Cece: Do you think that Nick is in the strip club right now shaking hands? No. Because he is a man. You can't trust them, Jess. Okay? The moment you let your guard down, they just walk all over you. Tonight is the night to beat them at their own game.
Jess: Hey, Artie! Bet you can't lift me!

Schmidt: Body shot. You taste delicious, do you know that? What is that? An aftertaste?
Woman: Probably baby formula.
Schmidt: Oh...

Nick: It's Jess. [answers phone] Hey, Jess, I'm so glad you called!
Jess: Nick, can I talk to you for a second?
Coach: Oh, is that, uh, Notorious N.A.G.?
Nick: Hey!
Coach: Is that Naggie Gyllenhaal?
Nick: Hey, I don't need your help checking my woman.
Jess: You're checking your woman?
Nick: Wait, how did you hear that?
Jess: You were covering the listening part, dummy.
Nick: Yeah, but they look the same. I'm too drunk.
Jess: Well, I'm way drunk, too, and I'm with a man.
Nick: What?
Jess: He owns a business, and he goes to Brazil. Nick?
Nick: [holding phone] Oh, it's a coin flip.

Schmidt: Is that lobster gray?
Winston: Most expensive thing on the menu.

Nick: No, stop, no, no. Relationships are not prisons, and Jess is amazing. She's sexy and sweet, and I can't lose her. So I'm going home to see her. [Coach sobs] Why are you crying? We can see each other tomorrow.
Coach: I didn't break up with Malia, all right? She broke up with me.
Winston: Why didn't you say anything, man?
Coach: 'Cause I was embarrassed, Winston. I lost her. I was just trying to fill a void with all these naked chicks. I don't want to be here. I want to be in love.
Nick: Oh, Coach, this is so pathetic.
Coach: Now she's dating some dude named Derrique. Or Derek.
Nick: Coach, you need to go home, and I need to go home, too.
Coach: You're right, man. You have to fight for your relationships.
Schmidt: Freaking Derrique.

Winston: Mm-mmm, guys, guys, you cannot leave.
Coach: Dude, I was just crying. I want to get out of here.
Nick: It's embarrassing. He cried in a strip club.
Coach: All the dudes saw me cry. Dude, I want to leave.
Winston: Man, I got Bunny Money coming out of my pockets.

Jess: Look, Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan. I once found a note he wrote to himself that said "Put on pants" followed by a question mark. That means it read, "Put on pants?" Also, he throws pizza at seagulls, which I guess is kind of nice because he's trying to feed them. And he's a really, really great kisser.
Cece: You have something really good. Just go get Artie and tell him to leave, all right?

Schmidt: He's gonna get the whole precinct! This is a high-income area. They're very bored in there.

Nick: Life changes. You got to grow up. I did. I'm in a relationship, and I'm happy. Schmidt moved out of the loft, and he's happy.
Schmidt: I'm miserable! It's your fault.
Nick: What are you talking about?
Schmidt: I'm in a vacancy room! A room of vacancy! Empty nest!
Nick: By choice! By choice!
Schmidt: Let me tell you something, when I'm done with you, your face is gonna look all melted like the president at the end of Raiders.
Nick: He wasn't a president! You saw a different movie than everybody else in the world!
Schmidt: I'll kill you!

Jess: Artie, I have to hit the hay. Oh, dear!
Artie: Don't worry. I'm gonna make you coffee in the morning.