Schmidt: Uh-oh, you better watch out, break of, break of dawn, because I'm about to party all up in you!
Nick: Coach texted you, too?
Schmidt: Yeah, man.
Nick: Well, I guess he doesn't realize you're a dill weed who doesn't live here anymore.
Schmidt: Well, I guess he doesn't realize that you're a dill weed who... who still lives here.
Nick: [chuckling] Remember when you got those chimes, and there was that girl?
Schmidt: [chuckling] Yeah.
Winston: What's happening?
Jess: I don't know. I don't understand this.
Schmidt: I had so much sex on patio furniture.
Nick: A lot of fun.
Schmidt: The best.
Nick: I'm still mad at you.
Schmidt: I'm mad at you, man!

Jess: Uh, Nick, can I talk to you in the other room alone for a sec?
Nick: Should I close the door, or do you want to just do it quietly?
Jess: We're not having sex, Nick.
Nick: No, I know that. [buttons belt back up] You wanted to come here and talk.

Coach: Let's go, Nick. These dollar bills aren't gonna stick themselves in a thong.
Nick: I'm coming, my man.
Coach: Right on.
Nick: I might I might be coming, my man.
Coach: Oh, I get it. You're whipped.
Nick: No, I'm not.
Coach: I know you had to check in with your girlfriend.
Nick: We haven't even discussed the girlfriend-boyfriend thing.
Coach: Oh, cool, man. Let's go.

Jess: What? What a- I'm sorry, what did I just hear?
Nick: What I- All I said was we haven't had the girlfriend-boyfriend discussion, which we haven't.
Jess: You don't think you're my boyfriend?
Nick: No, I never said that. I'm just talking terminology. We've never had the terminology. We've never had the terminology.
Jess: What?
Nick: We've never used the terminology.
Jess: It's funny you act like you're my boyfriend, you have all the "privileges" of being my boyfriend.
Nick: I enjoy them.
Jess: Would like me to revoke those privileges?
Nick: No, you're twisting my words.

Nick: What I'm saying, Jess, is we've never had the boyfriend-girlfriend, seeing other people conversation.
Jess: We haven't had the seeing other people conversation? You're seeing other people?
Nick: No, I'm not. Are you?
Jess: No.
Nick: Jess, I'm just We haven't had the conversation is all, and it's a conversation that I, personally, would love to have.
Coach: Uh, dude, let's go. It's gonna close. Geez, is she not letting you go?
Nick: I'm just telling her what kind of cake to bake me, son.
Coach: Oh. [laughs] Damn! That's right.

Jess: Guess what, Nick? I'm going out tonight because we haven't had the boyfriend-girlfriend talk, and we haven't had the seeing other people talk, and I'm gonna bake a cake, a pineapple upside down cake.
Nick: In terms of the metaphor, I'm really-
Jess: Don't! Go to the strip club, Nick. Knock yourself out.
Coach: Oh, don't wait up, Jebecca.
Jess: Yeah, it's Jess.
Coach: Right on.

Coach: Oh, isn't this great, guys?
Nick: Awesome.
Schmidt: Yeah, man, the best.
Coach: And it's gonna keep getting better, because we're not leaving here until the sun comes up.
Schmidt: Whew.
Coach: [to a stripper] Hey, yo, brick top! We about to get it popping. Whistle while you twerk!

Coach: So I got dancers for each of us, plus one floater to play the zone.
Nick: Oh, defense!
Schmidt: Yeah!
Nick: Here's a crazy idea.
Coach: Shoot, man.
Nick: What if we got out of here, went back to the loft and just hung out? You're going through a big breakup. Let's talk it out, man.
Coach: Yeah, yeah, let's just, um, go home and talk feelings. No. I was with Malia, now I'm not. There, we talked about it. Oh, look at the time. It's butt o'clock.

Schmidt: You whipped.
Nick: Shut up, Schmidt.
Coach: You whipped.
Schmidt: Straight-up whipped.
Nick: I'm not whipped.
Schmidt: Whipped like cream cheese.
Coach: Yeah, you are.
Schmidt: Whipped like cream cheese.
Coach: Whipped!

Jess: So, Cece, I'm thinking of firing off this text to Nick. "Loving single life." Should I add a "whoo-hoo" or is that too bitchy?
Cece: Look who I called.
Artie: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Shut your face. What?