Lieutenant Disher: Captain! Murder weapon. Boys found it under the stove.
Hal Tucker: The handle's cracked. Is that from hittin' the guy?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's right. The serial number's been filed off too. Makes it almost impossible to trace.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you reporting to him now?
Lieutenant Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] The serial number's been filed off. Makes it almost impossible...

Hal Tucker: You know, I read an article about all the crime in this neighborhood, how it's all drug-related.
Adrian Monk: Nah, this was no junkie, though. No, this was personal. This was very deliberate. If he'd been that desperate, he would have gone through the victim's pockets. See?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. I've never known a junkie not to.
Adrian Monk: And that guy is still wearing his watch, ring.
[Hal bends down and picks up a pair of sunglasses]
Natalie: You okay?
Hal Tucker: Yeah, I just dropped my shades.

Hal Tucker: What's going on?
Natalie: That's exactly what we were wondering, Mr. Tucker.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you mind telling us why you've been hanging out with Monk?
Hal Tucker: Well, he's a good guy. He's a lot of fun.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm gonna ask you one more time, why are you hanging with Monk?
Natalie: You know he doesn't have any money.
Hal Tucker: So what?
Lieutenant Disher: Does he know you have a record? Receiving stolen property.
Hal Tucker: Yeah. Yeah, he knows all about it, and he's cool with it. What's this got to do with you?
Natalie: We love him.
ha:Oh, you do? Then when's the last time you hung out with him, you know, just to hang out, or called him just to talk? He is a great guy. He's odd and funny and brilliant. But you wouldn't know that. I mean, to you, he's just some sort of crime-solving machine. A robot that you wind up and point at a crime scene and let him do your job for you. And to you, he's your funny, quirky boss. That you can make fun of and tell stories about behind his back. What kind of friends are you? If Adrian Monk has a problem, it's not with me.

Hal Tucker: Listen, uh, I just remembered. I have an appointment downtown with a client, so, uh, I'll call you later.
Adrian Monk: Okay, yeah, Hal! Wait, uh, before you go. There's, uh, something I've been meaning to say. I'm really glad we met.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, me too. I'll call ya.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, you know, I know this sounds childish, but, um... If you wanted to say we were best friends, that would be cool with me.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, sounds great. Let's do it.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Hal Tucker: Yeah, look, I really gotta go. I'll catch you later. [exits]
Adrian Monk: Yeah. [runs to the phone] Dr. Kroger. I'm sorry to call you at home. He said yes!

Adrian Monk: Hello.
Hal Tucker: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Who is your friend?
Hal Tucker: What are you doing here?
Adrian Monk: Does he work for the phone company? 'Cause your phone must be broken. I've been calling and calling.
Hal Tucker: Okay, I'm sorry. I've just been really busy.
Adrian Monk: I will not be toyed with, Hal!
Michael Kin: Look, we were just having dinner.
Adrian Monk: Where? Where, Scotty's Pub? Were you in our booth? Hal, look. I bought tickets for us. Got, uh, Disney On Ice. That's, like, animals ice skating, I think. And, uh, women's volleyball, and something called Pearl Jam. I just want another chance. Whatever I did, I take it back. I can change. I can... change. I've never actually done it, but I'd like to give it a try.
Michael Kin: He doesn't like hard rock.
Adrian Monk: You! Don't know the first thing about Hal, so don't pretend you do. How does he like his hamburgers? Huh? Didn't hear that. Medium rare! Can you name three of his shirts? 'Cause I can. The turquoise one, the yellow one, and the one he's wearing now.
Hal Tucker: Adrian, come on. We had some laughs, but to tell the truth, we don't really have that much in common.
Adrian Monk: He wets his bed.
Michael Kin: What?

Hal Tucker: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Your bag. Santorini. What's- What's in here? It's heavy. You- You bought this in Europe.
Hal Tucker: Boy, am I glad he's gone, huh? He gets so jealous when I'm around my friends, you know?
Adrian Monk: Really?
Hal Tucker: Yeah, you know, Adrian, I'm so glad you're here because, uh, my mother's coming over in a little while. Would you like to meet her?
Adrian Monk: Your- Your mother?
Hal Tucker: Yeah. I told her all about you. Come on, I live right upstairs. Let's go.
Adrian Monk: Your mom.
Hal Tucker: Yeah.

Lieutenant Disher: Here's the report on the murder weapon. You know, the firing pin was worn down. That's why it wouldn't fire.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe we should call Monk in on this one.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, yeah, I already called him. He's not available. He's having some kind of problem with Hal.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [scoffs] Hal. I still can't figure that one out. [turns the gun around in his hand] Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Lieutenant Disher: ... No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When you showed this gun to Hal and said, "Here's the murder weapon," he knew that the killer used it like a club.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, he pointed to the cracked handle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But we never told him how Tim Hayden died. You show anybody a handgun and say, "This is the murder weapon," they're going to assume that the guy had been shot.
Lieutenant Disher: How did he know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: How did he know?

Adrian Monk: I know that song.
Hal Tucker: What song?
Adrian Monk: That song you're humming. The music box at Gail Segalis' house. You. You've been to Greece?
Hal Tucker: Many times.
Adrian Monk: I've been everywhere. You had a beard. [Hal pulls out a gun] Gail Segalis. She said she'd send me a picture from Greece. Is that why you kept coming over? She must've taken the picture. And you were in it. It would've connected you to Gail... Oh, God. You kept bringing in my mail all that time. You were just waiting for her letter.
Hal Tucker: First class, my ass. That thing took forever.
Adrian Monk: So, you never reallyliked me?
Hal Tucker: Are you kidding? Spending a day with you is like pulling teeth. I'm surprised your own shadow keeps you company.

Adrian Monk: Back up. Back up! Over there. There. Open the bottle. Open it. Open it! [Hal reveals a figurine stashed in the bottle] Stolen. Of course. You have a record. You knew you'd be searched at the airport. That's why you seduced Gail Segalis, to get that through customs. And then you seduced me.
Hal Tucker: Come on, Age. I was just joking. You know, I was punking ya.
Adrian Monk: Punk- Punk- Punking?
Hal Tucker: I was joking. That gun's not loaded. I mean, I was just goofin' around. It's... It's what best friends do.
Adrian Monk: Best friends?
Hal Tucker: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: I don't believe you.
Hal Tucker: Oh, come on. It's me. Hal. It's your old pal Hal. You know me. I wouldn't hurt anybody. Come on. Let's go over to your place. Let's order a pizza. Have it sliced ten ways. Maybe polish some rocks.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay.
Hal Tucker: But I'm gonna need that gun! Hands up, you freak.
Adrian Monk: So it really is loaded?
Hal Tucker: Yes.

Lieutenant Disher: I'll take, uh, Pearl Jam. Good seats?
Adrian Monk: No, I'm sorry. They're right next to the stage.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, that leaves Disney On Ice and women's volleyball.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll take women's volleyball.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: Hey. Wanna go?
Adrian Monk: With you? Me and you? Why?
Natalie: We don't need a reason. We're friends.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.