Robby: I also wear a slow-release opium patch on my spine. [laughs]
Winston: Hey, I ever told you the story of how I got injured in the first place?
Robby: Yes.
Winston: One may think that it started because of a lack of bagels, but no. It started with a surplus...
Winston: Yes, yes, you're familiar with such happening.
Robby: You know what? I think Jess told me to help her...
Winston: No, no, no, no. You're good. Uh, lock you up. [laughs]

Jess: I'm sure she's bummed, too. How long is she gonna be there?
Nick: No idea. I didn't ask. I just said, "Happy Thanksgiving." And then I hung up.
Jess: Okay, you're gonna have to leave the kitchen. The whole sad-guy, whiskey-flame combination is starting to worry me.
Nick: Let me know when my whiskey boils down to a crystal so I can eat it.

Schmidt: Hey, Dad, are you okay in there? Did you fall in? That's a dad joke that I would've assumed I would have heard you make had you been around more.
Gavin: [o.s.] I want you to know I'm not using the bathroom. I'm just sitting here.
Schmidt: Hey, Dad, you know what's a great cure for heartache? A little father-and-son time. You know, we could have a catch, whittle a stick. Why don't you just come out?

Schmidt: Maybe she was just scared. You know women. They're a mystery.
Nick: Yeah, sometimes they just go to Omaha and you don't know when they're gonna come back.
Gavin: Or if they're coming back. How do you even know she's in Omaha?
Nick: Oh, because, uh, she said she was. [off Gavin's look] Nothing means anything.
Gavin: Nothing means anything.
Nick: Nothing... means anything.
Gavin: At least you're young, Nick. You got a rocking bod with kickass buns. You're not gonna have any problems. Who's gonna want an old guy like me? I've got garbage buns.
Schmidt: What? Are you out of your mind? Dad, you've got fantastic buns.
Gavin: You think?
Schmidt: I'm telling you, you've got nothing to worry about. Nick, stand up, put your buns next to each other, so... here.
Nick: What is happening here?

Gavin: I'm not doing anybody any favors today. I'm a bummer. Probably the best thing I could do would be to head home.
Nick: See you later, man, nice to see you again.
Schmidt: Dad, stay. Look... you're gonna land on your feet. I've see... I've seen all kinds of women throw themselves at you. Lifeguards and teachers, lens crafters.
Nick: Remember when you had your tongue in Jess' mouth?
Gavin: She tasted like licorice... sweet but with a bite.
Schmidt: Not... you're not helping, Nick.

Schmidt: Nick, we have got to go to Ann Kim's house and convince her to give my dad a second chance. It's the only way he's gonna stay.
Nick: She's not gonna come. She's a snake. All women are snakes.
Schmidt: I understand that you're spinning out about Reagan.
Nick: I'm spinning out about Reagan.

Jess: Robby, you're a great guy, but nothing is ever gonna happen between us. However, someday you're gonna open a really wonderful bed and breakfast.
Cece: That was pretty good.
Jess: I mean, right? Can you imagine the wine and cheese hour he would put on?

Nick: Stuff the toga with hot coals. We're going out.
Jess: What? Wait.
Schmidt: Have a place setting at the table for Ann Kim, but don't seat her next to my dad. I want all the couples split up. Everybody gets to talk that way, but, uh... and then put me next to Nick.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: And then my dad next to me as well. So I'm sandwiched between Nick and my dad.

Gavin: Oh, smells great.
Jess: That's just my famous gravy. [chuckles] The trick is, um, a pinch of brown sugar and then a couple more handfuls of brown sugar. Actually, uh, just a lot of brown sugar.
Gavin: Ann Kim loves gravy. Big dogs, small horses, the smell of rain, and gasoline. [sobbing]
Jess: Oh, Gavin. You're a handsome and passionate and charismatic man.
Gavin: You and me. We really had something. What do you say we give it another shot? Let's just drive and drive and drive.
Robby: I know what I'm not thankful for this year. This. This is it.
Jess: Robby, this is not what it looks...
Robby: Don't say anything. I-I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just start by saying that is smells delicious in here. I'm gonna leave. [groans] Just... hold on a second. [clattering]

Nick: Hey, Ann Kim, show your face. You cold-hearted zombie.
Ann Kim: Who's down there?
Schmidt: It's Gavin's son. I don't know if you remember this, but we went on a double date once. My wife got terribly ill from some truffle oil. Rich foods don't agree with her.
Ann Kim: Did Gavin send you?
Schmidt: No, no, no. He doesn't even know that I'm here. Look, Ann Kim, he's heartbroken. You opened up something inside of him, and you turned him into the man that I always knew that he could be. And darn it, I'm just a kid... [sighs] hoping for a Thanksgiving miracle. Why don't you give him a second chance and come back with us, and let's all give thanks together.