Nick: So you guys really think you're better at sex than me.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: Absolutely. What did you do after you lost your virginity? What did you say to me?
Nick: Don't say that right now. You're taking it out of context.
Winston: He said, "Winston, is it okay that I didn't get my pants all the way off?"
Schmidt: That's a true story. That really happened.
Nick: I was 16 years old. And I've gotten a lot better.
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you okay?" "Yeah. Are you okay?" "Yeah."

Paul: Oh, okay. You want me to do... you're doing a voice. You want me to do a voice? Okay, um... Well, I'm so happy to be here! Jimmy Stewart? [as Jimmy Stewart] You look ravishing in your... netting...
Jess: Thank you very much.
Paul: ...contraption.

Paul: You want me to wiggle it around?
Jess: How about you help me get a little more comfortable?
Paul: Oh. Oh, all right, dear. Okay, I just don't know...
Jess: I'm going to try something different.
Paul: Oh. Okay, great.
Jess: [imitates old woman] Young man! Young man, the things I'm gonna do to you!
Paul: Well, I can't wait to...
Jess: Young man, don't take all day.
Paul: Well, I-I understand, ma'am, but you're wearing chain mail here.
Jess: I am not getting any younger.
Paul: It's like an erotic rope course.

Paul: See? So nice. [choking] So nice... Ah, you're hurting me.
Jess: Oh, my God!
Paul: [gasping]
Jess: Oh, God. Are you okay?
Paul: Oh, yeah, I'm good, I'm good! [gasping]
Jess: Let me get you some water.
Paul: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get some water at home. I-I have good water at home.
Jess: No, no, no, I have water here.
Paul: I have a filter, it's a special ionized filter... I got at home.

Paul: So, last night was, um...
Jess: No, I'm so sorry.
Paul: No, no, don't, please...
Jess: Unacceptable.
Paul: I'm really intimidated by you, Jess. You're so experienced, and I've never done any of that stuff, that S and M style... bondage stuff. It scares me a little, but I... want to do it, because I know that you're into it. Just please be gentle with me at first, okay? I really like you.
Jess: Really?
Paul: Yeah, I do. And nothing else matters. Except, just... no fire, and no handcuffs, please. Please, please, please. Okay? And I'm allergic to felt. And most polyurethanes. Okay, well, that's it. And no bugs, too, I don't know if that was...

Paul: Wait, wait. Are we really gonna do this?
Jess: Yes. Yes!
Paul: Okay.
Jess: [sings] Intercourse, intercourse.
Paul: Intercourse.
Jess: [chants] Intercourse. [makes crowd noises] Sorry, that was weird. [chuckles]
Paul: No, no, no. It's okay.
Jess: I have to go to the loo.

Winston: Okay, I tell you what, man, just come to my place.
Nick: No, I'm not going to a black barbershop, Winston. I've seen the movies; I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.
Schmidt: Want to go to my salon?

Jess: So, um... heads up, Paul's coming tonight. And I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna be searching for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Winston: All right.
Schmidt: All right, hey!
Nick: Why are you telling us this?
Jess: 'Cause I want to. I want to give you a heads up.
Schmidt: You nervous? You need tips?
Jess: No, I'm not nervous. Just, you know, I can drive stick.
Schmidt: [chuckles] Yeah, 'cause it seems like you're freaking out a little bit. With this whole activity.
Winston: That's not stick, that's automatic.
Jess: That's not automatic.

Beth: Another bathroom break, Schmidt? You know, I've been timing you all day. Seven minutes and 23 seconds. I wonder what was going on in there. Hmm? You pooped.
Schmidt: Can you stop timing me, please? It's ridiculous that you do that.
Beth: I will break you. Hey, Lisa! You were on fire last night, girl! [to Schmidt] I'm taking her job.
Schmidt: What did you do last night?
Beth: Everyone from the office went to Jill's bachelorette party.
Schmidt: Why don't I get invited places? Is it because I'm the only man in the office?
Beth: "Man." That's adorable.

Beth: You know, Sarah got promoted.
Schmidt: Sarah? With the, with the gums?
Beth: Yeah.
Schmidt: So she's out of the...
Beth: That corner cubicle is free.
Schmidt: [sighs] So much kick-back space.
Beth: And, you know, Gina personally invited me to her baby shower tonight. So that corner cubicle ... that's all mine.
Schmidt: You like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.