Jess: Brian, I thought you were gonna talk to your boss.
Brian: I am the boss.
Jess: Hop Foo's is your restaurant?
Brian: Sorry I lied. You just seemed kind of crazy, so I didn't want to deal.
Jess: But you care about conservation.
Brian: Oh, I don't, I really don't. I care about my restaurant.
Jess: You're going down, Brian! I'm gonna collect signatures, I'm gonna start a petition, and I will turn it in to the person who's in charge of restaurants. And I'm gonna report you to the City!
Brian: Oh, no, not the City. [closes van door]
Jess: No! You're a jerk, Brian! I'm gonna burn down your building! I won't do that, I won't do that. Why do people suck?! Ow!

Coach: Hello zere.
Cece: I'm, I'm Cece, I-I remember you.
Coach: Yeah, yeah, yeah, great memory. That's what's up, that's what's up. No doubt. Diggity. [chuckles] [flexes]
Cece: Nick!
Coach: Breasts. Ni-

Nick: This is for the food, and there's a little extra for you.
Cece: Oh, my God, are you tipping me?
Nick: Yeah. [Cece turns around to leave] Well, if I'm gonna get in trouble, give it back. I gave you four bucks.

Jess: I just had a very productive conversation with the owner of the restaurant. Action has been taken, change is in the air. Now I'm going to go research lawsuits in my room for fun. [smiles]
Nick: You okay? You seem a little off.
Jess: [o.s.] Stop ordering from that place.

Winston: Hey.
Nick: Hey, what's up, Jason Street?
Winston: The Internet said that I had to stay off my feet, but then I found this wheelchair in a ditch, so I'm ready to work out.
Coach: Winston, go lay down.

Nick: Damn it, Coach.
Coach: Nick! I want you to really think about your next step.
Nick: Why do you care so much?
Coach: This is a crucial moment, a crossroads. By you eating that, you are telling me that you'd rather sit on the couch eating dumplings than do something with your life. Now, are you a doer or a dumpling-er?
Nick: I'm sorry, I'm not you, man. I'm a dumpling-er. [eats dumpling] Mmm. Oh, it's veggie. I did all that for nothing? I tried.

Winston: Where are you taking me?
Jess: You're my smoking gun.
Schmidt: Winston's in a wheelchair? What's next, Roberto Benigni coming through the halls, making everybody laugh? [bumps] Aah! Ow! Missing everything.

Nick: What the hell are you doing, man?
Coach: I'm making island beats. I think this is what I'm gonna do from now on, since, obviously, I can't coach.
Nick: I thought we were just messing around. Why are you taking this so hard?
Coach: Because, dude, I was trying to prove to myself that I could still do this. Ever since Malia broke up with me I don't know I've just been a mess. Feel like I can't do anything right.

Schmidt: Guys, it's locked, it's unlocked. Get it together for real.
Nick: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were so busy.
Schmidt: I found this extra alarm clock, and, uh, I thought it'd be neighborly, so I'll set it up for you guys. You're welcome.
Nick: Wait a second. What is that?
Schmidt: What's what?
Nick: Is that a camera?
Schmidt: Hmm?
Nick: Schmidt, are you spying on us?
Schmidt: So... [scoffs] It is it's a camera. Well, I'm shocked.
Nick: Schmidt, look, you decided to move out. So move out.
Schmidt: I am out. I'm actually very busy, you know that? I'm actually late for a very important coffee with a with a dear friend of mine.
Nick: Who's that?
Schmidt: Hmm?
Nick: Who?
Schmidt: Yeah. Wouldn't you like to know?

Jess: Are you enjoying your meal? Winston enjoyed his meal, right? Until he had an allergic reaction.
Man: Let's go.
Jess: There. I drove away all of your customers, and I'm gonna do that every day until you stop with the menus. Earth warrior!