Coach: It's great having you here, Mr. Goes-In-You.
Ryan: Geauxinue.
Coach: Yeah. Goes-In-You, Goes-In-You.
Dr. Foster: No...
Coach: Goes in all of us.
Ryan: Yeah.
Dr. Foster: Sooner or later.

Jess: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Foster: Hello, "Dog," it's Principal Foster.
Jess: Oh, hey. Did you just call me "Dog"?
Dr. Foster: You're Vice Principal now. We're peers.
Jess: Oh.
Dr. Foster: Good news... I have a replacement for your science class.
Jess: It's about time, you old son of a bitch.
Dr. Foster: What?!
Jess: Too casual?

Schmidt: [on the phone] The Scarf has been backordered a month.
Jess: [also on the phone] Wait, hello?
Schmidt: Meanwhile the hat is just sitting here.
Jess: Yeah, hello.
Nick: This is not a business center. Get out of my room.
Jess: Hello? Hello?
Nick: It's my man time.

Winston: [on the phone] Mama? Mama, unplug it, okay?
Schmidt: [also on the phone] Hello? Hello.
Winston: If you unplug it, it cannot electrocute you.
Coach: [also on the phone] It's blue? Oh, yes!
Jess: [also on the phone] Mr. Foster...
Schmidt: No, I don't want blue. With a bisque hat? I'll look insane.
Jess: Hello, Dog. Dog?
Winston: Why do you have an electric guitar?

Jess: [phone rings] It's ringing.
Schmidt: Whoa, that's cool.
Winston: Just like the movies.
Nick: We should answer it with, like, really funny voices.
Jess: Yeah.
Coach: We don't know who it is. It could be anybody.
Schmidt: Could be Tanya from sixth grade.
Jess: Yeah. [phone stops]
Schmidt: Oh... oh.
Jess: Next time it rings, we should answer it.

Nick: Be really nice if you guys spent some time and studied your friend Nick. Pop quiz, hotshots. I miss you guys.
Schmidt: I don't understand what you're saying, man. Are you asking me a question?
Nick: For real, though, I miss you.
Schmidt: So we would just sit around and drink all day?
Nick: Aw, forget it, man! I'm storming off.

Jess: Um, anyway, uh, how did this start?
Coach: Uh, fine. A couple of weeks ago I got a cut. And I went to the nurse.
Jess: Okay.
Coach: And when I saw her, I was like, "damn."
Ruth: And I was, like, "you frickin' got a cut."
Coach: And I was like, "you frickin' better fix it." And she was like, "no. Cuts are gross."
Ruth: Yeah.
Coach: And then we had sex.
Ruth: Yeah.
Jess: That's disturbing on so many levels.

Jess: Um, I'm sorry, but your outfit looks like you got it at a Halloween store.
Ruth: Thank you. Coach got it for me. It's a child's medium. [giggles] What'd you put for "nature of relationship"... "Girlfriend"?
Coach: Well, that's what I actually wanted to talk to you about. 'Cause, uh, we hadn't...
Ruth: Question mark? Um, it didn't feel like a question mark when you put a calamari on my finger like an engagement ring.
Coach: That didn't seem like a question mark to you?

Rose: Jess, someone's in my parking spot again.
Jess: Not now, Rose.
Rose: Hey, Ernie.
Coach: Hey.
Rose: Last night was really fun. I found your swim trunks. They're ruined. Really fun.
Coach: Ah, come on. Yeah?
Ruth: I thought you ditched this bitch.
Rose: I will send your weave right back to the loom!

Nick: Winston, uh... Who's this Gal Judy? I've never heard of her. She called twice. Who is this woman?
Winston: [chuckles] She's nobody.
Nick: Doesn't sound like nobody. Where'd you guys meet?
Winston: At the driving range.
Nick: The driving range? But you don't golf.
Winston: Uh, I like to watch?
Nick: Winston, you go to the driving range just to watch?
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: Very strange, very strange. Let's get back to this Judy character, because I am interested. You made love to her yet?
Winston: I don't know. Leave me alone, dude. Honestly, stop. That's not even a big d... I don't even like her that much, all right? Just, ugh. I'm probably gonna dump her.