuff, I don't think you would like it.