Jess: [alarm goes off at 7:00] This is the time I was born. I'm wide awake. It's my birthday.

Nick: My day started earlier than I thought. I got to slow down breakfast. What's going on with you guys?
Winston: Nick, first of all, blessings. Um, second of all, there may have been a possible mix-up with the cake. Possibly.
Nick: "See You in Hell, Boomer"? Oh, my God. What part of you thought this was Jess's cake?
Winston: I thought it was an inside joke.
Coach: I'll do the cake.
Winston: No, I am the cake patrol.
Nick: Both of you do the cake. I'm considering this problem solved.

Schmidt: Hey, speaking of problems, do you want me to go check up on Cece at the bar today?
Nick: I don't think that's necessary.
Schmidt: All right, I'll do it. But you owe me one, bro.
Nick: I need to make a 90-minute omelet.

Jess: I love my birthday breakfast. I can't believe you were gonna make this all yourself. It would've taken you hours.
Nick: I know. And with your help, it took six minutes.
Jess: I know. I'm so fast.
Nick: What do you say we go into my bedroom and, uh, slow things down?
Jess: Ooh.

Jess: Wow. That's the fastest it's ever taken.
Nick: [chuckles] I know. You just look very pretty. So, you want to take a long nap?
Jess: Oh. Um... If that's what you have planned, then, yes, let's take a long nap.
Nick: Perfect. Maybe for, like, six, seven hours?
Jess: Hmm. It's just such a nice day outside...
Nick: Yeah. Um, so let's take, uh let's take this party outside. Next up on the agenda is it's lunch.
Jess: It's 8:30 in the morning.
Nick: Oh, my God, it's so early.

Cece: Oh, hey, Mike. I cleaned the glasses.
Mike: Oh, wow, a bunch of broken glass in the ice tub. That'll be fun for me to clean up.
Cece: I'm sorry.
Mike: Um, I'm not gonna cover for you like Nick does, okay? I promise you that. And don't make eyes at me because it's not gonna work because I'm super gay. When I look at you, I just see... You know, it's fine, but it's bumpy, it's creepy. Eh. Doesn't do anything. It's like looking at this, it's like a it's-it's-it's-it's-it's it's not o it's not a good it's not good.
Cece: Okay.
Mike: This, all this, everything you got, eh. Three out of six.

Coach: Damn shame about that cake, Winston. Looks like someone dominated their party task. "Coach, where are all the kazoos?" All over your face. I'll pick those up. Or maybe in my spare time I'll make a cake. [blows kazoo]
Winston: Just back off, Coach.

Winston: [on the phone] So, how's your plan working out?
Nick: Okay, I have no plan. I'm just winging it, okay? I panicked and took her to a drugstore. She's getting a free diabetes test. I don't know where to take her. Is it safe to bring her home?
Jess: Hey.
Nick: Oh! The birthday girl!
Jess: I got the test. My blood sugar is normal.
Nick: Already? You did that all that already?
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: Birthday girl gets, all your favorite... Next activity.

Winston: I see what you're trying to do here, man. You're trying to show me up.
Coach: What are you talking about, Bish?
Winston: I'm referring to basketball. When we used to play back in the day, no matter how open I was, you never passed me the ball, you never let me shoot. You just couldn't stand to let me shine.
Coach: Your nostrils are flaring so much right now, it's distracting.
Winston: I'm done letting you run the court. I'm building my own court. And it's gonna be bigger and yummier than yours.
Coach: Are you challenging me to a bake-off, Bish?
Winston: Yes, I am challenging you to a bake-off.

Mike: A customer ordered an old-fashioned, and she got gin in a mug with a peanut in it.
Cece: I'll fix it.
Mike: Make me an old-fashioned right now, or I'm gonna call the manager. And I want to talk to him anyway, because he's just gorgeous. I want to be a barnacle on his ship. Just hanging on by my mouth, getting all the nutrients I need.