Jess: Okay, so say I'm in the library and I feel Mr. G.'S hands on my shoulders. I'm not interested. So what do I do? I say, "shut it down." Does that make things more clear for you?
Coach: I feel like it needs to be a little more real, you know what I mean? I feel like if he were to touch her, that would help, am I right? [others agreeing] Am I crazy for thinking that? No, right? Yeah. Just... It'll be more helpful if he were to touch her. Just touch her, man.

Jess: I touched your... I... that was...
Ryan: That's fine. It's-it's cool.
Jess: Nice to meet you, too. [laughter] That was an accident. And when an accident happens, shut it down.
[cheering, laughter] I did it again.
Coach: That's what I'm talking about!
Jess: I think we need to fill out some forms.

Nick: Knock, knock.
Winston: Who's there?
Nick: The magazine. They called. They left a message. They want to do the interview today.
Winston: Why didn't you say anything? That thing is super important to him. You know how much this interview meant to him.
Nick: Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah.
Winston: First you break up with Judy and now this? Why are you so obsessed with answering the phone?
Nick: Man. We're just peeling the onion all the way to the middle, aren't we?
Winston: What's going on?
Nick: Just because I miss you guys. And I didn't know what was going on with your lives and now I do, and it-it made me feel connected to you.
Winston: I'm not gonna lie to you, man, that got me.

Jess: I just don't know how to face Ryan again. I was so unprofessional.
Coach: Jess, you're the Vice Principal, and you're a great Vice Principal. Doesn't mean you're not a human being.
Jess: Thanks. Oh... And you'll be happy to know I've repealed the policy.
Ruth: Oh. [gasps] You have? That's frickin' awesome.
Jess: Ruth.
Ruth: Hi. It's hot under there.
Jess: Happy to know you two have patched things up.
Ruth: Yeah, we have.
Coach: Oh, they've been patched.
Ruth: Two times.
Jess: I see your hand moving, and I... Wish you'd wait till I left the room.
Ruth: My bad.

Jess: Principal Foster, I am so sorry. I went overboard.
Dr. Foster: First off, it's "Dog."
Jess: Dog.
Dr. Foster: Secondly, do not apologize. I have tried to corral these animals myself. It's impossible.
Jess: Word.
Dr. Foster: These teachers are straight-up ho's, Dog. Sometimes you just got to let people follow their urges.
Jess: Yes. I completely agree.
Dr. Foster: It's too bad we can't.
Jess: We can't?
Dr. Foster: Absolutely not. We're administrators, B. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Two administrators? Perfectly fine. But, unfortunately, as I've repeatedly told you, I'm not attracted to you.
Jess: Right. You like Asians.
Dr. Foster: So... Exactly. So that's off the table.
Jess: Yeah.
Dr. Foster: So, do us both a favor... Lock up that lobster.

Schmidt: I still can't believe it. Look at that.
Cece: "Bringing nasty back."
Nick: "The bad boy of marketing."
Schmidt: That is cool. So great for my brand. I mean, I always knew I was a bad boy, but now it's in print and it's official.
Nick: Don't call yourself a bad boy.
Winston: Am I a bad boy?
Schmidt: You're not a bad boy.