Jess: Are you eating takeout for breakfast?
Nick: Hey, you're my girlfriend now. You're not supposed to judge anything I do.
Jess: Say that again.
Nick: You're my girlfriend now. [both laugh]
Jess: I like it. Even when you have dumpling in your mouth.

Jess: I have to go. I have a big meeting with Principal Foster today.
Nick: I hate that guy. He always says no to your ideas.
Jess: No, no, no. Not this one. This one is, uh, Ocean Conservation Day.
Nick: Why do you do this to yourself, Jess?
Jess: So you're telling me to not even try?
Nick: I just don't want you to be disappointed when he says no. Look, maybe you should try to try a little less.
Jess: How am I supposed to try to not try?
Nick: That's a catch-22.

Nick: Oh, hey, Coach. Oh, I dropped a dumpling!
Coach: That his breakfast?
Jess: Yeah. Isn't it cute? He's not even ashamed of it.
Nick: Oh I got it! It almost got away from me- Aah!

Schmidt: Ah, Nicholas. Chinese food for breakfast. See you're still a health nut.
Nick: Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Schmidt: I'm rocking a PD personal day. Yeah, last day of the move. Coach, I see you've wasted no time moving into my old room. Anyway, I just came over to, uh, drop off my old key.
Nick: Wow, so this is like a moment.
Schmidt: Looking to get some much-needed space from this place.
Nick: You're right across the hall.
Schmidt: That's true. Everywhere you go... There you are. [exits]
Coach: What? His jeans are so small.
Nick: He looks like a little puppet. Like something some Italian whittled.

Coach: Typical Winston.
Nick: [laughing] That's true.
Winston: What is that supposed to mean?
Coach: Because you're always too injured to play. Remember when you sat out of the game because you were sad?
Winston: I was also cold.

Coach: Nick. Let's do this. Look at me. Now, you're in a new relationship, which puts you at risk for gaining the boyfriend 15.
Nick: That's not a thing.
Coach: It is a thing.
Nick: Jess is into this.
Coach: I've seen this happen a million times. The boyfriend 15 quickly turns into the boyfriend 20. Next thing you know, you're a fat dude on a little bike with a cowboy hat on talking about, "My ass hurts."
Nick: I don't want to be that.
Coach: I don't want you to be that.
Nick: I would just be riding around in circles or would I be going places?
Coach: Circles, dude. Fat-guy rash on your arm.

Winston: You know what? I'm in, too.
Coach: You're injured, you shouldn't, you shouldn't do it.
Winston: What? Come on, Winnie the Bish play through the pain, baby. You know what? Let's warm up with some jumping jacks.
[Winston does one jumping jack and injures himself]
Winston: [groans] I was going... Oh!

Jess: Are you serious? More menus? This is like... Why do we need more menus? Don't we have enough menus?
Nick: Feels like you're saying menus a lot.
Jess: This is an eco-disaster. Conservation deserves a win today. Hop Foo's has killed its last tree.
Nick: Jess, this feels like a something-else-is-going-on type of thing. Are you okay to drive? You got crazy eye!

Brian: Uh, welcome to Hop Foo's. Can I help you?
Jess: This morning, there were nine menus just in my apartment.
Brian: I also hate those menus, they're so bad for the environment.
Jess: It's wasteful. It's an eco-disaster.
Brian: I'll talk to my boss, see if we can change that.
Jess: Yeah, great, you do that. I'm gonna follow up with you on that.
Brian: I compost, recycle, but it's I don't feel like it's enough. Thank you. Geez, thank you so much for stepping up and saying something.
Jess: That's who I am, that's just, you know, I'm-
Brian: My name's Brian.
Jess: Jess. Jessica. Jess. It's really refreshing to meet someone who actually cares.
Brian: Well, it helps that you're gorgeous.
Jess: Ha! Blah! [laughs] Burr! No, that's crazy. That ain't real. That's dumb. That's straight dumb. You're dumb. You're nice. You excited for the holidays? I am. Hmm. Anyway...

Winston: Yo. Yo. Hey. What's going on, guys? [chuckles] Let's do this. I tell you, ain't no injury gonna hold Old Winnie the Bish down, 'cause I'm a warrior. Nick knows. Burpies? All right, cool. [groans]
Coach: Injury is gonna get worse.
Winston: I'm not a quitter!