Adrian Monk: Sorry. There was a fireplace?
Linda Riggs: There was a gas fireplace in the bedroom. It was turned on, and she was asphyxiated. This is a copy of the coroner's inquest. They said it was an accident. But, Mr. Monk, Jeanette never used that fireplace. I know he killed her.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Linda Riggs: Her husband, Max. Getting a divorce would have cost him $30 million. I'm sorry. Could I have another?
Adrian Monk: [holding tissues] Here's the thing. I buy ten boxes at a time, and they have to last me the whole month. [Linda sobs] So okay. [Monk separates the plys on a tissue]

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, I'm pouring the detergent. You're missing it.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, please. Please, I'm trying to talk to... I'm sorry.
Linda Riggs: Linda Riggs. Jeanette Hudson was my sister.
Adrian Monk: Jeanette Hudson? Max Hudson's wife?
Linda Riggs: Yeah, everyone thinks he's so funny. Jeanette was terrified of him. You know, he once got arrested for assault. He has a terrible temper.
Kevin Dorfman: So you've actually met him?
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Linda Riggs: Yes, I've met him. I think he killed my sister.
Kevin Dorfman: What's he like?
Linda Riggs: He's a monster!
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Kevin Dorfman: Forget it. Withdrawn. Never said it. Excuse me. I have dishes to do.

Max Hudson: Cool, okay. So you think I murdered my wife, even though I was right here, on the air, live, when she died?
Adrian Monk: Well, I do have a few questions.
Little Willie Karelli: Of course.
Adrian Monk: Just, from what I've seen, it seems unlikely that bedroom fireplace was ever used. According to the crime scene photos, the fireplace flue was closed, and there were no matches anywhere.
Max Hudson: Okay, that's great. That's very compelling, compelling cross-examination. How's this? Uh, you can ask me three questions, which I will answer right here in front of 4 million witnesses, if Natalie sits on Willie's lap.
Little Willie Karelli: Oh, please. Please!
Adrian Monk: Don't do it, Natalie. It's a trick.
Little Willie Karelli: Do it.
Max Hudson: Adrian, I thought you'd like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
Adrian Monk: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town. It's a perfect alibi. [Disher laughs] He knows his wife is gonna take those pills, so she's out cold--
Captain Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Sorry.
Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up. So he has one of his guys--
Lieutenant Disher: [chortles]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung.
Natalie: Oh, my God, you listen to that creep?
Lieutenant Disher: I think he's great... It's grating. De-grating. Degrading to women. Yeah, I keep listening, hoping he'll grow up, but he never does.

Adrian Monk: Anyway, one of his guys-
Lieutenant Disher: Goons. They're called Goons. The Goon Platoon.
Adrian Monk: Goons. One of his Goons - thank you - snuck into the house, turns on the gas...
Lieutenant Disher: It could have been J.J. The guy's a joke machine. He's been with Max for 15 years. Since Philadelphia.
Adrian Monk: Whoever it was, turned on the gas, closed the bedroom door. She never woke up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How did they get in the house?
Natalie: Max made an extra key.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It sounds good, but it doesn't track. This is new. It's from the security company. That house is wired. It's monitored 24-7, sealed tight. No door or window was opened all night long. No one, no thing came in or out.
Natalie: What about that window? It says "open".
Captain Stottlemeyer: That is a ventilation window to the basement. It only opens 8 inches.
Lieutenant Disher: Little Willie!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who? Little Willie. He's a little person. He'd do anything for Max. Last week, he ate his own weight in bologna. Jiggle me timbers! I think I just solved the case!
Natalie: "Jiggle me timbers"?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's something that Ma-- I heard it on the radio. I don't remember who says it. I don't know.

Adrian Monk: The new catchphrase. That was your command. That dog was your accomplice. You worked with him everyday for a month. You trained him to murder your wife. That morning, you could have been a hundred miles away. You left his cage open and a radio on. All you had to do was go on the air and give the command.
Lieutenant Disher: You knew Jeanette would be fast asleep.
Linda Riggs: You knew she'd never wake up.
Natalie: Oh, here he comes.
[The dog runs into the room, turns the gas on and runs out. Stottlemeyer turns the gas back off.]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You made one big mistake. Your partner, your accomplice, he's got a thing for shoes. He stole one of yours and brought it home.
Linda Riggs: So is he under arrest?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, he is.
Linda Riggs: Thank you, Mr. Monk. Thank you.
Lieutenant Disher: You heard the lady, Max. You're under arrest. Gimme your hands.
Adrian Monk: You're not laughing now. Are you? Are you?
Max Hudson: No. I'm not laughing.
Adrian Monk: Join the club.

Linda Riggs: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Linda Riggs: I'm sorry to bother you at home, I read about you on the internet. And I looked up your address. I don't know where else to go.
Adrian Monk: I'm on the internet?

Linda Riggs: [Monk offers tissues] Thank you. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: If you could wait until my assistant gets here. She's in charge of saying the right things.
Kevin Dorfman: Adrian, I'm putting the tablespoons in front and the serving spoons in back. Any objections?
Adrian Monk: Kevin, it doesn't matter.
Linda Riggs: My sister, Jeanette, died four weeks ago. There was a gas fireplace in-
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Actually, I do prefer the serving spoons in the front.
Kevin Dorfman: Really? In the front? Okay, you're the boss.

Natalie: Well, I just don't see how he could have done it. Have you looked at this? So when Jeanette died, Max was on the radio doing a live show. And the night before, he's in Los Angeles at a party. He hasn't been home in two days.
Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it. I had to. She was using up all my Kleenex.

Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
Adrian Monk: [notices "Go Away" welcome mat] Did you tell him I was coming?
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, That's not for you. That's a joke.
Adrian Monk: It's a joke? How- How is- How is that funny?
Natalie: Well, I guess it's funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
Adrian Monk: So it's an opposite joke.
Natalie: Yeah, that's right.
Neighbor: He's not home. I live right there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.
Natalie: That's a nice dog.
Neighbor: Well, thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat.
Neighbor: Come on. Let's go.
[Monk gestures to indicate the joke went over the neighbor's head]