Coach: Honestly, it took me a while to figure out who I was in that school, but I finally did.
Jess: Who?
Coach: I'm the guy who has sex with everyone.
Jess: Why can't you be the guy who loves recycling?! Everyone loves that guy. This is a school.
Coach: It's a sexy place, Jess. Look at that CPR poster. It's hot as crap.
Jess: What the...? Why aren't they wearing shirts? Are they drinking wine?

Dr. Foster: There's someone here I'd like you to meet.
Jess: Oh!
Dr. Foster: This is Ryan. He's gonna be taking over the science class. Now, don't be alarmed, but his voice is gonna sound kind of funny. It's because he's British. Say something to her.
Ryan: Hello. Pleased to meet you.
Jess: Ah. Oh, charming. Hi. It's a... How do you do? You must be, um... Mister... "Gos... Gosin-Yure."
Ryan: It's pronounced "Goes-In-You."
Jess: Goes-In-Who?
Coach: It "goes in you," Jess.
Jess: Goes in me. Goes in... Jess. What!? I'm sorry, I'm gonna make a note of how to pronounce it. It's really nice to meet you, Mr. Goes-In... Ryan.
Coach: Coach: Hey, Jess, where you going? You forgot to tell him about boundaries!

Nick: [on the phone] Winston, Judy called again. And so, I told her you weren't feeling it.
Winston: [laughs] Now why would you do that?
Nick: You said you were gonna dump her. It was a very difficult conversation for you. We all know how you are, so I just handled it. You're welcome.
Schmidt: Hey, Nick, do I need to be on for this? Can I get off?
Winston: Great, great, great. You know what? Now she's gonna do something crazy. You know, this is a very emotional woman we're dealing with, all right? That bitch a Leo!
Schmidt: Can I go now?
Nick: You should have thought of that before you dumped her.
Winston: I didn't! You did!
Nick: Because that's what you wanted.
Winston: I don't know what I want!
Nick: Judy didn't know what you wanted, either!

Nick: [on the phone] And that's all I got. You guys good? Okay, I'll check back in five.
Schmidt: What? Five... Five what? Nick? Five minutes?!
Nick: [sings] I'm a very good secretary.

Winston: [answers phone] Hello.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: Hello.
Schmidt: Yeah...
Winston: [singsongy] Hello.
Schmidt: Yo!
Winston: Hello.
Schmidt: Yo...
Winston: Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Schmidt: Yo!
Winston: What up? What up? What up?
Schmidt: Winston!
Winston: Hello.
Schmidt: I said... Winston I said "yo."
Winston: Wait. Who's this?
Schmidt: It's Schmidt! We got to do something about Nick.

Jess: We're here to address the school policies on interfaculty relations. Some forms of touching, say, a... a friendly handshake, or a spirited pat, are completely appropriate.
Biology Teacher: What if you spill coffee on your pants, and you're very burnt, and upon getting your pants cut off by paramedics, you become aroused?
Jess: I'm truly hoping that didn't happen.
Biology Teacher: What if you're in a situation where you either have to um... Grab a teacher's crotch, or give narcotics to a student?
Coach: That's a great question, man.
Biology Teacher: Thanks, friend.
Jess: Not a great question.
Biology Teacher: And what if you...?
Jess: I'm done with you.

Jess: If you feel things getting sexual... Just say, "shut it down!" Followed by a sweeping gesture with your hands, like such. Everyone do it with me. Shut it down!
Coach: No, thanks.
Jess: It's kind of fun. Shut it down.
Ryan: Shut it... Down.
Jess: Thank... Thank you, new guy.

Jess: Yes, Coach.
Coach: See, I'm more of a visual learner.
Ruth: [laughing] Oh, yeah, you are.
Coach: Do you think you could maybe demonstrate that move in context?
Jess: Really, Coach?
Coach: I think we'd all like that. It's kind of like a... Like a skit.
Jess: No idea.
Coach: [chants] Visual learning.

Jess: Okay, Coach, do you want to come up and help me?
Coach: How about the new guy? British people love doing stuff, right?
Jess: No, I don't think...
Coach: [chants] British guy... doing stuff!
Jess: I'm telling you they don't like to do things.
All: [chant] Doing stuff.
Mrs. Raws: The British are coming!

Cece: Why aren't one of you doing this?
Winston: Because we couldn't decide which of us to do it, and this way, it's fair. Put nothing on it. Flat as can be.
Cece: All right, here we go. Flat as can be.
Schmidt: Just say the words.
Cece: [beep] [flatly] Hello. You've reached the loft.
Schmidt: Oh, my God! Will you not stop until the whole world is aroused?!