Jess: It's been a really great evening, what a treat it's been, but I think somewhere along the way, some signals got crossed.
Artie: Signals could not have been any clearer. Come on in. The water's warm.
Jess: Are you splashing me?
Artie: I'm fixing to mix you up.
Jess: Seriously?
Cece: Oh, men are such dicks.

Artie: The Brazilians have the same word for making love to one woman as they do for making love to two. Mah-gaa-leesh. Take off your tops and say it with me.
Nick: Jess!
Jess: Oh, my God, that's Nick!
Cece: Okay, okay, you-you just get him dressed. I will stall Nick. I am really good at this kind of thing.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Cece: Nick, hey, great. I've been wanting to talk to you about this side table. What kind of wood is it made out of? [Nick continues walking] Jess, I failed!

Nick: Jess.
Artie: Welcome, brother.
Jess: Oh, my God. Nick, I can't imagine what you must be thinking right now. Actually, I can. This is your worst nightmare. There's a very good-looking man in my bed, and he's naked, and I'm flushed, and I'm flustered. I might as well just spray paint "Jay Cutler sucks" on the wall and just round out the whole image, right? But, Nick, nothing happened, and nothing was ever going to happen, and you have to believe me, please. Say you believe me, please.
Nick: I believe you.

Nick: Hey, Artie? I'm gonna need you to get out of my girlfriend's bed, man.
Artie: Well, uh, I'm naked and-and in bed, and you're fully clothed and standing, so I mean, I hardly think this would be a fair fight.
Nick: Well, I'd like it to be a fair fight. [starts to undress] Thank God for snaps.
Jess: Men are so weird.
Artie: I must warn you, while spending time in Brazil...
Nick: Let me get situated first before we get into this thing.
Jess: Oh, my God!

Winston: I was just thinking maybe-maybe you guys could chip in a little bit. 'Cause it was expensive. I'll take 50 cents on the dollar, I really would. I really would. Please?